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Abusive Behavior - Wayne
L. Misner
Advice to New Managers -
Thomas Schmitt and Arnold Perl
Becoming Whole
Men - Steven
Kessler
A
"Best-Wishing" Hour -
WordsCanHeal.org
An Interview
with Dan Millman -
Dan Millman
The B Word - Ron
Suresha
Building
a Sweat Lodge -
Tom Utterback
Can Gender Science be Trusted?
Can Meditation Transform the
World?
The Case for Positive Energy - Jon
Gordon
Combination Treatment for
Rheumatoid Arthritis - Dr. Isadore
Rosenfeld
Did Phil Hartman Die from
Congressionally-Sanctioned Discrimination? - Mark B.
Rosenthal
Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2008 --
California Leads the Way
Don't Bite The Hand
That Feeds You: Four Somethings to Keep Romance
Alive - Leon
Lewandowski
"Eight
steps to having the relationships you want - and to taking control of
every situation in your
life!" - Terry
Rich Hartley
Everybody Deserves Better -
Carl Schutt
Fathers Movement or Family Rights
Movement, you decide - Teri Stoddard
Female Sex Offenders, Less Common Than
Males But No Less A Reality - James M. Lowrance
Finding the Answers in Managing Your
Fears and Anxieties
Finding Your Buffalo -
Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche
Five Essential Strategies for Managing
Up - Nancy C. Widmann, Elaine J. Eisenman,
Amy Dorn Kopelan
Heaven, Hell, and Happiness
Hiring the Right Skill Set And Motivating
the Millennials
In
Fathering, First Things First
- Bob Kamm
Get
the Most from Your Health Care
Team - FamilyCare
America
Getting
a Family Member to Ask for
Help - FamilyCare
America
Good
Résumé versus Great
Résumé -
Colleen A. Sabatino
The Go Pointer’s Guide to
Unforced Errors - Michael
Useem
Guidelines
for Relating to Your Wife During
Divorce - Sam
Margulies
The Hazards of Leading Us
Hot
Flashes for Men? - Robert
Tan
I've sent my buck in. I hope you
do too - Molly Ivins
I Will Vote - Anna
Lappé and Sara Littlecrow Russell
Just as Good Isn't Good Enough
Lessons
for Zentrepreneurs -
Ron Rubin and Stuart Avery Gold
Let's Talk about STDs - Dr Rob
Losing Perspective: The #1 Mistake Senior
Executives Make - Nancy C. Widmann, Elaine J.
Eisenman, Amy Dorn Kopelan
Love It or
Lose - Passions and the Quest for
Meaning - Jerry
Porras, Stewart Emery and Mark
Thompson
Making Resolutions That
Stick - M. J. Ryan
Male
Paths to Healing: Fixing a Hole: Grieving With Other
Men - Thomas
Golden
Man Blamed for the 'Metrosexual'
says 'Sorry' - and outs himself as 'lesbosexual' -
Mark Simpson
A Meditation on Love - J. Ruth
Gendler
Multitasking virus in our
Classrooms
Negativity and Health -
Redford Williams and Virginia
Williams
19 Things that it
Took Me 50 Years to Learn -
Dave Barry
The Numbers Tell the
Story
The
Peeing Tree - The First Masculine
Ritual - Kenneth
F. Byers
Pillar
Strength - Mark
Verstegen and Pete Williams
Positive Ways to Deal with
Negativity
Prom Tips for Dads of
Daughters
Prostate Cancer
Awareness Month: Why the debate? Prostate cancer screening saves
lives - Carl
Frankel
Put Yourself and Your Team On the
Road to Real Results - Harry Paul and Ross
Reck
Quality time with your
kids
Raising a Real Man in a Metro-Sexual
World: It's you against the
world
The
Real Story Behind the Ray Lewis
Story - Jon
Entine
Relationships: Your Emotional
Signature - Dzogchen Ponlop
Rinpoche
The
Secret Epidemic - The Sexual Abuse of
Boys - Karl
Tipple
7 Natural Ways to Combat Testosterone
Loss
The Seven
Words of Well-Being for Men
- Daniel G. Amen
The Sexualization of
Girls - Claire McCarthy
Sexy, successful…and
single?
6 Steps to Manage Cancer
Pain - Toni Bernay
Sleep
Sex - Michael
Mangan
Sports
Culture, Part One: Boys on the
Playground -
Robert N. Minor
Still
About "Manhood"
10 Investing Habits of Rich
People
Ten Moves Guaranteed to Alienate HR -
Nancy C. Widmann, Elaine J. Eisenman, Amy Dorn
Kopelan
10 Tips for Keeping the Weight
Off - Dr. Stephen Gullo
3 Mini Meditations to Help You Through Your Day
(or Night) - Ed and Deb
Shapiro
The Three Most Critical Points in
a Diet Plan - Dr. Stephen Gullo
3 Ways to Get You Through the
Holidays
Tie Up Loose Ends or Find Yourself in
Knots - Jason Ryan Dorsey
Tips for Nourishing
a Sex-Starved Marriage -
Michele Weiner Davis
Today’s
Double Standard -
Colleen A. Sabatino
Undoing the Damage of
Male-Bashing, One Daughter at a Time - Kathleen
Parker
Vision
Quest - Tom
Utterback
Wake
Up or Break Up: 8 crucial steps to strengthening your
relationship - Felder,
Leonad
Warning
Signs and Major Risk Factors of Teenage
Suicide - Maureen
Empfield and Nicholas Bakalar
What Men Need to Know about Women
and Menopause - Cathy Taylor
What’s the Best, Cheapest Retirement
Investment for Baby Boomers? Exercise! - Ellen
Freudenheim
What's Tradition For?
What
to do with Your Anger -
Wayne L. Misner
What you Really Need to Know Before Tying the
Knot - Michele Weiner-Davis
Why
I Got Married -
Charles H. Trapolin
Why make a New Year’s
resolution when you can make a One Decision? -Judith
Wright
Why Men Earn More: The Startling Truth
Behind the Pay Gap - Warren
Farrell
Why should you train your brain?
Why Stronger Is
Better
Why the
debate? Prostate cancer screening saves
lives - Carl
Frankel
Why Water Is The Key To Detoxifing Your
Body - Alex Jamieson
Widowers
Peak: As Males Live Longer, More Are, Unexpectedly, All
Alone - Cindy
Rodriguez
3 Ways to Get You Through the Holidays
You do have what it takes within you to do everything and still be peaceful, but you may need a reminder to just stop and breathe. So here are three moments to regenerate yourself and remember why you are doing all this in the first place. All it takes is a moment to look within and reconnect with your loving heart. You can get it together even when you think it is all falling apart!
Mini-meditations can be done on a train, walking down the street, at an airport, standing at a bus stop, in an elevator, while chopping vegetables, or while sitting in the bathroom -- often the only place you can guarantee you will be left alone! Silently count your out-breath up to ten times, or walk with awareness of each step for up to ten steps. Or relax each part of your body, then silently repeat "soft belly" for five breaths.
If you are at work, then use your lunch hour to find a quiet spot, perhaps in a park, or even in the office if everyone else has gone out. If you are traveling then use that time to consciously breathe, letting your awareness follow your breath from the nose tip to your belly and back out again. If you are driving or operating machinery and feel you are getting tense, then stop for a moment, focus on any part of the body that is feeling tight and breathe into it, until you relax and let go. Silently repeat "soft shoulders" or "soft neck" and so on.
As you walk down the street or ride an elevator practice a mini-loving kindness by silently wishing everyone be well, wishing that everyone be happy. In the office you can spend a few moments repeating the names of everyone you work with and wishing them happiness. On your way home from work reflect on your day and generate loving thoughts to all those you met. When you send out loving thoughts it relaxes the space around you and dissipates any chaotic or disturbing energies. What you put out comes back to you tenfold.
1. Mini Breath Meditation
Sit comfortably with your back straight. Take a deep breath and let it go. Begin to silently count at the end of each out breath: Inhale . . . exhale . . . count one, inhale . . . exhale . . . two, inhale . . . exhale . . . three. Then start at one again. Just three breaths and back to one. Simply following each breath in and silently counting. So simple. Do this as many times as you want, eyes open or closed, breathing normally.
2. Mini Walking Meditation
You can do this walking along a country lane, a city street, in the office or the garden. You can walk slowly, normal or fast, whatever feels right. As you walk become aware of your walking, of the movement of your body and the rise and fall of your feet. Become aware of your breath and see if you can bring both your breathing and your walking together. Just walk and breathe with awareness for a few minutes.
3. Instant Letting Go
Find a quiet place to sit, have a straight back, and take a deep breath and let it go. Then quietly repeat to yourself: "My body is at ease and relaxed . . . my heartbeat is normal . . . my mind is calm and peaceful . . . my heart is open and loving." Keep repeating this until you have let go of the tension and are at peace. Then take a deep breath and have a smile on your face!
Enjoy the holidays!
©2009 Ed and Deb Shapiro
Ed and Deb Shapiro, authors of Be
the Change: How meditation can transform you and the
world, are the award-winning authors of
fifteen books on meditation, personal development, and social action.
They are featured bloggers for the HuffingtonPost.com and for
Care2.com, teach meditation workshops worldwide, work as corporate
coaches and consultants, and are the creators and writers of the
daily Chill Our inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones.
The Shapiros' books include Your Body Speaks Your Mind, winner of the
2007 Visionary Book Award;Voices From the Heart with contributors
such as President Gorbachev, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and Bishop
Tutu; and Meditation: The Four-Step Course to Calmness and Clarity.
Ed, from New York, trained in India with Paramahamsa Satyananda, with
Sri Swami Satchidananda, and with Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Deb,
from London, trained with Tai Situ Rinpoche. The Shapiros have taught
meditation and personal development for more than twenty-five years.
They currently reside in Boulder, Colorado. For more information
please visit www.EdandDebShapiro.com
Can Gender Science be Trusted?
We are glad to see that Dr. Eliot recognizes and is concerned about the differences she sees in academic performance between boys and girls. While we agree that nurture generally adds to the differences we see between boys and girls, we believe that current science is very clear in identifying brain-based (nature-based) differences between males and females. There are hundreds of credible studies, including more going on all the time, that are identifying these differences (to learn more about some of these, click www.michaelgurian.com, then click Research). As Kathy Stevens, executive director of the Gurian Institute recently noted, "While some of the biological differences between boys and girls may be subtle, the combination of nature-based differences and nurture can cause difficulties for both boys and girls if we ignore them."
Every year or two a book or article comes out that sets out to discredit brain differences and common sense, even though, once the whole book is read, the author does end up agreeing that there are brain differences between boys and girls, and women and men. It seems that most of the world already senses that boys and girls are inherently different (albeit on a vast spectrum, not stereotypes), but some people still fear this human experience, or aren't sure what to make of it.
Unfortunately, these books/articles select evidence and don’t take into account brain scans and other hard science; and they extrapolate the effect of socialization on formation of gender in the brain. For instance, PBBB provides a study of children who are encouraged to climb a hill a certain way and extrapolates that because there were differences in how parents talked to boys/girls, this could somehow account for the profound differences that show on PET and SPECT scans between girls and boys' brains.
These books/articles also generally study small samples (less than two hundred people); they don't recognize the work of scientists like Camilla Benbow, who has studied over a million children and found marked hard-wiring differences, or Daniel Amen, who has conducted over 50,000 SPECT (brain) scans. These books/articles also try to finesse the fact that our genomes are set up differently. In reality, as genome mapping is showing us, "maleness" and "femaleness" come from 1) X/Y chromosomes and 2) in utero estrogen/testosterone surges in the fetus. These are step one and two of our gender formation. Step 3 is nurture/socialization.
Ultimately, the Gurian Institute team believes that differentiating by gender can help improve academic performance, decrease disciplinary referrals and positively affect children’s attitudes about school and learning. Kelley King, GI’s Associate Director and an educator for more than twenty-five years, recently made this powerful comment: "I’ve been an educator long enough to know what goes on in classrooms and what teachers experience. And it all comes back to this – who is succeeding, who is failing and do we need to do something about it? Whether or not we argue over one brain science study, the work in schools still needs to be done and it hurts kids if we don't do it.” Kelley is referring to work over the last fifteen years, in schools, families, and corporations that have put gender science to work, and thus helped boys and girls close achievement gaps, families stay together, communities fight against gang violence, workplaces promote female talent to higher levels in corporate hierarchies. For more on this work, click www.gurianinstitute.com then click Success.
Brain science and common sense need to continue to trump nature/nurture debates if we are to grapple with the big problems we have in our schools, communities and workplaces. We thank Dr. Elliot and others writing books and articles like hers for keeping a strong light shining on what we need to do to help our children—both boys and girls—succeed in school and life. And we’re always open to discourse about our work and thoughts on this topic.
© 2009, The Gurian Institute
Can Meditation Transform the World?
It is only in the last few decades that the general population has begun to realize how valuable the practice of meditation really is, regardless of spiritual or religious interests. Yet meditation has been the main focus of spiritual practice for thousands of years. You do not have to be a hippie or on a spiritual quest to meditate: we have taught everyone from housewives to athletes and musicians, and therapists to CEOs, in town halls, high school gymnasiums, corporate boardrooms, and on our own TV series in London.
However, if meditation is so available and as well known as it seems to be, why is it not already an integral part of everyone's lives? If health reports are saying how good it is as a way to cope with stress, why do we ignore it or find excuses not to do it? And why do we think of something as a waste of time when all the research tells us it is of such immense value?
Mahatma Gandhi famously said, "You must be the change you want to see in the world." In other words, change has to start within ourselves; we cannot expect the world to change if we do not. If we want to have more love in our lives, we must become more loving; if we genuinely want to end terrorism and to bring real and peaceful change to the world, then we must start by ending the war within ourselves.
This brings us to the importance of contemplation and meditation. Without such a practice of self-reflection, we are subject to our ego's every whim, and we have no way of putting a brake on its demands. Meditation, on the other hand, gives us the space to see ourselves clearly and objectively, a place from which we can witness our own behavior and reduce the ego's influence. We get to know the madness of our monkey mind and until it loses its hold. Only then do we have a genuine opportunity to change.
Through the practice of meditation we find that the more positive aspects of ourselves are enhanced while the more self-centered aspects begin to naturally fade away. As the need to be constantly engaged in the details of our own story loses its relevance, so the ego releases its grip and becomes less demanding. This does not mean that we become just like a doormat and let people walk all over us. Rather, we become more confident, are able to communicate more openly and honestly, and to love more unconditionally.
In this way meditation enables us to change. From being self-centered, we become other-centered, concerned about the welfare of all equally, rather than being focused on just ourselves. We become more acutely aware of how we affect the planet, how we treat each other and our world, and seek to become a positive presence rather than a passive or negative one. As we find our own peace, we want to actively help others to also be at peace. When we find our peace there is one less person suffering!
We were in India in 1986 when we first met the Dalai Lama, the spiritual and political leader of Tibet, and probably the world's most famous meditator. We were waiting for our meeting in a room that led off a balcony at his residence, beyond which rose the Himalayas resplendent in the morning sunshine. Ed wandered outside to enjoy the view. He saw a monk further along the balcony waving for us to come. We presumed this monk would bring us to our meeting. But as we came closer, we realized that this simple and unpretentious man was the Dalai Lama himself. We immediately began to prostrate, as this is the respected way of greeting such a revered teacher. But the Dalai Lama took our hands and made us stand, saying, "No, no. We are all equal here." It was easy to think, "Oh sure! You are the great Dalai Lama, spiritual leader to millions, and we are just mere mortals. How can we possibly be equal?" But over the following months, we both experienced the true equality he was referring to -- the equality of our shared humanness and, simultaneously, our shared heart.
A Compassionate Revolution
A revolution is a re-evolution, where we take a higher step in the evolution of consciousness; it is also a revolving, a turning around of ourselves in response to an inner calling. To be the change and make a real difference in the world means we need a revolution -- a compassionate revolution. This is the turning of our energy from being focused on self-centeredness, self-survival, and closed-heartedness to concern for others, generosity, and open-heartedness. If we genuinely want to end war, inequality, and abuse, then we have to practice ahimsa and kindness toward all equally, for there will never be peace in the world if we are not at peace within ourselves.
To activate a compassionate revolution is to enter into an exploration of all aspects of our humanness so that we can live sanely in a world that often looks insane, riddled with affliction and conflict. So much hurt and denial, abuse and disrespect, so many atrocities have taken place in the name of religion and politics, or through greed and selfishness, so many misunderstandings between families, races, and countries.
As the Tibetan teacher Mingyur Rinpoche says, "Who makes problems? We humans. And who is the controller of the human? The mind. And how to control the human mind? Through meditation. If you can control the pilot, then the pilot can control the plane."
Meditation can do this because it brings us to a place of clear and caring responsiveness. It is that rare activity that can ease suffering while also giving us the awareness and spiritual intelligence to move beyond the self-centeredness and self-destruction that cause suffering. It removes the obstacles in our mind that prevent us from seeing things as they really are, freeing us to become kinder and more compassionate. In other words, it awakens our full human potential. And, as we are transformed, so the world will also transform.
©2009 Ed and Deb Shapiro
Ed and Deb Shapiro, authors of Be
the Change: How meditation can transform you and the
world, are the award-winning authors of
fifteen books on meditation, personal development, and social action.
They are featured bloggers for the HuffingtonPost.com and for
Care2.com, teach meditation workshops worldwide, work as corporate
coaches and consultants, and are the creators and writers of the
daily Chill Our inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones.
The Shapiros' books include Your Body Speaks Your Mind, winner of the
2007 Visionary Book Award;Voices From the Heart with contributors
such as President Gorbachev, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and Bishop
Tutu; and Meditation: The Four-Step Course to Calmness and Clarity.
Ed, from New York, trained in India with Paramahamsa Satyananda, with
Sri Swami Satchidananda, and with Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Deb,
from London, trained with Tai Situ Rinpoche. The Shapiros have taught
meditation and personal development for more than twenty-five years.
They currently reside in Boulder, Colorado. For more information
please visit www.EdandDebShapiro.com
7 Natural Ways to Combat Testosterone Loss
1. Physical exercise increases testosterone levels. Multiple studies have shown that regular, high-intensity exercise keeps a man’s testosterone at optimal levels.1
2. Protein combats Sex hormone-binding globulin (SHBG) and helps maintain optimal testosterone levels. While adequate protein consumption is vital to maintaining muscle mass in both men and women, it is also important in maintaining testosterone levels.2
3. Soy and fish oil keep estrogen and SHBG in check. Elderly men often see an increase in unhealthy levels of SHBG and estrogen via activity of the aromatase enzyme, which can lead to a net decrease in testosterone levels. Two recent Japanese studies have shown some natural ways in which men can help tilt the ratio back in favor of testosterone. One study of 97 middle-aged to elderly men found that men with high levels of soy intake had lower levels of estradiol (a form of estrogen) compared to men with lower levels of soy intake. The researchers postulated that this beneficial inverse relationship could be due to inhibition of the aromatase enzyme by soy and soy-based food products. Another Japanese study examined how the essential fatty acids EPA and DHA (found in high concentrations in fish) affected SHBG levels in men 43 to 88 years of age. After controlling for other variables, the researchers concluded that both EPA and DHA decreased levels of SHBG in middle-aged and elderly men. 3, 4
4. Indole-3-carbinol protects against high estrogen levels, prostate cancer. An adequate intake of indole-3-carbinol (I3C), through vegetables such as broccoli, brussels sprouts, and cabbage, or via supplements, may prove to be very helpful for aging men in both keeping estrogen levels in check and decreasing their risk of prostate cancer. 5
5. Zinc is essential for optimal testosterone production. One supplement that should be considered absolutely essential for maintaining a man’s testosterone levels is zinc. This busy mineral is involved in almost every aspect of male reproduction, including testosterone metabolism, sperm formation, and sperm motility. Multiple studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of zinc in treating male infertility due to low testosterone levels. 6, 7, 8
6. Chrysin is a natural aromatase inhibitor A bioflavonoid called chrysin has shown potential as a natural aromatase inhibitor. Bodybuilders have used chrysin as a testosterone-boosting supplement because by inhibiting the aromatase enzyme, less testosterone is converted into estrogen. The problem with chrysin is that because of its poor absorption into the bloodstream, it has not produced the testosterone-enhancing effects users expect. Pilot studies have found that when chrysin is combined with piperine, reductions in serum estrogen (estradiol) and increases in total and free testosterone result in 30 days. 9
7. Nettle root liberates “bound” testosterone Testosterone that becomes bound to serum globulin is not available to cell receptor sites and fails to induce a libido effect. When testosterone binds to sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG), it loses its biological activity and becomes bound testosterone, as opposed to the desirable free testosterone. Some studies show that the decline in sexual interest with advancing age is not always due to the amount of testosterone produced, but rather to the increased binding of testosterone to globulin by SHBG. European researchers have identified constituents of nettle root that bind to SHBG in place of testosterone, thus reducing SHBG’s binding of free testosterone. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14
While the relationship between youthful levels of testosterone and a healthy cardiovascular system cannot be denied, research has slowly started to uncover many of the hidden benefits of testosterone, such as its effect on bone growth and stability, depression, obesity and libido.
Sources:
1. Izquierdo M, Hakkinen K, Ibanez J, et al. Effects of strength training on muscle power and serum hormones in middle-aged and older men. J App Physiol. 2001 Apr;90(4): 1497-507.
2. Longcope C, Feldman HA, Mc Kinlay JB, Araujo AB. Diet and sex hormone-binding globulin. J Clin Endocrinol Metab. 2000 Jan; 85(1):293-6.
3. Nagata C, Inaba S, Kawakami N, Kakizoe T, Shimizu H. Inverse association of soy prod- uct intake with seroum androgen and estro- gen concentrations in Japanese men. Nutr Cancer. 2000;36(1):14-8.
4. Nagata C, Takatsuka N, Kawakami N, Shimizu H. Relationships between types of fat consumed and serum estrogen and androgen concentrations in Japanese men. Nutr Cancer. 2000;38(2):163-67.
5. Muti P, Westerlind K, Wu T, et al. Urinary estrogen metabolites and prostate cancer: a case-control study in the United States. Cancer Causes Control. 2002 Dec;13(10): 947-55.
6. Tikkiwal M, Ajmera RL, Mathur NK. Effect of zinc administration on seminal zinc and fertility of oligospermic males. Indian J Physiol Pharmcol. 1987 Jan-Mar;31(1):30-4.
7. Takihara H, Cosentino MJ, Cockett AT. Zinc sulfate therapy for infertile males with or without varicocelectomy. Urology. 1987 Jun; 29(6):638-41.
8. Netter A, Hartoma R, Nahoul K. Effect of zinc administration on plasma testosterone, dihydrotestosterone and sperm count. Arch Androl. 1981 Aug;7(1):69-73.
9. Campbell DR, Kurzer MS. Flavonoid inhibi- tion of aromatase enzyme activity in human preadipocytes. J.Steroid Biochem Mol Biol. 1993 Sep;46(3):381-8.
10. Hryb DJ, Khan MS, Romas NA, Rosner W. The effect of extracts of the roots of the stinging nettle (Urtica dioica) on the interac- tion of SHBG with its receptor on human prostatic membranes. Planta Med. 1995 Feb; 61(1):31-2.
11. Hirano T, Homma M, Oka K. Effects of stinging nettle root extracts and their steroidal components on the Na+,K(+)- ATPase of the benign prostatic hyperplasia. Planta Med. 1994 Feb;60(1):30-3.
12. Vahlensieck W Jr, Fabricius PG, Hell U. Drug therapy of benign prostatic hyperpla- sia. Fortschr Med. 1996 Nov 10;114(31):407- 11.
13. Gansser D, Spiteller G. Plant constituents interfering with human sex hormone-binding globulin. Evaluation of a test method and its application to Urtica dioica root extracts. Z Naturforsch. C 1995 Jan-Feb; 50(1-2):98- 104.
14. Sokeland J. Combined sabal and urtica extract compared with finasteride in men with benign prostatic hyperplasia: analysis of prostate volume and therapeutic outcome. BJU Int. 2000 Sep;86(4):439-42.
© 2009, Bill Faloon
Bill Faloon has written for
Life Extension’s publications (currently Life Extension
magazine, published monthly), since the early 1980s. His articles
cover a wide range of topics under the headings of disease
prevention, nutrition, longevity, and health freedom. Bill Faloon
helped initiate the Life Extension Foundation after realizing the
critical need for funding in the field of gerontology research. He
has appeared on such television programs as The Phil Donahue Show,
The Joan Rivers Show, Tony Brown’s Journal, and ABC News Day
One. www.LEF.org
Why should you train your brain?
In my neuroscience lab, I developed the exercises in this book in order to activate the largest regions of the brain. These brain health exercises increase the delivery of oxygen, blood, and various amino acids to the prefrontal cortex. The result is more neurons and neural connections, which are characteristics of a healthy brain.
Who is this book for?
Adults with the following symptoms:
Adults who wish to work on the following:
How can you keep your brain healthy?
In order to maintain your physical health, you have to (1) exercise regularly, (2) eat healthily and (3) sleep well. In like manner, in order to keep your brain healthy, you need to (1) exercise your brain regularly, (2) eat healthily and (3) sleep well. As an adult, you are responsible for your own diet and sleep on a daily basis. This book is exclusively designed to help you get used to also training your brain everyday.
Simple calculations really work!
While browsing through this workbook, you may have noticed it consists only of simple calculations. Some of you may be wondering why an adult, who is intellectually active at work and at home, would need to do such elementary school-level math. Through my research I found that simple calculations activate the brain more effectively than any other activity. I also discovered that the best way to activate the largest regions of the brain was to solve these calculations quickly. That is why I have created the easy-to-solve problems you see in this workbook to help you Train Your Brain!
Calculation and oral reading exercises are the optimal training methods according to the latest brain research
My latest research proved that reading aloud, solving simple calculations, and writing activate the brain most effectively.
Brain training boosted the ability to remember by twenty percent
My research team carried out research with elementary school students. We counted how many words they could memorize within two minutes and found that, on average, they could memorize 8.3 words (the equivalent figure for adults is 12.2). When we conducted the same test after a two minute calculation exercise, the average word count remember increased to 9.8 and after two minutes of reading out loud the average increased to 10.1. Our results show that these exercises boosted the children's ability to remember by more than twenty percent.
The calculation and reading aloud exercises acted as a warm-up for the students, allowing them to perform better on the word memorization tests.
Simple calculation and oral reading exercises alleviated symptoms of dementia
My team also conducted an experiment with twelve dementia Alzheimer type patients. We gave our patients a ten minutes-a-day writing and oral reading exercise and a ten-minutes-a-day calculation exercise to be performed two to five days a week. Cognitive and prefrontal cortex function of non-participant subjects that did not do the calculation and oral reading exercises deteriorated during the six-month follow up. However, with participant subjects that did do the exercises, we succeeded in preventing deterioration of their cognitive function, as well as improving their prefrontal cortex function.
This is an exceptional achievement on a global scale -- rarely has the deterioration of the cognitive function of dementia Alzheimer type patients been slowed or diminished.
© 2009 Dr. Ryuta Kawashima author of Train Your Brain More: 60 Days to a Better Brain: Better Brainpower, Better Memory, Better Creativity
Dr. Ryuta Kawashima, author of
Train Your Brain More: 60 Days to a Better Brain: Better Brainpower,
Better Memory, Better Creativity, is Professor of Neuroscience and
head of the Functional Brain Imaging Center at Tohuku University. His
successful research, especially with Alzheimer's patients, is
revolutionizing health care around the world. His first book, Train
Your Brain sold 1.2 million copies in Japan and he is the hero of
Nintendo's hugely successful game BRAIN AGE.
As adults, we do not know if there is a heaven or a hell after death. There are heaven and hell here on earth, and one person's heaven can be another person's hell. A secure job with the government would be our father's heaven, but Robert's hell. Being an entrepreneur is Robert's heaven. For our dad, having to become an entrepreneur at the age of fifty was his hell.
Marriage can be either a heaven or a hell. Even though we may deeply love someone, life together can be a living hell.
Money can be the reason for heaven or hell on earth. Many financial advisors recommend, "Live below your means." They say this because many people are barely surviving -- in a living hell -- using borrowed money to live a lifestyle they cannot afford. For others, heaven is having more than enough money to afford their lifestyle.
Since one's heaven can be another person's hell, the question is, what creates a person's heaven or hell? While there are many possible answers, one answer is happiness . . . or the lack of it.
Robert: Selfish and Unselfish Goals
As with so many things in life, for every action there is a reaction. If a person is unhappy, he may do something to make him happy, for example, like drink alcohol. Feeling low, he may go to a bar, drink a lot, and feel happy. The next day, he pays for his happiness with a hangover. Do this on a regular basis and that unhappy person becomes an alcoholic, still in search of happiness.
Others take chemical drugs to escape their pain and unhappiness. According to the Washington Post, today in America, more than one in every one hundred people are in jail, as many as 20 percent, for drug-related issues.
Being in jail is not my idea of heaven. Some people go shopping to relieve the pain. Money is their drug. The more money they have, the more they shop. Rather than finding heaven, they find hell, living under a mountain of credit card debt.
My drug of choice is food. When I am unhappy, I eat. While I'm eating, I feel happy. The problem is, the more I eat, the fatter I become. The fatter I become, the more unhappy I get, so I eat more, become fatter, and become even more unhappy. In my attempt to reach heaven through food, I wind up in hell. Many people seek to solve their unhappiness through religion. Many have so many problems they feel they cannot solve them, and they seek salvation by hoping God will save them from their hell here on earth.
So what is happiness?
I am sure this question will be asked through the ages. And I doubt there is one answer for all people. Like heaven and hell, one person's happiness can be another person's unhappiness, which is why I'm not attempting to tell you what to do to find your happiness. I have enough trouble finding and hanging onto my own true happiness.
One important lesson I learned from Dr. Fuller was the idea of having "unselfish goals." In other words, goals that follow the generalized principle of "the more people I serve, the more effective I become." This idea fit my mother and father's values of being of service to their community. In December of 1984, when Kim and I took our leap of faith, we took the leap with unselfish goals in mind. As I have already said, it was the worst year of our lives.
It was not a happy time.
Today, Kim and I have found happiness by having selfish as well as unselfish goals. Our happiness comes from being of service, feeling that our work makes a difference in people's lives, and that we are contributing to solving some of our world's current problems. We also have selfish goals, goals such as making enough money to create a standard of living that suits us. We would not be happy being poor, working at a job we did not love, working with people we did not like, living below our means in a dangerous neighborhood, not being able to afford health care or the finer things of life.
Work is an important aspect of happiness and unhappiness. Even though our work is often challenging and filled with problems, ultimately our work makes us happy. We realize that, for millions of people, their work makes them unhappy. For millions, work is just about money.
I have a classmate from high school who is very unhappy. Right out of college, she met a rich man, married him, and moved to his large home in Aspen, Colorado. Her husband inherited his wealth and has never really had to work. They have great kids and grandkids. Her days are filled tending to her show horses and doing charity work. Her husband spends his time at his club, putting on events to keep the members happy.
When I asked her why she was unhappy, her answer was simple: "Life seems empty."
When I asked her if her grandkids filled her void she said, "No. I love my kids and grandkids, but I am through with motherhood." When I asked about her charity work, she said frankly, "I do charity work to belong to the right social circles. Charity work is my access to the right charity balls and to be seen with the right people. I know the charities are important, but I am not passionate about the causes."
When I asked her what her soul wanted her to do, she snapped at me and said, "I'm doing enough. I'm good to my kids. I'm a good parent. I'm a good wife. I donate time and money to my charities. What else do you want me to do?"
Our conversation was over. It wasn't the time to get into the differences between selfish and unselfish goals.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned from my mom and dad was the answer to my question, "What is happiness?" The happiest days in their lives were the days they both worked for President Kennedy's Peace Corps. Dad took a break from the education department, and he and Mom spent their days, nights, and weekends working side by side at the Peace Corps training center in Hilo, preparing young people to be of service to the world. As a young man preparing to go to war, I saw the happiness that working together at spiritual work brought my mom and dad. I never forgot that happiness.
When Kim and I took our leap of faith in December of 1984, we were in search of the same happiness. The day we were married, in 1986, we didn't have much money and could not afford a band. Instead we handed out the words to "The Wedding Song" (also known as "There Is Love") by Noel Paul Stookey of Peter, Paul, and Mary. We asked everyone to link arms and sing along with the music. The song conveyed to everyone in the circle the spiritual reason for our marriage, which spread from heart to heart. The following are a few words from this very beautiful song:
Well, a man shall leave his mother
and a woman leave her home
and they shall travel on to where
The two shall be as one.
As it was in the beginning
is now and till the end
woman draws her life from man
and gives it back again.
and there is love, and there is love.
Well then what's to be the reason
for becoming man and wife?
Is it love that brings you here
or love that brings you life?
And if loving is the answer,
then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something
that you've never seen before?
Oh there is love, there is love.
Kim has been the greatest blessing in my life. We have been together virtually 24/7 since December of 1984. We have been apart only a few days in all those years. Our work nurtures our souls. Our work gives us life. Our work is our life.
Like most couples, we do have our rough spots. It is not always peaches and cream. It's not always wedded bliss or the fairy tale of living happily ever after. Through our work we share our love and our reason for being married. While we receive many blessings from our work, we believe the gift of true happiness is the greatest gift, a blessing that brings magic to life.
There are many people who believe the rich are greedy, and many of them are.Yet, I have met many greedy poor and middle-class people. They are simply greedy people with less money. The rich do not have an exclusive domain over greed.
When we were married, Kim and I co-created selfish and unselfish goals. We set four financial goals, and those goals became the four stepping-stones to guide us through the stream of life:
All four goals required hard work, miles of travel, a lot of study, and often a good bit of disappointment. From the generalized principle of precession, which is the ripple effect, came the gift of true happiness in our lives.
Today, we have more money than we could ever spend. We have more than we need. This is why today we are focusing more and more on giving the money back, just as Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are doing. Giving money back can be a full-time job. Just as making and investing money creates unique challenges, giving money back comes with its own set of challenges. There is an art and science to charitable giving. Again, rather than give the money to the needy and the poor, which would deplete the money supply, we are diligent in finding responsible, well-managed organizations that will protect our wealth and will use the money wisely for years, long after we are gone.
Kim and I believe in working to create heaven on earth -- while we are here and after we have left this earth. We find happiness working together in our life's work, just as working together for the Peace Corps brought true happiness for my mom and dad. Finding happiness by doing our spirit's work is the best gift Mom and Dad have given their children.
This is not to say that our work is uniquely significant, special, or that important. Any work that adds value and is of service to life is important and special. For example, the person who drives a school bus has a very important and special task. I am glad there are people who want to do this job, and I would hope they love what they do.
I especially like comedians, because laughter is vital to a world that so often takes itself too seriously. The gift of laughter is a very important gift.
So what is your gift? When I am asked about how to find one's gift, I simply reply, "If you had all the money in the world, what would you do for the rest of your life? What would make your heart sing?" I also say, "One of the reasons a person does not give or use their gift is because they have been trained to go to school and get a job to earn money. So the question is, What would you do if you did not have to worry about money?"
In 1994, Kim and I had the luxury of retiring. She was thirty-seven and I was forty-seven. I thought retirement would be heaven. Instead it turned out to be hell. All I did was play golf, and if you've seen my golf game you would know why, for me, golf is the game from hell. In 1996 Kim and I developed our CASHFLOW® board
game, I wrote Rich Dad Poor Dad, and we got back to work. Our objectives remain the same. We believe that too many people are slaves to money, and one way to financial freedom is via financial education. Our wish is to have you become financially free so you can give more of your God-given gifts and do the work you were born to do.
One of the greatest joys of our work is to have people like you read our work, even if you do not agree with everything we write. I know the world is filled with people with great ideas, great stories to tell, and great gifts to give.
The above is an excerpt from the book Rich Brother Rich Sister: Two Different Paths to God, Money and Happiness, by Author (Published by Vanguard Press; 978-159315-493-6). The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.
©2009, Robert Kiyosaki and Barbara Emi Kiyosaki
Robert Kiyosaki, co-author of Rich
Brother, Rich Sister: Two different paths to god, money and
happiness is a fourth-generation Japanese American, born and
raised in Hawaii. After graduating from the U.S. Merchant Marine
Academy in New York, Robert joined the Marine Corps and served in
Vietnam as an officer and helicopter gunship pilot. Following the
war, Robert went to work in sales for the Xerox Corporation and, in
1977, started a company that brought the first nylon and Velcro
“surfer” wallets to market. He founded an international
education company in 1985 that taught business and investing to tens
of thousands of students throughout the world. In 1994 Robert sold
his business and, through his investments, was able to retire at the
age of 47. During his short-lived retirement, he wrote the
international best-selling book Rich Dad Poor Dad, and in 2006
coauthored with Donald Trump Why We Want You To Be Rich. An
entrepreneur, teacher, and investor, Robert also writes a monthly
column, "Why the Rich Are Getting Richer," for Yahoo! Finance, and a
monthly column, "Rich Returns," for Entrepreneur magazine.
Barbara Emi Kiyosaki, co-author of Rich
Brother Rich Sister: Two Different Paths to God, Money and Happiness,
grew up in Hawaii with Robert and the Kiyosaki family. While Robert
took the path of war during the Vietnam era, Emi took the path of
peace, exploring alternative and spiritual journeys. Emi began her
studies at the University of Hawaii and then traveled to Colorado,
Alaska, and India to deepen her studies and practice of Buddhism. Emi
was ordained by His Holiness the Dalai Lama in 1985 and today is
known by her ordination name, Bhikshuni Tenzin Kacho. For six years,
Tenzin was the Buddhist chaplain at the United States Air Force
Academy. She has a Master of Arts degree in Indo-Tibetan Buddhism and
Tibetan Language from Naropa University. She is the assistant
spiritual director and teacher at Thubten Dhargye Ling Buddhist
Center in Long Beach, California, and is a visiting teacher at
Thubten Shedrup Ling in Colorado Springs. She occasionally resides at
Geden Choling Nunnery in northern India. Tenzin also works as a
hospice chaplain in Los Angeles, California.
Here are some more telling numbers and facts:
• Americans are seven times more likely to undergo coronary angioplasty and bypass surgery than in Canada and Sweden, but the number of people who die from cardiovascular disease in these countries is nearly identical to this country.
• Bypass surgery and angioplasty have never been shown to prolong life or prevent heart attacks in the majority of patients.
• Lifestyle changes and medical treatment has been proven over and over again in numerous studies to significantly decrease heart attacks and prolong life.
The sad truth is that most heart disease patients are sold a bill of goods by a cardiology industry that has too much of a self-interest in making sure that as many people as possible are treated with expensive surgical procedures, instead of a far less expensive program of lifestyle changes and, if needed, cardiac medication.
It concerns me that countless patients are subjected every day to unnecessary surgery. But what makes it worse is that these procedures can be harmful. Although cardiologists hasten to assure their patients that these procedures are time-tested and safe, all invasive surgery carries risk. In fact, the mortality rate from bypass surgery ranges from 3%-5%. This percentage may sound insignificant, but not when you consider that a half-million people undergo these procedures each years. In addition, an estimated 25%-30% of angioplasties fail and need to be redone; eventually, many of these angioplasty patients will require bypass surgery.
Bypass surgery carries significant risks. Up to 80% of patients may experience cognitive difficulties after surgery, which is especially devastating to many elderly people who already may be experiencing memory problems. People who undergo bypass surgery are nearly four times more likely to suffer a subsequent stroke and are also vulnerable to infection. Angioplasty is also not risk-free; complications include heart attack, stroke, the need for emergency bypass surgery and infections.
How Did The Emphasis on Surgery Come About?
Ironically, the problem that too much heart surgery is being done came about as a consequence of the fact that, in the 1960s and 1970s, there was great progress made in the surgical treatment of coronary heart disease and other life-threatening cardiac ailments.
This brings me to a very important point. Not all heart surgery is a hoax. Not at all! Over the past 30 years, tremendous strides have been made in the surgical treatment of many once-fatal heart problems. Today, heart surgeons perform heroic work, saving babies with once-fatal congenital heart defects. Cardiac surgeons can repair an aorta that ruptures, replace diseased heart valves, and save patients in the throes of massive heart attacks that would previously have killed them. These are just a few examples of the wonderful advancements in cardiac surgery, which has brought with it unparalleled life-saving achievements.
My concern isn't with heart surgery when appropriate, but with the countless procedures performed that are inappropriate. These procedures subject patients to needless risk when they would have been far better off having their condition treated with aggressive lifestyle changes and medical therapy. Yet countless patients daily undergo heart surgery despite the lack of evidence that they will live longer or have fewer heart attacks.
This is the story of how heart surgery developed, mushroomed and became entrenched, despite any evidence that it was effective for the vast majority of patients.
Back in the 1950s, when President Dwight D. Eisenhower had his heart attack, little could be done for people with heart disease and cardiologists could often watch only in frustration as their patients were killed by heart attacks. It was known that heart attacks were caused by blockages in the coronary arteries and also that surgeons were able to successfully use long, thin, artificial pipes to successfully bypass blockages in the legs. So, in the late 1960s, an operation was developed that involved transplanting a vein from one part of the body -- in this case, the leg, and using it to create a route around the blocked coronary artery, allowing blood to flow through it to the heart muscle. This operation became known as coronary artery bypass surgery. The procedure took off and the rate of it quickly soared. In recent years, the number of bypass operations declined, due to the mushrooming popularity of angioplasty, but, still, nearly a half-million of these procedures are performed annually in the U.S.
Around the same time as bypass surgery was taking off, a young German cardiologist named Andreas Gruentzig came up with a way to widen blocked coronary arteries without resorting to bypass surgery, which is major surgery. His procedure, known as angioplasty, involved insert a balloon-tipped catheter, or tube, into the coronary artery. When the balloon was inflated, it flattened the plaque, (the material forming the blockage) against the walls of the artery, widening it, so the blood could flow through it. I was a young cardiologist in training then, and I'll never forget the excitement that rippled through the cardiology community when Dr. Gruentzig first displayed X-ray images, showing before-and-after pictures of blocked, and then unblocked, coronary arteries. The "after" photos looked wonderful. I, like many of my colleagues, was amazed! After I finished my cardiology fellowship, I came to Baptist Hospital in Miami and performed one of the first balloon angioplasties there. I was still high on the procedure, but, before long, I became bothered when I saw patients, who had supposedly undergone successful procedures, coming back again and again. This was happening in hospitals all over the country. It soon became obvious to me that angioplasty was not the cure-all for which I had hoped.
Around that time, as I was growing disenchanted with coronary bypass surgery and angioplasty, I learned about the Seven Countries Study, a landmark 20-year study by Dr. Ancel Keys which found that a diet low in saturated fat and processed food, which was to become known as the Mediterranean-style diet, was associated with a low incidence of heart disease. Then, as the years passed, and more studies demonstrated the flaws of heart surgery, and others showed the benefits of lifestyle treatment, like the Mediterranean- diet and lifestyle, I became convinced that prevention was a superior approach for the majority of patients with coronary artery disease. But, for most of the rest of the cardiology industry, the rush to perform as much bypass operations and angioplasty procedures continued unabated. And it still does.
©2009 Michael Ozner, MD
10 Investing Habits of Rich People
1. Tax-free: Contributing and trading within a tax-qualified brokerage account means that you could be earning up to 30% additional in returns (which you don't give to the IRS for capital gains taxes). Compound that year in and year out and it could be worth millions.
2. Play it Safe: Always keep a percent equal to your age safe, i.e. out of the stock market. Certificates of Deposits, savings accounts, money markets, and bonds are less risky than stocks. (Bond funds should be counted as stocks, not bonds.)
3. Stocks on Steroids: Take a small percentage of your stock portfolio for trading. (Don't trade the whole nest egg.) Subscribe to a great stock newsletter, which is tracked by an independent agency, to achieve superior returns.
4. Great Partners: Interview your financial partner (broker) as if your life depends upon it. Your lifestyle does!
5. Tithe: The first check you write each month should be to your financial freedom fund. 10% for investing, so that your money can make gains while you sleep! With this habit alone, you could be a millionaire in 31 years, even if you only made $14/hour.
6. Don't be the Bank of Mom and Dad: You're not qualified to, nor would you want to, establish the underwriting guidelines for loaning out money to relatives. If someone needs money, consider any gift you give to be a gift or charity. If someone wants you to go into business with him or her, consider whether or not you want to provide that widget or service to the world. In most cases, you'll be better off considering your help to be charity or an investment, and not a loan.
7. Avoid Fair-Weather Friends: Whether it is a new broker, a new person you met by email or just new interest from someone who never cared much about you, if the new relationship is all about the money, make sure you are doing business with a monk! Do your due diligence and don't be seduced by promises of guaranteed riches, guaranteed love or a fabulous lifestyle.
8. Switch-Hit: Do as much of your day trading as possible in a tax-qualified retirement plan, such as an IRA or even possibly a college fund or health savings account. That could help you are reduce the taxes you pay on capital gains.
9. Getty/Guggenheim Your Fab Self: Find out every tax-qualified account that exists and stock up your holdings in as many protected accounts as possible, including IRAs, 401 (k)s, health savings accounts, college funds and foundations!
10. Live the Rich Life: Wealth is not just money. Wealth is enjoying a happy, fulfilling rich life with people you care about, and investing in products and services that make the world a better place. Health is wealth, so get happy & exercise! Breathing is health, so invest in green!
©2009 Natalie Pace
3 Mini Meditations to Help You Through Your Day (or Night)
Life should be an exciting and outrageous adventure. Isn't it a wonder how a spider weaves a web or a bee makes a hive? Did you ever notice the small, everyday miracles, like the fact that you can breathe in and out? But how many of us get to experience this miracle? Sometimes life just feels too awful. We want to feel good, we want to be happy, in fact happiness is our birthright. But so often there are just too many difficulties to deal with. And although we may know that meditation chills us out, if we are feeling stressed or irritable then it just doesn't seem so appealing.
So here are three mini-meditations, moments to just stop and breathe and remember why you are here. A moment to check yourself out, to look within, and to find what is really meaningful to you. You can get it together even when you think it is all falling apart.
Mini-meditations can be done on a train, walking down the street, at an airport, standing at a bus stop, in an elevator, while sitting in the bathroom (often the only place you can be alone!). Silently count your out-breath up to ten times, or walk with awareness of each step for up to ten steps. Or relax each part of your body, then silently repeat "soft belly" for five breaths.
If you are at work, then use your lunch hour to find a quiet spot, perhaps in a park, or even in the office if everyone else has gone out. If you are traveling then use that time to consciously breathe, letting your awareness follow your breath from your nose tip to your belly and back out again. If you are driving or operating machinery and feel you are getting tense, then stop for a moment, breathe into your belly and silently repeat "soft belly, soft belly." Focus on any part of the body that is feeling tight and breathe into it, until you relax and let go. Silently repeat "soft shoulders" or "soft neck" and so on.
As you walk down the street or ride in an elevator, practice a mini-loving kindness by silently wishing everyone be well, wishing that everyone be happy. In the office you can spend a few moments repeating the names of everyone you work with and wishing them happiness. On your way home from work reflect on your day and generate loving thoughts to all those you met. When you send out relaxing and loving thoughts it relaxes the space around you and often any chaotic or disturbing energies will dissipate. What you put out comes back to you ten fold
1. Mini Breath Meditation
Sit comfortably with your back straight. Take a deep breath and let it go. Begin to silently count at the end of each out breath: Inhale . . . exhale . . . count one, inhale . . . exhale . . . two, inhale . . . exhale . . . three. Then start at one again. Just three breaths and back to one. Simply following each breath in and silently counting. So simple. Do this as many times as you want, eyes open or closed, breathing normally.
2. Mini Walking Meditation
You can do this walking along a country lane, a city street, in the office or the garden. You can walk slowly, normal or fast, whatever feels right. As you walk become aware of your walking, of the movement of your body and the rise and fall of your feet. Become aware of your breath and see if you can bring both your breathing and your walking together. Just walk and breathe with awareness for a few minutes.
3. Instant Letting Go
Find a quiet place to sit, have a straight back, and take a deep breath and let it go. Then quietly repeat to yourself: "My body is at ease and relaxed . . . my heartbeat is normal . . . my mind is calm and peaceful . . . my heart is open and loving." Keep repeating this until you have let go of the tension and are at peace. Then take a deep breath and have a smile on your face!
©2009 Ed and Deb Shapiro
Combination Treatment for Rheumatoid
Arthritis
Osteoarthritis is the result of long-standing wear and tear on the joints that develops usually as we grow older. It involves a loss of cartilage and a change in bone constitution. Rheumatoid arthritis is totally different and results from inflammation of the joints that have been attacked because of a faulty immune system. It affects more than 2.1 million Americans, of whom 1.5 million are women. It's progressive, chronic, and often crippling. It usually starts in middle age but may occur in children and young adults. Unlike osteoarthritis, which is confined to the joints, rheumatoid arthritis usually also involves internal organs such as the heart and lungs.
There are several ways to treat rheumatoid arthritis, but the first goal is to reduce symptoms -- joint pain, stiffness, and swelling. This can be done with drugs such as aspirin, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatories (NSAIDs), and corticosteroids. Exercise, heat, cold, and physiotherapy also play an important role. In addition, a category of medications, referred to as disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs (DMARDS) can affect the underlying disease process in addition to reducing pain. For the past 20 years, the DMARD of choice has been methotrexate (Rheumatrex), originally developed for the treatment of various cancers. Unfortunately, it is effective in only one in three patients with rheumatoid arthritis.
More recently, a new class of drugs -- the prototype of which is Enbrel (etanercept) -- has become available. It targets and neutralizes an inflammation-causing protein called tumor necrosis factor. Patients who don't respond to methotrexate are given Enbrel, but heretofore the drugs were not usually taken together.
Another form of therapy, called Prosorba, filters the blood of patients with rheumatoid arthritis and removes the inflammatory antibodies from the circulation. Older agents such as gold therapy, antimalarial medications, a variety of biologic agents, azathioprine (Azasan), and cyclosporine (Sandimmune) may also help. When joints have been badly damaged and are painful, and the patient is crippled and immobilized, surgery may be necessary.
Here's What's New
According to a report published in the Lancet, treating rheumatoid arthritis with a combination of methotrexate and Enbrel is more than twice as effective as either drug alone. Here are the data: After using both drugs for 1 year, 35 percent of 682 rheumatoid arthritis patients went into remission as compared with 13 percent of those on methotrexate alone and 16 percent taking only Enbrel. The other point to note is that all these patients had been suffering from the disease for years. It may be that starting this combination therapy sooner could slow down the rate of joint destruction and have an even greater effect.
The Bottom Line
There is no cure for rheumatoid arthritis. However, there are several different ways to reduce the joint pain, swelling, and deformity. Combining methotrexate and Enbrel, both of which affect the disease mechanism in addition to improving its symptoms, is more effective than either one alone. And the earlier this is done, the better.
© 2006 Dr. Isadore Rosenfeld, M.D.
Dr. Isadore Rosenfeld is the
best-selling author of nine books, including Live Now, Age Later and
Dr. Rosenfeld's Guide to Alternative Medicine. He is a distinguished
member of the faculty at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Medical
College of Cornell University and attending physician at New
York-Presbyterian Hospital and Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer
Center. Dr. Rosenfeld can be seen every Sunday morning on his popular
show Sunday Housecall on Fox News Channel. He is the health editor
and a regular columnist for Parade magazine. This article was
reprinted from: Dr. Isadore Rosenfeld's 2005 Breakthrough Health, by
Isadore Rosenfeld, M.D.
We want to have the hub perfectly aligned so we can draw energy from it and effectively transfer energy throughout the body. It's impossible to move the limbs efficiently and forcefully if they're not attached to something solid and stable.
There's a reason why parents are forever telling kids to sit up straight. Without pillar strength, without what, I call "perfect posture," you will significantly increase the potential for injury in a chain that starts with your lower back, descends all the way to the knees and ankles, and rises up to your neck, shoulders, and elbows.
The reason we train body movements instead of parts is because everything about the body's engineering is connected. What happens to the big toe affects the knees, the hips, and ultimately the shoulders. The muscular system is both complex and simple, a series of muscular and fascial bands that work seamlessly to produce efficient movement. Many workout programs do more damage than good by producing muscle imbalances and inefficient movement patterns that sabotage this highly coordinated operating system that we're born with.
Remember the way that movement evolves in infants. They move on their backs until one day this action allows them to roll over, initiating the hip crossover movement. Soon they progress to crawling, standing, and, finally, walking. With each step, they realize how to stabilize their bodies.
Aging reverses that process. Many people lose the ability to squat and maintain their balance, creating poor posture. Eventually, they lose the ability to stand, surrendering the core fundamental movement patterns they developed as toddlers. But instead of conceding that devolution as an unavoidable part of aging, why not look at getting older as a process of taking these movements to new levels? In this program, you're going to take your body to the highest levels of performance and movement capabilities by challenging yourself to increase flexibility and stability. We'll help you do this by adding resistance or increasing the balance demands. This will put you farther and farther away from the regression of aging.
Look, I'm not here to bash bodybuilding and tell you not to lift weights. This program includes resistance training because of its undeniable benefits. The Movement Prep and Prehab routines you'll learn are not a cutesy program to ram the concept of functional exercise down your throat. It's more about reprogramming the body to function properly -- as nature intended -- and to continually become stronger. It's possible to become physically stronger every day of our lives.
Instead of looking at movement as coming out of the arms and legs, remember this perfect posture. If you can master the following three elements of pillar strength -- shoulder stability, core stability, and hip stability -- both while working out and in everyday movement, you will go a long way toward a healthier life.
Shoulder Stability
Anyone who participates in a sport involving hitting or throwing understands the importance of the rotator cuff. It's even more important in everyday life.
We tend to think of the hands and arms as carrying the workload for the upper body, but it's really the shoulder, or at least it should be. After all, we think of someone shouldering a burden.
The shoulder "girdle" consists of the humerus, scapula, and clavicle. It's engineered for a remarkable range of three-dimensional movement. From the shoulder, it's possible to rotate, press, and pull. We can raise our arms to the side or across the body. We can rotate shoulders by holding the elbows in and by moving the hands up and in -- or in a 90-degree angle to the torso.
Our natural instinct is to drop the shoulders forward, especially after long periods of sitting. But you want to do the opposite, bringing the shoulders back and down, which will give you proper posture.
Remember The Karate Kid? Mr. Miyagi, the wise martial arts instructor, made his young student Daniel LaRusso paint his fence and wax his cars. For days this went on and Daniel wondered if he was ever going to learn karate. When he confronted Miyagi, the old man asked him to demonstrate the various motions of painting and waxing and then attacked Daniel from all angles. Using the same motions, Daniel easily defended himself and quickly realized that he had not just been painting and waxing but stabilizing and strengthening his shoulder muscles and mastering these vital, functional movements.
If you're involved in martial arts, this program will help by stabilizing your shoulders -- and I won't make you wax cars and paint houses. Even if you have no desire to become the next Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris, you must strengthen this area to perform everyday activities from cleaning to passing objects to filing to, yes, waxing and painting.
Most of us don't realize how hunched over we are from sitting at computers and traveling in cars and airplanes. People tend to think that this affects only the elderly, but that's not the case. The next time you're people-watching at a mail or airport, pay attention to the position of their thumbs. If they're rotated in, pointing toward the body, that means their heads and shoulders have moved forward.
Unless those people do something, I guarantee that they will soon have rotator cuff and back problems, which will limit their ability to participate in the daily activities of life.
As people age, they tend to flex forward, as if the chest is caving in. We want to do the opposite, almost as if there's a fishhook inserted under the sternum, pulling us up. This will allow the shoulders to fall into place and help give perfect posture.
We're not trying to be military cadets, standing at attention. Instead, think of this as standing or sitting tall in a comfortable position, always elevating the sternum.
The exercises in this program will require you to bring the shoulders back and down, but you'll want to make it a daily habit. To make lasting change, we want to lengthen the chest and strengthen the muscles of the upper back. Think of pulling your shoulders toward your back pockets. This posture is the exact opposite of the shoulder shrug, the same motion that you make when you say, "I don't know." That's what a sitting lifestyle does to you. If you create a habit of bringing your shoulders down, you'll be amazed at the results. People will find you more confident and think you've lost weight because you're no longer slouched over. They might even think you've grown. There have been instances of adults following this program and gaining up to an inch of height from standing tall and bringing their shoulders back, as well as improving hip and core stability.
Core Stability
The middle third of our pillar is the "core," which consists of the muscles of the abdominals, torso, and lower back. It's the vital link between shoulder and hip stability, and it includes such muscle groups as the rectus abdominis, transversus abdominis, internal and external obliques, lats, the erector spinae, and many small stabilizer muscles between the vertebrae of the spine.
These are the tiny muscles that often get shut off because of a back injury and never become reactivated, causing long-term back problems. These small stabilizer muscles cannot function alone; they must be helped by training the muscles of the core to become strong and stable with the right types of recruitment patterns that will enable them to work in tandem with the shoulders and hips.
Core training is not just about the abs -- abs are less than a third of the equation. Countless books and magazine articles promise great abs, and though many of them have terrific exercises that we believe in, they're of little use unless done in conjunction with exercises aimed at integrating your shoulders and hips.
Instead of just focusing on the abs, we want to create the framework for all movement. The aim isn't just a well-sculpted midsection; it's a high-performance core.
In order to maximize the benefit of the exercises in this book, it's important to keep your tummy tight, not just while exercising but all day. Think of your tummy flat against the hip bones. Keep your tummy tight, as if pulling your belly button off the belt buckle. This isn't the same as sucking in your gut and holding your breath. Keep the abdominals in, but still breathe.
The abdominal and lower-back muscles work as a team. The point guard is the transverse abdominis, which is the first muscle that's recruited each time you move. If you can keep that "TA" activated and your tummy tight, you'll be well on your way to optimum movement and preventing long-term deterioration.
Reprinted from: Core Performance Essentials: The Revolutionary Nutrition and Exercise Plan Adapted for Everyday Use by Mark Verstegen and Pete Williams © 2005 Rodale Inc. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com.
Mark Verstegen is the founder and president of Athletes' Performance. He has trained hundreds of elite athletes, both abroad and at the company's facilities in Tempe, Arizona, and Carson, California. A world-renowned performance coach, consultant, and motivational speaker, he lives in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Pete Williams is a veteran journalist who writes about fitness, business, and sports. He is a contributing writer to Street & Smith's SportsBusiness Journal and is the author or coauthor of six books, including the Rodale books Core Performance and Fun is Good. He lives in Safety Harbor, Florida.
For more information, please visit www.coreperformance.com.
© 2006, Mark Verstegen and Pete Williams
Depression. The negative impact of depression also increases the risk of developing coronary heart disease, and people who are depressed after having a heart attack are more likely to die within the following 6 months. Several studies have shown that patients with any disease -- diabetes is one example -- who are depressed end up needing more medical care, accounting for a disproportionate amount of medical costs.
Lack of adequate social support. People who have little support -- whether it's help with chores at home or someone to listen sympathetically -- are also more at risk. Social support acts as a buffer that enables people to cope better with whatever stresses they face, whether they're imposed by personality or life situations. Support is a function of both the person and the environment. Those of us who have a cynical mistrust of others are less likely to reach out for support, and some of us find ourselves in situations that simply don't include people who can be sources of support.
Stressful environments. Jobs that impose high demands for output of services or products but allow workers little control over how those demands are met have been termed high-strain jobs. Psychologists Robert Karasek, PhD, of the University of Massachusetts, and Tores Theorell, MD, PhD, of the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden, have documented that people working in high-strain jobs are more likely to develop high blood pressure, infections, and job-related injuries, as well as heart disease.
Risky behaviors. People who are hostile, depressed, isolated, or in stressful life situations are more likely to overeat, smoke, and abuse alcohol.
Studies show that these different risk factors often cluster in the same individual. For example, in a study of working women, Redford and his colleagues found that those who reported high job strain were also more depressed, hostile, and socially isolated. As in people with high levels of hostility, these other psychosocial risk factors are associated with changes in biological functions, such as increases in adrenaline and cortisol, blood pressure and heart rate surges, higher cholesterol levels, and alterations in the immune system and blood-clotting mechanisms. All of these changes are felt to lead to disease.
Redford's research has continued to build upon the observation that these risk factors, along with the accompanying biological markers of stress and health-damaging behaviors, tend to cluster among certain groups. The people most likely to be affected are those stressed by lower income, education, and/or occupational levels. This clustering may be the result of reduced brain levels of the chemical serotonin, a neurotransmitter that nerves use to relay messages to one another. When serotonin levels are low, we are more likely to be angry, depressed, and anxious; to be less interested in relating to other people; to have greater fight-or-flight responses when stressed; and to smoke, drink, and eat more than is good for us. If true, this theory could point to the brain's serotonin system as a key neurobiological mechanism that regulates our ability to be in control. Two studies have found weaker brain serotonin function in persons with lower income and education levels.
In his most recent research, Redford has begun to study how genes that are involved in regulation of serotonin affect all of these health-damaging psychosocial, biological, and behavioral characteristics. This work is still in an early stage, but we have some likely hypotheses for where it will go. The serotonin "transporter" is a molecule that sits on the surface of serotonin nerve end. It's responsible for the reuptake of serotonin -- squelching the effects of the neurotransmitter after it's been released from the nerve endings. The gene responsible for making this transporter comes in various forms. Certain of these forms seem to make a person more likely to experience negative emotions, such as anger and depression, and to have greater adrenaline, blood pressure, and heart rate surges when angered.
Redford's ongoing work aims to identify the interactions between key genes and the environment and to help account for the clustering of health-damaging characteristics in the same individuals and groups. No doubt, we'll also learn more about how genes affect our ability to be in control in stressful situations.
© 2006 Redford Williams, MD, and Virginia Williams, PhD
Redford Williams, MD, is director of the Behavioral Medicine Research Center, professor of psychology, professor of psychiatry, and professor of medicine at the Duke University Medical Center. He has served as president of the American Psychosomatic Society, Society of Behavioral Medicine, and Academy of Behavioral Medicine Research, and he is president-elect of the International Society of Behavioral Medicine.
Virginia Williams, PhD, is the president of
William Lifeskills, Inc., in Durham, North Carolina, and has
organized and led workshops teaching the In Control process to
thousands of individuals, corporations, and government agencies
around the world. The Williamses also coauthored Anger Kills,
a bestseller, and Lifeskills. They live outside of Durham,
North Carolina. For more informaiton, visit: www.williamslifeskills.com
or E-Mail
Why make a New Year’s resolution
when you can make a One Decision?
Research shows that the average New Year’s Resolution fails within three weeks. That means that 21 days after the ball drops, the champagne is gone, and the streamers have all been swept away, your grand resolution to lose weight/pay off your debt/quit smoking is going to turn into a big disappointment.
Why do we fail at our New Year’s Resolutions year after year? Sure, there are a lucky (and determined) few who manage to stick to their goals, but most of us find ourselves wondering what went wrong. Many people think they need to set smaller goals, but what I’m about to tell you may contradict everything you’ve heard before.
Your New Year’s Resolutions aren’t big enough. Your goals aren’t big enough.
What I’ve found in working with people for over 20 years is not that their goals need to be scaled back, but that they don’t want enough. They haven’t thought about why they want what they want, why they want to lose weight or quit smoking. They haven’t identified a bigger purpose and meaning within their goals, so they are running on sheer will power and are, at best, only successful in a few areas.
More than just setting goals.
It’s a revolutionary concept: if you identify what you really, truly want from your New Year’s Resolution, you’ll find that reaching smaller goals is very do-able, almost natural. Your resolution has to be more than just setting goals for the next year. It has to be a decision about what matters to you and what you really want from life. I call it the One Decision. A One Decision is a very personal choice about who you are and what you care about. The One Decision gives you a reason to go through what it takes to not only achieve your goals, but also to change your life.
If Lance can do it, so can you.
Lance Armstrong, seven-time Tour de France champion, didn’t just set a goal to win the Tour de France. He made a bigger commitment about living strong, and that is what gave him the courage and strength to keep winning. That’s a One Decision.
You may be thinking, “ But I don’t want to win the Tour de France! I just want to fit into my jeans!” The power of the One Decision is that once you make it, you will not only achieve the goals in front of you, but also you will expand your vision to encompass much bigger and more far-reaching goals.
Losing weight by loving yourself.
Carrie had tried every diet imaginable—no sugar, no fat, no salt, no wheat, no “white things;” the blood type and body type diets, high fiber diets, liquid diets, and special food diets. She’s been on cabbage broth diets, egg diets, celery diets, tuna diets, cottage cheese diets, and even grapefruit diets. In the past 40 years, Carrie has gained and lost enough pounds to equal her total body weight (and probably yours too!). Needless to say, simply resolving to lose weight never worked for her.
Then Carrie made her One Decision—she decided to “love herself beyond measure as a unique gift of God’s love.” From making that decision, she is beginning to treat her body very differently. When she gets hungry, Carrie asks herself, “What would you feed someone you really loved?” By default she started getting more exercise, deciding that she’s worth the extra attention it takes to really take care of herself. Carrie has accepted that she won’t be thin overnight—but by making this larger commitment she’s already lost over 20 pounds that won’t be coming back.
This New Year’s, you have the opportunity to not only achieve some goals, but also change your life for the better. Forever.
What will your One Decision be?
©2006, Judith Wright best selling
author of The One
Decision
What’s the Best, Cheapest Retirement
Investment for Baby Boomers? Exercise!
Physical fitness can be a cash-free retirement investment that pays off handsomely.
Cash-free you ask? While the promise of getting something-for-nothing may sound like a snake oil sales pitch—“Fabulous Investment with No Cash Down!!” -- in this case, it’s for real. Sure, lots of men and women spend big bucks on equipment and sports clothing, spas and fancy gyms and personal trainers. But aside from buying a decent pair of sneakers, you may not need to spend much cash to launch this part of your personal portfolio.
And that’s because what you’re investing is not really money—but your time and energy.
Think of exercise like your piggy bank (OK, a lithe, physically fit, aerobically conditioned piggy bank!). If you regularly invest a modest amount of time, you’ll likely find as the years go by that you’ve racked up savings in three areas:
First, you can save hard cash. You’ll save by not spending on doctors’ visits and medications.
Second, you will likely save yourself from emotional stress. Exercise is to mood and self esteem what yeast is to dough: a leavening agent. That is, it’s a well-known antidepressant. And, to the extent that staying fit keeps you healthy, you also save the aggravation and sheer inconvenience that often accompany sickness.
Third, exercise takes time—but on balance, it may actually save you time. Regular exercisers swear by this seeming contradiction, explaining that because exercise gives them more energy, helps them focus and puts things in perspective, they are more efficient.
Overall, experts say that regular moderate exercise helps rather than hurts most people as they move up in years. Of course, nobody can promise that good health will automatically follow if you exercise religiously. But engaging in regular exercise in general increases an individual’s chances of staying well. According to the National Institute on Aging, people 65 and over become sick or disabled more often from not exercising than from exercising.
There are different ways you can invest your time in physical activity. And, it’s smart to spread your time amongst them, the same way it’s smart to have a balanced portfolio of stocks, bonds and cash. Of the four basic kinds of exercise recommended by the federal government's health experts, it is healthy to include each type in your weekly routines: 1. endurance exercises like walking or jogging which improve the health of your heart, lungs, and circulatory system, 2. strength exercises which build your muscles and make you stronger, 3. balance exercises which help you prevent falls, and 4. flexibility exercises which help keep your body limber by stretching your muscles and the tissues that hold your body's structures in place. There are elegant and enjoyable ways to combine these. Indeed, you might be surprised to learn that the most ancient of all forms of exercise—dancing—actually combines all four of these elements. (See excerpt below). For more on specific routines, you can obtain the free Exercise Guide, which specific exercises of each type from the National Institute on Aging. Call (1-800-222-2225) or go to www.niapublications.org.
As with financial investments, people often aren’t sure how much time to put into physical activity. And (as with money) what the experts say might alarm you. Recent guidelines, issued as part of the nation’s wake-up call to fight the obesity epidemic in the US, suggest that Americans exercise 60 or even 90 minutes on most days. But that’s a goal, not a mandate. You can aspire to it. And this doesn’t have to be done all at once. It’s fine to split that time up—take a few 15-minute walks, or stretch along with your favorite TV exercise program, or climb the stairs rather than use an elevator. Meanwhile, the message for baby boomers is simply: Get moving!
Of course, all investments have risks. A risk of launching into a physical fitness program is undue enthusiasm. Often people overdo it, get injured, and land in weeks of physical therapy. So start slowly and sensibly. Consult your physician before you undertake a new, strenuous regimen of say, pumping iron or running long distances.
The most common risk is dropping out, that is, not sticking with your own program of physical activity. So, try some tricks to overcome your own resistance to this new healthy habit. Try exercising with a friend for moral support. Entertain yourself by listening to music with a good beat. You can make a game of it by charting your progress online and routinize yourself by marking your calendar for exercise sessions. Turn over a new leaf and integrate physical activity into your life: walk instead of drive to the store, post office, or to the local coffee shop for an afternoon break. Some people give themselves exercise "assignments" ahead of time. And it’s great to reward yourself when you achieve your goals—as long as the reward doesn’t involve an ice cream sundae!
Retirement, like life, is about more than money. When Looking Forward to your post-career years, you can’t go wrong investing in your self, too!
Think of physical activity as a first-class investment, and include it in your personal lifestyle portfolio. By spending little as the equivalent of one half-hour TV show’s worth of time—thirty minutes daily exercise—you may eventually save both time and money, feel better, look better and have more energy. Exercise is, after all, the cheapest retirement investment around.
© 2005 Ellen Freudenheim, author of author of Looking
Forward: An optimist's guide to retirement
Why Water Is The Key To Detoxifing Your
Body
Water also plays a crucial role in disease prevention. In a study conducted at the Centre for Human Nutrition at the University of Sheffield, England, researchers concluded that women who stay adequately hydrated reduce their risk of breast cancer by 79 percent. Another study, done at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, found that women who drink more than five glasses of water a day have a 45 percent reduced risk of colon cancer compared with women who drink two or fewer glasses of water a day.
Many doctors believe that proper hydration can help prevent chronic joint diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis, because water reduces inflammation and promotes cartilage health.
Adequate water consumption can also slow the signs of aging and improve conditions such as constipation, diabetes, hypoglycemia, obesity, arthritis, kidney stones, dry skin, wrinkles, cataracts, and glaucoma.
H20: The Toxic Avenger
Without enough water flowing through our systems to carry out wastes and toxins, we would literally drown in our own poisonous metabolic wastes. I don't mean to sound alarmist, but this is no exaggeration. Even slight dehydration can wear down our systems in ways that seriously compromise our overall quality of life.
Just as the liver is crucial to the digestive process, the kidneys are necessary for helping the body remove water and waste. The kidneys are a pair of small organs that are located near the spine at the small of the back. They take in about 20 percent of the body's blood each time the heart beats, cleans it of unwanted substances and then produce urine, the fluid by which these wastes are eliminated from the body. Normal-functioning kidneys also control the concentration levels of body fluids. If body fluids are too dilute, the kidneys expel excess water via urine. If body fluids are too concentrated, the kidneys excrete the excess solutes and hang on to the water. In short, the kidneys are all about balancing the fluids and electrolytes in our bodies so that our systems run smoothly.
If the kidneys don't get the water they need to perform these filtering functions, our health deteriorates rapidly.
Electrolyte is the scientific term for a type of salt made up of ions that are positively and negatively charged. These are the "sparks" that transfer electrical messages across cells, and this activity is what makes our bodies function. Our kidneys work to keep our electrolyte concentrations steady, since they must be replaced constantly. If they're not, dehydration can set in, which can lead to organ damage and seizures. How can we be sure that we're getting enough electrolytes? Do we need to buy specially formulated, sugar-enhanced sports drinks? Many sports physiologists actually recommend water -- that's right, plain water -- over the fancy sports drinks that are marketed to us. Experts have found that the difference in electrolyte content between water and sports drinks is important only to elite athletes who are competing professionally in endurance events. Since electrolytes are already plentiful in the American diet, moderate to regular exercisers don't have to worry about running out of these salty ions. Edible sea vegetables, the most nutrient-dense foods on the planet, are a great source of electrolytes as well as of minerals and trace elements.
According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, the kidneys and bladder regulate the fluids in our bodies and make up the Water Element. Our kidneys are fantastic waste removers; they get rid of the waste products from protein metabolism -- uric acid, urea, and lactic acid -- but they need lots of water to accomplish this.
Traditional Chinese Medicine reveres the kidneys because they distribute qi, or vital life energy, throughout the body. The kidneys are responsible for removing excess hormones, vitamins, minerals, and foreign toxins such as drugs, chemicals, and food additives.
How To Boost Your Water Intake
Here are the tips I share with my clients on how to get enough water in their diets.
© 2005, Alex Jamieson
Source: Alex Jamieson is a Holistic Health
Counselor and Gourmet Natural Foods Chef. She lives in Los Angeles
and New York with her fiancé, Morgan, and their cat, Sue.
The
Great American Detox Diet: 8 Weeks to Weight
Loss is her first book. Permission granted
by Rodale, Inc. www.healthychefalex.com
Did Phil Hartman Die from
Congressionally-Sanctioned Discrimination?
Sponsors of the Violence Against Women Act, would have you believe that Phil could have sought help from battered women's shelters funded under the Act.
During the 2000 VAWA reauthorization hearings, Senator Orrin Hatch stated that men "are eligible under current law to apply for services and benefits that are funded under the original Act."2
Senator Joseph Biden recently introduced the 2005 VAWA reauthorization bill. When challenged to make the bill gender inclusive, Biden responded, "Nothing in the act denies services, programs, funding or assistance to male victims of violence."3
If these services are so readily available to men abused by their wives, why didn't Phil seek help from one of the numerous battered women's shelters around Los Angeles? Could it be that being "eligible to apply for services" is quite a different thing from being able to receive services when you need them?
Despite the good senators’ reassurances, VAWA-funded organizations routinely discriminate against men seeking help. Ten VAWA-funded women's shelters in Los Angeles were recently sued for refusing a male victim help.4 Rather than offering to stop their blatant discrimination, they went to court to defend their right to continue the discrimination.
Considering the attitudes of many shelter staffers, this is not surprising. Although the U.S. Dept. of Justice reports that 36% of all people physically assaulted by their intimate partner are men (835,000 men annually),5 many battered women's advocates insist that only 5% of victims are male.
In a Boston Globe interview about battered men, a director of the Massachusetts Coalition Against Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence, dismissively quipped, "Sometimes it snows in Florida … but we don't make public policy around it."6
Columnist Cathy Young notes a case in her files that "speaks volumes about most advocates' view of female violence. Brenda C. was admitted to a shelter after being arrested for assaulting her husband (during a divorce) and ordered out of their home. A letter to her attorney from a shelter counselor gave a fairly accurate account of what happened: In an argument, 'Mrs. C. grabbed Mr. C. by his necktie (and) he pushed her away. Mrs. C. then punched his face and her nail cut his neck.'" The shelter's assessment? "'Physical abuse' of Brenda by her husband."7
Time and time again VAWA-funded women's organizations have demonstrated indifference or outright hostility toward male victims. Meanwhile, federal regulations are routinely cited to justify denying funding to organizations that want to help men.8 The Texas VAWA funding application form is typical. Item number one under "ineligible activities" is "Programs that focus on children and/or men".9
Richard Gelles, Dean of the University of Pennsylvania School of Social Work, was one of the first researchers to study family violence. He notes that although there are more than 1,800 shelters for women, there's nowhere for men to turn. Shelters for battered men are occasionally created, but usually fail due to lack of funding.10
Gelles also reports that men who retain their children in order to protect them from abusive mothers, often find themselves arrested for "child kidnapping."11 How many children are harmed by these gender-biased policies? How many children are victimized by a system that removes the father they feel safe with and gives total control to their abusive mother?
Having grown up in such a family myself, I find the prospect horrifying.
Many fathers stay in abusive marriages to protect their children. That's probably why Phil Hartman stayed. Wouldn't his children be better off if VAWA had funded an outreach program for abused men, and Phil had gotten out of the marriage alive and able to protect them?
Even as VAWA helps some people, its discriminatory effects cause immense harm to others. Do we really want to condemn children to lives of misery because their protective parent is the wrong gender?
The Senate Judiciary Committee will hold hearings on VAWA reauthorization on July 19th. Now is the time to tell committee members that despite Congress’ intentions, the law is actually applied in an unconstitutionally discriminatory fashion.
Unless the law is changed so programs focusing on men are no
longer "ineligible activities," more men will lose their lives thanks
to VAWA-funded shelter workers who hypocritically preach, "There's no
excuse for domestic violence."
1 "Hartman's friends, fans ask: 'What went wrong?', Autopsy shows comedian shot in head several times", CNN.com, www.cnn.com/SHOWBIZ/TV/9805/29/hartman.death.folo
2 U.S. Congressional Record, 10/11/2000, pp. 10191-92
3 "Biden pressed to make abuse bill gender neutral, Senator: Bill already applies to both sexes", Hockessin Community News, June 2, 2005, p. 8, www.communitypub.com/WKLYART/HCN_06.02.05.pdf
4 Eldon Ray Blumhorst v. Jewish Family Services Of Los Angeles, House of Ruth, Inc., Su Casa Family Crisis and Support Center, Domestic Violence Center of the Santa Clarita Valley, Rainbow Services, Ltd, Peace and Joy Care Center, Haven Hills, Inc., Southern California Alcohol and Drug Program, Inc., Young Women’s Christian Association of Glendale, California, and Haven House, Inc., California Court of Appeal, Second Appellate District, www.menshealthnetwork.org/library/Blumhorstbrief.pdf
5 Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings From the National Violence Against Women Survey, p. 7, National Institute of Justice, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, U.S. Department of Justice, www.ncjrs.org/pdffiles/172837.pdf
6 "A Search of Equality - Domestic Abuse Groups Dispute Status of Claims by Men", Boston Globe, October 28, 2002, p. B1, www.janedoe.org/about/about_news_10_28_02.htm
7 "No excuse for domestic violence. Period", Cathy Young, Detroit News, May 6, 1997, www.menweb.org/cyoungdn.htm
8 Rejection letter from Domestic Violence Coordinating Council of the State of Delaware to Forum for Equity and Fairness in Family Issues , October 9, 2002, www.menshealthnetwork.org/library/VAWArejectDel1002.pdf
9 Rejection letter from North Central Texas Council of Governments to Fathers for Equal Rights, December 16, 2002, www.menshealthnetwork.org/library/VAWArejectDallas1202.pdf
10 "The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence: Male Victims", Richard J. Gelles, Ph.D., The Women's Quarterly, 1999, www.ncfmla.org/gelles.html
11 Ibid
©2005, Mark B. Rosenthal
Related Issues: See Violence Against Women Act, Billboard Directed to Senator Joe Biden in Washington, DC
Source: Mark Rosenthal is a firm believer in the
principle of equal treatment for all. He believes that the
self-evident truth stated in the Declaration of Independence that all
people are created equal shouldn't have an Orwellian coda saying "but
some are more equal than others." Mr. Rosenthal has a particular
interest in the issue of family violence. He advocates for a
principled approach to the problem, with the goal of providing
services to ALL victims and treatment to ALL perpetrators without
regard to gender. He has been a featured speaker at York College
(C.U.N.Y.)'s annual Domestic Violence Conference and has served on
the board of the Battered Men's Helpline. mbr@arlsoft.com
Fathers Movement or Family Rights
Movement, you decide
Fox said, "Children are often given into the custody of abusive fathers." According to my research, in approximately 70 percent of all California child custody cases mothers receive sole physical custody. Fathers receive it approximately 10 percent of the time. (Nationwide mothers receive sole physical custody 84 percent of the time.) If children are given into the custody of abusive fathers, they're given into the custody of abusive mothers as well. Mothers it turns out are most likely to harm a child. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration on Children, Youth and Families, approximately two-fifths (40.8 percent) of child victims were neglected or abused by "their mothers acting alone." Just 18.8 percent were maltreated by their fathers acting alone, (and 17 percent of children were abused or neglected by both their mothers and fathers).
Fox testified about the sexual abuse of children. By far most child custody cases do not involve the sexual abuse of children, but the words alone can strike fear. I don't blame her. She wanted to win, and she's good at it. It's what she does for a living. Fox's organization, by her own testimony that day, trains people in the family court system how to litigate and adjudicate child sexual abuse cases. I care about victims of abuse too. I want to make sure that no child is put in harm's way. AB 1307, like most shared parenting bills, had provisions to protect children who are victims of abuse. This was a non-issue. But again, the subject of child abuse was brought up.
It disturbs me greatly that Fox casually painted fathers as perpetrators of incest when in fact fathers are the least likely of all males to commit sexual abuse. According to the January 2005 Male Perpetrators of Child Maltreatment: Findings from NCANDS, fathers are, "less likely than other male perpetrators to be involved in sexual abuse." Keeping fathers in the lives of their children protects them.
This tactic, mentioning sexual abuse, is similar to our opponents bringing up abusive and "controlling men". These men are the minority. The same is true about men in the Men's Movement, (not to be confused with the Father and Family Rights Movement), who want to completely eliminate child support, and the ones who want to revert to patriarchy. Sure, they're out there, but they do not represent the people I work with, the people who are fighting for equality in child custody. We are the real Fathers and Family Rights Movement.
And I do call it fighting sometimes. It feels like that when I have to deal with the politics of it. At one time I had no idea that I would be pitted against people who are fighting equality. This is America. The whole idea astounds me. I find it frustrating that the opponents of joint physical custody use sensationalism to "win" when it is most beneficial to our children when we all just stay honest and above board.
When I first encountered the Fathers Movement it was by accident. My son was having a child outside of marriage and he asked me for help. His father had abandoned him as a baby shortly after he and I divorced. My son later told me that the most important thing in his life was to be a good dad. He wanted to be the best father he could be, in every possible way. When he learned in his 20's that he was going to be a father and that marriage wasn't a possibility, he asked me to find out how to insure he'd be a large part of his child's life. I had been successfully co-parenting with his sister's father, a man I'd never married, for 15 years so we both knew it was possible. I was happy to see him looking into parenting plans and caring for the baby's mother. Unfortunately, shortly after his daughter's birth an attorney was hired, my son was served a summons for family court, and the situation turned adversarial. I went online to see what I could learn, unknowingly stepping into the Fathers Movement.
Shortly after I became involved in the movement, I realized there was a battle going on between a handful of radical patriarchs, called "angry fathers' rights activists" by the radical feminists and a handful of radical feminists, called "feminazis" by the radical patriarchs, with both sides tossing around accusations, insults, and outdated and inaccurate statistics to try to prove their side was right. I decided to do my own research, to see what the truth really is. I'll admit I was put off by the hostility. I can almost understand why the Fathers' Movement has a bad reputation. I saw posts online like, "You might get lucky. The Ex might lose interest or get hit by a truck." Oh, wait, that quote isn't from a Fathers' Movement web site. That's from an anti-Fathers' Movement, anti-equal custody activist's web site. The same woman, who has never met my reformist friends, or me, yet sent a letter from her state to my legislators calling us "angry fathers' rights activists."
What I found as I dug deeper through the maze of "bad facts" was that both sides were describing the same thing. Both sides exposed the same broken court system. These quotes, "it really depends upon the Judge, which GAL, (Guardian ad Litem), or Evaluator is used and all the biases he or they might hold" and "it's not simply a matter of attorney v. attorney (or facts or laws or even evaluators, all of which are key players) as much as it is the strategy of knowing which cases to bring before which judges", came from the same anti-Fathers' Movement online forum. I've read similar statements many times in the Fathers' Movement forums.
I naively assumed that since my son had been a great father during the entire pregnancy, and since joint physical custody had been law in our state for over 20 years, that he would be treated as an equal to his child's mother. I was shocked by what happened as he went through the family court system. He was prevented from having equal physical custody of his daughter by what could only be called gender bias. Lies were accepted as truth, physical evidence was ignored, the "best interest of the child" and justice were not served. I will never forget his anguish or the trauma my granddaughter went through. I knew that I could not turn my back on this kind of blatant bias and injustice.
It's now been three years and I've learned that the injustice and heartbreak my son went through is happening to fathers, and some mothers, not only all over California, but also all over America, and even all over the world. I've learned that what used to be the Fathers' Movement has become more of a Family Rights Movement with the inclusion of noncustodial mothers, grandparents trying to get their grandchildren out of foster care, and families dealing with Child Protection Services, (CPS). And I've learned that gender bias isn't the only problem in the family courts.
I'm honored to be associated with advocates, activists and reformists in more than a dozen countries including the US, Canada, the UK, Germany, Scotland, South Africa, New Zealand, Australia and Italy. I've heard hundreds of personal accounts from parents. Everywhere, all around the world parents are saying the system is broken, that it doesn't serve the needs of today's families. Part of the problem is that the adversarial winner-take-all atmosphere of the current family court system is causing unnecessary conflict and hostility, financial devastation, and worst of all, the tragic separation of decent, fit, loving parents from their children.
Many fathers have told me that they want both equal physical and legal custody, but they only got joint legal custody. Instead of having significant quality time to truly parent their children, instead of getting the respect they deserve and access to programs that are now exclusively for custodial parents, noncustodial parents simply have 'the parental right to make major decisions regarding the child's health, education and welfare' and have 'visitation' with their children.
Jeffery Shipman, 44, a New York father to 21-month-old Deonna, can only see his daughter every other weekend and one weekday evening. He told me, "People often say to me now, 'It must be getting easier now, huh Jeff?' I always reply, 'It never gets easier' ...and you know, a part of me never wants this minuscule amount of time to ever become 'easier' for me. For if one day per week becomes 'easier' to cope with and I would be considered 'adjusted,' that would tell me I'm not doing my job as a father. It's totally unnatural as a dad not to see my own child for a week straight."
Approximately one-third of the participants in the Fathers' Movement, or Family Rights Movement as some call it, are women. Some are grandmothers like me, some are second wives or girlfriends. Others are professionals or concerned citizens, and some are noncustodial moms like Beverly Morris. Beverly, 39, lives in Florida with her husband and their child, and is a noncustodial parent to two children in Pennsylvania. She told me, "It's been over seven years and I still feel raped, angry, and severely robbed of my parental rights to raise (my) children." Beverly is now founder and President of The National Association of Non Custodial Moms, Inc., an online emotional support forum for noncustodial parents of both genders. She said, "It makes me feel like the court system doesn't care at all what is in the best interest of children; they only care that they continue to make money through hearing after hearing; a trap which I refuse to fall into, and I refuse to put my children through."
I've heard supporters of sole custody say that liberal visitation is adequate for maintaining a close parent-child relationship, yet they aren't considering the families who are forced to deal with move-aways and estrangement. According to Rebecca Mackey, a remarried 27-year-old noncustodial mother to one, "I lost a part of my heart that has never repaired itself. The phases I feel are similar to the ones that people go through after someone dies. The only difference is that you don't get to go on with life and remember them. You get to go on with life knowing that they miss you and need you and you are helpless to do anything about it. There is no closure, just a constant searing pain in your soul that some big part of yourself is missing."
The fathers I know in the movement are regular dads; average, responsible, fit, loving fathers, just everyday dads like you meet in your neighborhood. Yet, they are prevented from fully parenting their children. Unmarried fathers, fathers to one-third of all the babies born in our country, are almost universally denied physical custody of their children. They're told, "It's against policy" by mediators, attorneys and judges. Bill Sharp, 51, a never-married Illinois father to 14-year-old Tasha and 15-year-old Willy lost his joint physical custody after his former partner refused to cooperate with the courts. Instead of giving custody to the parent who was most willing to facilitate a relationship between the children and the other parent, the judge awarded sole custody to the mother. Bill told me he still remembers the judge in his case saying, "The father should not be upset because this is how it ends up in 90 per cent of the cases."
Bill's son Willy said, "I'm angry and confused. I went to court and told the judge I wanted week-week. I don't have bad parents. That's what's fair. It's the best thing I can think of. The judge said he'd give me week-week. But then it was taken away from me before it even started and no one told me why. They ought to give a reason if they're going to take away time with a parent. No one gave me a reason". He went on, "Mom gave me a reason – she said she was the better parent. Mom tells me that 50/50 is bad but doesn't tell me why. She was always trying to convince me that 50/50 was a bad idea." Willy then said the same thing I was thinking, "I don't understand why the one who is compromising is punished."
Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of Father and Child Reunion told me, "Fighting to be the primary parent is not a mothering instinct - or a fathering instinct - it is an instinct of territoriality. Any mother with a mothering instinct senses that children need both their mom and their dad because children are both their mom and their dad. When they are missing either, they are missing that half of themselves. The children who need most the stability of both halves of themselves are the children of divorce, especially those children whose parents are the most in conflict."
Bill added, "Ask any kid what they want in a custody solution and they'll tell you they want both their mom and their dad; and they'll tell you that they want them equally. Why? Well, primarily because it's really what they want. But most kids have had fairness drilled into them as part of their parent's, and school's, and church's, and their role models' instruction as to the proper way to go through life."
Jamil Jabr, who has been divorced for 2 years and has one child, has been involved in organizing Fathers-4-Justice in the United States. He has been working to build the group as a recognized non-profit, charitable organization. His intention is to support the gender-neutral civil rights movement in America that is fighting for equality in child custody. Jamil, who lives in Minnesota told me, "Replacing the presumption of sole physical custody with joint physical custody will remove the need to have a winner and a loser. It won't take much to change the presumption so that everyone can be a winner, particularly children, families and society, once the voice of the people stands up to the entrenched special interests and profiteers which, fortunately, are in the minority but, unfortunately, extremely powerful and loathe to change."
One falsehood that is repeated about joint custody is that it is forced 50/50. This is not true. Most parents, including people in the movement, realize it isn't realistic to split timeshare exactly down the middle. The age of the child, relationship with parents prior to the custody hearing, the work schedule of each parent, these are all things that need to be taken into account by both parents. When you hear "equal custody" it means the parents are equal, not necessarily the time. From the moment they sit down at the negotiating table to the day the judge makes his order, they should be equals, and in today's family court system they are not.
Adryenn Ashley, a motion picture producer with 21st Century Pictures Group is one of the women in the movement. She lives in California with her husband and their 2-year-old son. Adryenn experienced the injustice of the family court system firsthand while helping her husband with his case from a previous marriage. Since then she has been filming a documentary about the family courts and how they impact families in the United States. The Family Alliance Council, a not-for-profit company that promotes positive images of families and responsible role models, funds the documentary. Adryenn observed, "We can make the future better for our children, but we have to put aside our own personal prejudices and work toward the real best interests of the children. And I think we can all agree, that a profit machine that sucks billions of dollars out of the pockets of taxpayers, thus reducing the amount available to fund the future generations, is not in anyone's best interest."
According to Ronald Rohner and Robert Veneziano, authors of "The Importance of Father Love: History and Contemporary Evidence," (Review of General Psychology 5.4, 2001), "Having a loving and nurturing father was as important for a child's happiness, well-being, and social and academic success as having a loving and nurturing mother." I'm happy to report that today my son and his daughter's mother co-parent successfully. They communicate often and in positive terms about their daughter, they both remain flexible with drop-off and pick-up times and days, and my granddaughter shows the benefit of knowing that both of her parents love her always, and that neither are ever far away, or away for long.
Wendy Sheppard, 34, a licensed social worker and life coach who has shared custody of her 8-year-old son told me, "We have a week on/week off custody arrangement in which we both see our son every day no matter where he sleeps. My clients and friends often remark at how 'lucky' I am to have such a mutual arrangement with my ex. I don't consider myself 'lucky'. I'm doing what's best for my son because it's about HIM, not ME. It's not luck - it's about putting my personal feelings aside and doing what's best for my son."
When asked, the general public has shown overwhelming support for shared parenting and equal custody. As reported by Fathers & Families, (www.fathersandfamilies.org), in November 2004, 37 districts in Massachusetts had a non-binding ballot question asking if voters supported shared parenting. With over 600,000 votes cast, 86 percent of the voting public said "Yes." In Michigan recently the Detroit News carried out an on-line survey asking the following question, "For divorcing parents, should Michigan courts make equally shared custodial responsibility of children the standard?" Again, 86 percent of respondents voted "Yes".
The Michigan Families and Fathers Conference, Healing our Families, a Time for Change is being held at the Metro Detroit Airport on June 17th and 18th. For information write to the Family Rights Coalition at info@fathers05.org, call 734.322.2974 vox or visit the web site www.fathers05.org.
What I've learned in the last three years in the movement is that children want equal access to both of their parents and that parents of both genders want equal access to their children. I've learned that studies show children adjust to divorce best when they maintain the same level of contact with their parents as they had before the divorce and that in some cases shared parenting can actually reduce conflict between parents. I learned that other unmarried parents could successfully co-parent, even if they didn't think they could. And I learned that society supports shared parenting and equal custody. To answer the question of why I'm working within the Fathers' Movement, I'm here to tell the truth.
For more information on shared parenting please visit these web sites:
Sources:
©2005, Teri Stoddard
Source: Teri Stoddard, aka the Queen of Equality,
is a California grandmother who advocates for children and their
parents. Teri co-founded and ran The Respite Center for Women and
Children and The Respite Center for Parent and Child and has spent
many years working with families. She has successfully co-parented
for 18 years and is currently organizing Women for Shared Parenting.
You can find information on co-parenting on her web site Shared
Parenting Works, www.sharedparentingworks.org,
and you can keep up-to-date on family law reform on her blog
EgalitarianFeminist4fathers at feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/
Email her at teri@sharedparentingworks.org
6/13/05
Undoing the Damage of Male-Bashing, One
Daughter at a Time
Each week, these young women (and one young man, who signed up because he hopes to be a good father someday) arrange their desks in a circle with Dr. Linda Nielsen, psychologist, professor and author, to learn about fathers and fatherhood in the only such college course in the country.
The class is not a therapy session or support group, but a tough college course like any other, involving research, reading, field projects, papers, tests and grades. It’s just harder than most because it also involves introspection, self-analysis and the search for insight into one of life’s most important relationships. I attended a class recently, both as an observer and quasi-lecturer, at Nielsen’s invitation. Nielsen’s and my discovery of one another was like that scene in “The Count of Monte Cristo” where Edmond Dantes suddenly hears the tapping of another inmate through the dungeon floor and realizes, joyously, that he’s not alone. Together they labored to tunnel their way out of captivity and darkness into freedom and light. Similarly, these young people dig deeply to liberate themselves from the dark male stereotypes that pervade our culture, enlightening themselves in order to embrace their fathers. The title of Nielsen’s book and the course textbook is Embracing Your Father: How to Build the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted With Your Dad.
Despite the popularity of Nielsen’s class, now in its 15th year, and rave reviews from alumni, Nielsen has received scant attention from our nation’s literary and cultural gatekeepers. She understands the problem.
It is, after all, her job to understand the psychology of groupthink and the unconscious motivations of human beings. Thus, the joke around Nielsen’s kitchen table is that her book might have been a best seller if she’d titled it, “Ten Reasons to Hate Your Father … While Losing 20 Pounds and Having Great Sex!” Nielsen prefers to deal in reality, however, and is fearlessly steadfast in her conviction that most young women have been brainwashed by the culture into believing that men are inferior to women and that everything lacking in the father-daughter relationship is Dad’s fault.
An avowed feminist, Nielsen tries to show her students that sometimes girls and women are not victims, but are arrangers of their own unhappiness and misfortune.
At the same time, Nielsen is careful not to demonize mothers, which she says would be counterproductive and unfair. Daughters need to respect the mother as well as the father part of themselves, which evolves from a deeper understanding of both parents.
Her approach is short on warm and fuzzy. She’s a teacher, not a baby sitter, and instructs the old-fashioned way, using hard facts, statistics and research that bear out what women who’ve had good relationships with their fathers have always known — that most fathers are lovely creatures who teach their daughters, among other things, self-respect.
How peculiar that so many girls today learn a different story, often from mothers who, sometimes hurt or embittered by divorce, communicate negative messages to their daughters. Movies, books, television and other media are equally culpable.
By contrast, Nielsen’s book is full of documented facts that invariably take students by surprise. By learning, for example, that 2 million single dads are raising 3 million kids on their own, or that 80 percent of married fathers in this country earn most of the money for their families, students begin to see their fathers as hard-working, responsible men rather than as objectified wallets who routinely disappoint families by working too much.
They also learn that they share the responsibility for having a better relationship with Dad, and that fathers sometimes need permission to be more involved with their daughters. Such lessons offer dividends beyond grades, as expressed by grateful students who write to thank Nielsen for helping them discover their fathers as fellow travelers in life’s journey rather than as obstacles to gratification.
All students learn that most invaluable of lessons, that Dad is also “just” a human being, perhaps flawed and even struggling, and that he, too, could use a little understanding. Just like his little girl.
© 2005, Kathleen Parker
Source: Kathleen Parker, a syndicated columnist for
the Orlando Sentinel, welcomes comments via e-mail at
kparker@kparker.com,
although she cannot respond to all mail individually. Also, Linda
Nielsen's column appears monthly on our home page. See her most
recent column here.)
10 Tips for Keeping the Weight Off
SPECIAL ALERT: The single most important thing you can do to keep weight off for a lifetime is so important I've changed the format of the text to indelibly etch it into your psyche.
1. Wear form-fitting or tight clothes! When you reach maintenance, you should have one size, and one size only, of clothing. I've found that nothing sounds the warning siren faster or motivates people to act with greater haste than when their clothing gets too tight!
Think about what motivated you to start your diet. If you're like many of my clients, you were uncomfortable with your clothing (or you couldn't fit into it) and appearance. When you have a little extra trouble buttoning a pair of jeans or find it necessary to add an extra notch to your belt, it reawakens the original motivation. When you have only one size, you have no choice but to stay trim. If you save larger sizes, you are making it easy -- too easy -- to just switch to a larger size instead of acting to correct any errors.
Also, if you don't plan to be heavy again, why save the larger sizes? When you reach maintenance, throw out the larger sizes -- immediately!
Knowing that you have only one size of clothing adds another powerful incentive to maintain your weight: economics! How many of us can afford to buy a whole new wardrobe especially one in a larger size? Your wallet gives you extra incentive to guard your weight loss.
Before people ever respond to the clarion call to health, they listen to the cry of their clothing getting too tight. I'd have a nearly empty office if I tried to motivate people to stay on maintenance on the basis of health alone.
Your wardrobe is the most powerful deterrent I know of against sliding once more into out-of-control eating. It signals your commitment never to be heavy again. That's why I insist that all maintenance clients discard all clothes that no longer fit, with one exception: I ask them to save the outfit that's their largest size (preferably one they disliked ever having to wear) as an eternal reminder.
2. Keep problem foods you have a history of abusing out of your home. Almost all the women and a very large percentage of the men I have worked with who regained weight started the slide in their own homes. The slide often began with a food they had a history of abusing but had avoided while they were losing weight.
Remember the study by researchers at the National Weight Control Registry that found that two out of three people who lose weight and keep it off keep problem foods out of their house? Although that food might not tempt you at this moment, I can't urge you strongly enough to remove it from your home or at least keep it permanently out of your sight. Remember, you're always vulnerable to the foods that have tripped you up in the past -- even on maintenance. Eventually, people tend to return to their old favorites if they are continually available. On maintenance, even more than weight loss, availability stimulates craving -- even if it doesn't happen immediately. Along with keeping only one size of clothes in your house, it's critically important to keep problem foods out of your home.
3. Set a weight ceiling, and defend it. Pick a number -- typically about 3 pounds for women, 5 pounds for men -- and don't let your weight go above it -- ever. No matter what happens, don't let yourself off the hook. Draw a line in the sand. If you see your weight going up, return to my A list eating plan for several days, and as the weight starts to move down, you can add selections from my B list. When the weight is back down, you can return to maintenance eating (my C list). Most of my clients expect increases in weight on weekends because of higher-calorie maintenance meals at home and out. Monday is typically the "high number" day of the week, but by Friday, they bring the weight back down to their goal weight, via Phase A and B eating.
4. Weigh yourself every day. Your bathroom scale can't weigh your behavior. However, it will tell you when you gain a pound or two. If you step on the scale the morning after a big meal at a restaurant or special event, your weight could be up. Don't be alarmed. If it's water weight, it will dissipate in 24 to 48 hours. You should expect slight variations during the week, especially after maintenance meals.
If it's real weight (3 or more pounds that remain over a period of several weeks), that should be a warning to you to take immediate action.
If you find it a bit maddening to follow the daily fluctuations of the scale even though you are eating properly, pick three days of the week on which you will always weigh yourself (for example, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday).
5. Weigh yourself on the Maintenance New Scale, a nearly foolproof way to predict the scale of tomorrow (Explanation contained in The Thin Commandments Diet).
6. Exercise. It gives you structure and control. It gets you thinking about calorie burn and health consciousness and directs you away from obsessing about food. It's been shown that dieters who exercise regularly succeed the longest at keeping weight off. A study of more than 32,000 dieters by Consumer Reports magazine found that "regular exercise was the number one successful weight-loss maintenance strategy" of more than 81 percent of the long-term maintainers. In second place, at 74 percent, was the related strategy of increasing activity in daily routines. Also, as your body becomes lighter, it burns fewer calories. Exercise helps expand your calorie budget by burning the higher-caloric foods of maintenance.
And remember: Exercise generates endorphins, increases energy, and elevates mood.
Exercise provides you with a healthy outlet for stress. These effects help you follow through on your commitments, especially to control your weight. And as an outlet for stress, exercise shortcuts mood eating. It's the perfect alternative to keep your moods out of your foods.
7. Keep a photo of yourself at your heaviest weight. For added emphasis, place it next to a picture at your lightest weight. Many of my clients put the photo in a place where they feel most vulnerable -- the refrigerator door or kitchen counter, for example. Others elect to carry the photo in their wallet or purse.
Some of you may find it upsetting to stare constantly at a picture of yourself at your heaviest weight. Instead, carry a picture of what you look like at your lightest weight. You may find it motivates you even more to protect your accomplishments.
When it comes to weight control, a picture is truly worth a thousand words.
8. Keep a food diary. I'd like you to keep a diary for at least the first 90 days on maintenance. I ask my own clients to keep a diary for a full year. I want them to be certain they can manage the entire cycle of the year, with its holidays, vacations, special events, birthdays, summer versus winter eating, and so on. Since the same events and seasons come up year after year, once you get through the first year, you should be well prepared for the coming ones. After the first year, I frequently ask some clients to continue to keep a food diary or to keep a record of any "error" such as eating problem foods or excessive quantities of caloric foods.
A diary will serve as a daily reminder of the extras and/or negative eating habits. Writing out your meals and snacks a day in advance will help structure your thinking and help you steer clear of potential trip-ups.
9. Give yourself clear boundaries. Boundaries are a strong structure for your eating behavior. A major study of the winners found that 88 percent limited some type or classes of food. Another 45 percent limited the quantities of the foods they ate. Remember, if you don't have a good history of limiting a particular food, avoid it.
I help my clients establish clear boundaries and control their calorie budget with the lighter menus of Phases A and B of my eating plan from Monday through Friday, saving their maintenance meals or higher-calorie foods for weekends and special events. This clear boundary helps build an infrastructure of positive behaviors and smart eating habits that becomes automatic after a few weeks.
Most of my winners reinforce their boundaries with the techniques of Box It In and Box It Out. Many decide to Box Out a certain category or type of food. For some, it's baked goods, especially breadbaskets. Others avoid sweet baked goods (but may indulge in another type of sweet, such as a chocolate mousse). I want to emphasize again: They don't do this to make their lives difficult or to deprive themselves of something they want. They do it to make it easier to succeed at weight control -- which is something they want more.
10. Go beyond the food reward system. My winners enjoy the pleasure of fine food. Many of them dine regularly at fine restaurants. However, they've evolved beyond the childhood programming that views food as a reward or a treat.
They understand that no matter how beautiful a food looks or how enticing its aroma, if it's a food they have a history of abusing, it's no reward at all.
Some of my clients reward themselves with new clothes. Others enjoy a trip to a spa, a new necklace, or a weekend getaway with friends.
These are material rewards. A far more meaningful reward occurs each morning when they look in the mirror and see a trim body. There's no greater reward you can give yourself than to live the vision you have for your own life.
© 2005 by Dietech Co
Source: Reprinted from: The Thin
Commandments Diet: The 10 No-Fail Strategies for Permanent Weight
Loss by Stephen Gullo, Ph.D. . Permission granted by Rodale, Inc.,
Emmaus, PA 18098. or www.rodalestore.com
Our first nominee, predictably, is New Jersey governor James McGreevey, accompanied by his gorgeous, adoring wife, stands at a podium and announces his resignation, due to a doomed affair with an Israeli man whom he says is blackmailing him. While holds his wife’s hand and affirming their love for each other, he declares, “As a child I always felt ambivalent. ... My truth is that I am a gay American.” Weird, but the story and misnomers get more ridiculous: the accused blackmailer’s lawyer describes his client as “heterosexual.” The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart calls him a “flaming extortionist.”
Our next nominee, George “Father Figure” Michael, says in an interview for the U.K. magazine, GQ, “When I walk into a restaurant I check out the women before the men, they’re more glamorous. If it wasn’t for [my boyfriend] Kenny [Goss], I’d have sex with a woman, no problem.” Not that having a boyfriend kept him out of public restrooms soliciting sex with men. Anyways, so he still digs women. No big deal. But why does he call himself, and why does everybody else call him gay?
Finally, on The Graham Norton Effect, Sandra Bernhard makes her entrance holding two male hunks on leashes. When Graham suggestively holds out a bunch of grapes to her and to Marlon Wayans, Sandra quips to Marlon, “You can always lick a man’s balls.” Minutes later, checking an online “hot teeth-brushing” site, Graham notes that Sandra’s mouth picture is on top of Catherine Zeta-Jones’. Sandra shoots back, “That’s just where I like to be.” The audience roars and Sandra shouts, “That’s right — the L Word, people!” Is Sandra plugging the new Showtime cable series, or actually calling herself a lesbian these days?
The envelope, please. Whoops, it’s empty: no winners, I guess. We’re looking for a word here, people, and it’s on the tip of everyone’s tongue, but it just seems to catch in the throats of gay men, lesbians, and straight folks. Wayne Bryant, author of From Anais to Zee: Bisexual Characters in Film, has the answer: “Indeed, while many of the bisexual male stereotypes we have lived with for the past several decades are still with us, the most prevalent trend as we enter the new century is the inability of bi men to utter the word ‘bisexual.’ … In Hollywood, as well as independent and foreign films, it has become the sexuality that dares not speak its name.”
Indeed, Michael Cunningham’s deeply moving novel and new movie, A Home at the End of the World, depicts two boys who develop a deeply emotional and sexual friendship. After a sudden break of several decades, the two reunite in Manhattan with an older female friend. Their friendship triad becomes what many reviews politely describe as a “love triangle.” With only their hearts to guide them, the three characters struggle to create a form of family and love for which they have no model — and apparently no word: the words “gay” and “bisexual” are never used.
I thought that there was actually a word for people who love both men and women: bisexual. But apparently I’m mistaken. While preparing two anthologies on bi men, it becomes quickly apparent that, although bi communities exist in a few urban areas, a substantial, viable bisexual culture seems conspicuously absent. Why, for example, is there no national magazine of any distinction that markets itself to bisexuals? (Details, I’m assured, is for metrosexual guys.)
I ask a famous gay doctor whom I know if he can help me arrange an interview with a male bisexual celebrity, such as Allan Cumming or Michael Stipe. He replies dismissively: “In Italy almost every man marries. I know lots of gay, and I mean very gay men, who are married and have sex with women. Bi-sexuality to me is not a reality.” It’s odd, coming from a doctor: how are “very gay men, who are married and have sex with women,” not bisexual?
An old pal, Blackwolf, writes me, “Some women are deep down sexy and fascinating and indescribable in their complexity to me. Most are not to me. Most men are, to me, a sexual blank. ... I don’t know if I would still call myself bisexual, merely open to sensations. My partner is the only person to whom I’m constantly attracted.” Granted, but I wonder why he would stop considering himself bi.
I visit the Webpage “LGBT for Kerry,” which affirms that “John Kerry and John Edwards believe that every American should have the opportunity to succeed and to live the American dream. ... The LGBT community contributes to our nation in so many ways, in every corner of this country. Gay and lesbian Americans only asks for equal treatment.” I appreciate these words of promise and hope for all lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people, but cannot understand the obvious omission of bisexuals and transpeople, nor why my requests to the Website to add those terms are ignored.
Queer people of all stripes often deny a basic aspect of human (and animal) sexual nature: If you’re sexually attracted to both men and women, that makes you bisexually oriented. Bisexual. Not straight. Not gay. Not lesbian. It’s bisexual — and, for some, like noted author Patrick Califia, it may be transsexual as well. Whatever you call yourself, bisexuality is real.
The complexity of the concept is understandably difficult to grasp by gays and straights alike. As The Joy of Gay Sex (3rd rev. ed.) describes in its excellent entry on bisexuality, “Perhaps no other word in the area of human behavior is used with such imprecision. ... Truly bisexual men and women belong to one of the most persecuted groups in society. Both gays and straights find them confusing, and their very existence threatens widely held preconceptions.”
Far beyond the “bisexual chic” of the “sexual revolution” three decades ago, in present-day post-sodomy USA, a bisexual revolution is silently but steadily unfolding. Accelerating numbers of previously hetero- and gay-identified men and women, and younger bicurious people, are coming out as bisexual, into an increasingly tolerant culture where eventually bisexuality may very well become the norm.
Studies indicate that almost half of Kinsey’s “one in ten” homosexual men may actually participate in sex with both men and women. Although many may call themselves bisexual, far more identify as straight or nongay and live in the straight community, even though bisexually active. In smaller numbers, bisexually active men call themselves “gay men who sleep with women” and live in the GLBTIQA community.
Although we may conjecture upon the commonness, and repression, of male bisexuality, bi men clearly are an underserved population among GLBTIQA studies, men’s studies, gender studies, fiction, and other literature in general. Notable exceptions such as bestselling writers E. Lynn Harris and J. L. King also tend to misidentify “straight” men on the Down Low as being in actuality “gay.”
Bi men are made further invisible by the medical community, who no longer even look at them as bisexual – whether self-identified as gay, bi, or straight – but as “MSMs” or Men who have Sex with Men. Strong cultural influences deeply affect many of these bisexually active men, such as married African-American men on the Down Low, and Hispanic/Latino men whose machismo prohibits submissiveness.
The apparent dearth of out, bisexual-identified men is understandable, considering the huge personal risk involved for many straight-identified MSMs afraid of being perceived as fags or “girlie men.” Straight culture illogically lumps bisexuals in with gays and other queers from sexual ignorance, common bigotry, and misogyny.
Inclusion is the guiding force of bisexuals, diversity its key. One friend asks, “Why can’t you people decide on one name to call yourselves?” Not only does everyone seem to have a nasty word or joke for bis, they themselves seem strangely unable to agree on the term. Bi folks call themselves, or are called, omnisexual, polyamorous, asexual, trisexual (“He’ll try anything!”), ambisexual, fence-sitters, transgendered, metasexual, and multisexual – often occurring in surprising new combinations. Anything but monosexual.
Bisexuality itself has limitless flavors. A local drag queen snipped at me recently, “I just don’t get bisexuals.” I explained, “If you like both Vanilla and Moose Tracks flavors of ice cream, why not eat them both? Drag is even a way of bisexuality.” To which she replied, “Drag is far more glamorous than bisexuality.” Perhaps, but while drag queens may be bisexual, bisexuals are never a drag.
There are as many sexualities as there are individual bodies and souls: to paraphrase author Susie Bright, every person has a sexual story. Because of its ambivalence, bisexuality and transgendered folks understand what it means to shift one’s sexual vocabulary. Some gay and lesbian folks truly get that bisexuality is as valid a way of loving as any other, and don’t try to marginalize others in service of whitewashing everything “not straight” as gay. On Michael Signorile’s radio talk show recently, one guest described a married man he met who has sex with men as “hard bi.” to which another guest dismissed him, “Oh, that’s just gay.” Somehow they needed to qualify or deny bisexuality; they couldn’t simply state, “Oh, that’s just bi,” as if it weren’t abnormal.
Every day, in ways large and small, we all encounter evidence of bisexual invisibility. As we seek to describe ourselves honestly and positively, bisexuals try to live with conscious sexuality loving all. Show your compassion for bisexuals and acceptance of bisexuality by calling us as we are, rather than as you might want us to be. Especially if you’re gay or lesbian, please: say bisexual exactly the same way you want others to say homosexual, lesbian, or gay.
I don’t buy the idea that using the word enforces a binary gender system. “Bisexuality” is a word that encompasses a vast, if not unlimited, range of affectional preferences and sexual activities. Yet its simplicity is apparent: whether you’re male or female or trans, if you’re attracted to both men and women, whether simultaneously or sequentially — why yes, you, friend, are bisexual. It’s a perfectly good, perfectly usable word.
Go ahead and say it: bisexual. It just might fit.
© 2005 by Ron Suresha. All rights reserved.
Source: Ron Suresha is author of the gay
men’s studies book, Bears on Bears: Interviews &
Discussions, and editor of several fiction anthologies, most recently
Bear Lust: Hot, Hairy, Heavy Fiction, from Alyson Publications. He is
completing editorial work on two new nonfiction and fiction
anthologies of bisexual men’s writing, forthcoming from Haworth
Press / Journal of Bisexuality, 2005. He lives in Providence, RI, and
his Website homepage is http://www.suresha.com.
Note: A longer version of this essay was published
previously in FAB Magazine, Oct. 2004, and Options RI, Nov. 2004. Ron
Jackson Suresha, POB 3355, Providence, RI 02909-0355 www.suresha.com
or mail@suresha.com
or 401.383.4174
What Men Need to Know about Women and
Menopause
Nancy Cetel talks about many of the changes couples experience in her book Double Menopause, and what often happens is that emotions, including past hurts, hopes, dreams, etc., that may have been buried or unexpressed in the past, can no longer hidden. It can’t be helped – the truth will not be held back any longer. For some women, that shows up in pent up aggression that is taken out on a male partner by pushing him away and/or making him unable to relate to you on a physical level. Men need to know that the loss of desire for sex may be caused from the hormonal changes, but there might also be an emotional element that needs to be dealt with.
It is advisable that men in menopause couples acquaint themselves with the effects of menopause, in themselves and their partners, in order to better understand the changes their relationship is going through. Men soon realize that hormonal imbalances are causing unwanted emotional symptoms in women that could lead to verbal spats every now and then. Men need to be aware that emotional changes are likely to occur and that they are not to blame for them but that their partner may require extra attention, love and outward expressions of caring more now than ever before.
Men need to understand that their sexual drives could also have changed as they experience a slower loss of testosterone. To keep sexual interest, partners may need to put more time and attention into the quality of their sex lives and ‘update’ themselves on what things turn them on at this stag of the game.
Men need to know that a decrease in estrogen in their lover’s bodies – can significantly alter how she thinks and feels about sex. In addition, vaginal discomfort and thinning of the lining of the vagina can make sex painful so it will not be enjoyable for either of them until they find a solution for this.
More than ever this is a critical time for couples to communicate more about the changes they are both experiencing. Christian Northrup talks about ‘reversing roles’ as couples go through this transition in her book the Wisdom of Menopause. Men often lose a lot of the aggression that once fueled their younger years and they are happier to stay home and engage in more nurturing activities, that they never paid attention to before, such as cooking. Women, on the other hand, may want to venture out into the world and pursue a long-thought about career. They become more aggressive and passionate about accomplishing things. In this way, the couple almost switch roles in the relationship.
Talking a lot, expressing ideas, and bonding with one another again becomes critical during this transition. Men need to know what is happening to their women on a day-to-day basis, and visa versa. Women want men to cheer them on as they undergo significant changes including dealing with physical discomfort, hormonal imbalances, and possibly venturing out into the career world for the first time!
Men need to know that sex isn’t going away totally. Explore sexual alternatives and realize that having less sex is not the end of the world! Experiment with vibrators, and oral sex, if you haven’t already as these are fine alternatives and to maintain a healthy sex life. Women love toys as much as guys do. Menopause might mean taking more time for foreplay for some women. Get into a habit of communicating your needs to each other and learn to enjoy the changes instead of fighting against them.
The most important thing is that husbands provide a social network for their menopausal wives to rely on. Realize that menopause is only a phase, albeit the end of the old and the beginning of a new one, and it’s possible to adjust to the changes by remaining aware. By staying informed of each other’s thoughts and feelings and becoming tolerant and understanding to the emotional pains women can go through, menopause couples can overcome most difficulties. And, who knows, you might like the new person you wake up to better! Think of it as another adventure.
©2005, Cathy Taylor
Source: Cathy Taylor is a marketing consultant
with over 25 years experience. She specializes in internet marketing,
strategy and plan development, as well as management of
communications and public relations programs for small business
sectors. She can be reached at Creative Communications:
creative--com@cox.net
or by visiting www.menopauseinfo.org
Undoing the Damage of Male-Bashing, One
Daughter at a Time
Each week, these young women (and one young man, who signed up because he hopes to be a good father someday) arrange their desks in a circle with Dr. Linda Nielsen, psychologist, professor and author, to learn about fathers and fatherhood in the only such college course in the country.
The class is not a therapy session or support group, but a tough college course like any other, involving research, reading, field projects, papers, tests and grades. It’s just harder than most because it also involves introspection, self-analysis and the search for insight into one of life’s most important relationships. I attended a class recently, both as an observer and quasi-lecturer, at Nielsen’s invitation. Nielsen’s and my discovery of one another was like that scene in “The Count of Monte Cristo” where Edmond Dantes suddenly hears the tapping of another inmate through the dungeon floor and realizes, joyously, that he’s not alone. Together they labored to tunnel their way out of captivity and darkness into freedom and light. Similarly, these young people dig deeply to liberate themselves from the dark male stereotypes that pervade our culture, enlightening themselves in order to embrace their fathers. The title of Nielsen’s book and the course textbook is Embracing Your Father: How to Build the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted With Your Dad.
Despite the popularity of Nielsen’s class, now in its 15th year, and rave reviews from alumni, Nielsen has received scant attention from our nation’s literary and cultural gatekeepers. She understands the problem.
It is, after all, her job to understand the psychology of groupthink and the unconscious motivations of human beings. Thus, the joke around Nielsen’s kitchen table is that her book might have been a best seller if she’d titled it, “Ten Reasons to Hate Your Father … While Losing 20 Pounds and Having Great Sex!” Nielsen prefers to deal in reality, however, and is fearlessly steadfast in her conviction that most young women have been brainwashed by the culture into believing that men are inferior to women and that everything lacking in the father-daughter relationship is Dad’s fault.
An avowed feminist, Nielsen tries to show her students that sometimes girls and women are not victims, but are arrangers of their own unhappiness and misfortune.
At the same time, Nielsen is careful not to demonize mothers, which she says would be counterproductive and unfair. Daughters need to respect the mother as well as the father part of themselves, which evolves from a deeper understanding of both parents.
Her approach is short on warm and fuzzy. She’s a teacher, not a baby sitter, and instructs the old-fashioned way, using hard facts, statistics and research that bear out what women who’ve had good relationships with their fathers have always known — that most fathers are lovely creatures who teach their daughters, among other things, self-respect.
How peculiar that so many girls today learn a different story, often from mothers who, sometimes hurt or embittered by divorce, communicate negative messages to their daughters. Movies, books, television and other media are equally culpable.
By contrast, Nielsen’s book is full of documented facts that invariably take students by surprise. By learning, for example, that 2 million single dads are raising 3 million kids on their own, or that 80 percent of married fathers in this country earn most of the money for their families, students begin to see their fathers as hard-working, responsible men rather than as objectified wallets who routinely disappoint families by working too much.
They also learn that they share the responsibility for having a better relationship with Dad, and that fathers sometimes need permission to be more involved with their daughters. Such lessons offer dividends beyond grades, as expressed by grateful students who write to thank Nielsen for helping them discover their fathers as fellow travelers in life’s journey rather than as obstacles to gratification.
All students learn that most invaluable of lessons, that Dad is
also “just” a human being, perhaps flawed and even
struggling, and that he, too, could use a little understanding. Just
like his little girl.
Source: Kathleen Parker, a syndicated columnist for the Orlando
Sentinel, welcomes comments via e-mail at kparker@kparker.com,
although she cannot respond to all mail individually. Also, Linda
Nielsen's column appears monthly on our home page. See her most
recent column here.)
There is a march on America’s. People hold huge signs proclaiming our rage and need to change the concept of cutting off part of a person’s body without their consent. These people are hardcore, and deserve all our respect and support.
If this is the first time you’re educating yourself about
controversy against circumcision, then buckle in. There’s a ton
of information on the Internet, right at your fingertips. I suggest
going to the following site, then clicking on any of the
organization’s links to read about why circumcision (aka
infantile genital mutilation) is really wrong and should be stopped
today. www.mgmbill.org/resources.htm
I’m assuming you went, and visited several of the sites that state the horrors and implications that circumcision creates. You are now informed about why it is wrong and the benefits of being intact, and if you are circumcised (like I am) you’re steaming with anger and want to know what you can do to end the insanity.
Of course, all of the organizations proactively striving to end this heinous surgical ritual are nonprofit, so we know what that means. Along with kicking some fundage their way (and I mean any, I sent three dollars to NORM and NOCIRC), it is important to actively participate in the support. It won’t take you long. Trust me. It took less than ten minutes for me to join the revolution.
Here are four easy steps to actively do your part to help end
infantile genital mutilation. Go to www.mgmbill.org
Click on the Take Action link on the left sidebar.
There you will find several petitions to electronically sign, as well as the bills in their entirety that our vanguards are pushing to be made into law.
For the The Ashley Montagu Resolution whose mission is to end genital mutilation world wide, you only need to submit your first and last name, and a valid e-mail address (you can select whether you want your info public or private). It took me less than a minute, no lie, I just did it.
Then there are steps two, three, and four. I imagine most of us will make it past step two at least. For it requires us to follow through with what we believe in, and all you need to do is follow some links. I found it helped to open another window of the MGMbill web site, for some cutting and pasting text comes into play.
Click on the House or Senate link (the format for either is similar). When it prompts you to the next page, type in your five digit zip code, and you’re House or Senate representative’s name will be produced. Click their name and you will be transferred to their web site or an e-mail form. If you’re transferred to their web site, find the Contact Us link, and just fill out your info. In the subject I chose Civil Rights, and in the body of the e-mail I wrote please support this bill, before pasting the MGMbill text (copied from the MGMbill web site I kept open in the other window).
This all took less than six minutes (three minutes for each, honestly, I just filled out both forms). Saying you’ll do it later because you’re at work is crap. If you can take the time to goof off and read this article, you can take another ten minutes and utilize your freedom to state your opinions to the officials whom matter.
Be proud for completing step two. You officially have used your voice. Give yourself a pat on the back or a cookie.
If you don’t live in California, then you don’t even have to complete step three and step four doesn’t even need to be done until you receive a response from your representatives. You can forward their responses to comments@mgmbill.org (no need to remember this address, there is a link in step four that when clicked, opens up an already addressed e-mail, complete with subject heading.)
See, easy as one, two, three---literally. The best way to be an activist without exasperating yourself is to just be aware of the people you know giving birth to males. Guide them toward the information on the Internet (there are videos of the circumcision being done if you can stomach it) and let them know that if they do decide to go against their son’s rights and disregard all the logical reasons why they shouldn’t, then all they need to do is wait 18 years until their son is old enough to tell them they’ve done irreversible damage to his body and he will never forgive them.
There’s still half a week left of Genital Integrity Awareness Week! Get those ribbons made!!!
©2005, Carl Schutt
Finding the Answers in Managing Your
Fears and Anxieties
Let me explain the process of how I found those answers.
I first went to my local bookstore to find those books that dealt with fear and anxiety. I looked for those books that reviewed the techniques in how to manage certain fears and anxieties. As I read these books, I wrote down some notes on those techniques that I found most useful in managing my fears. I noticed that each book said something different and there wasn’t always a complete review of all the techniques to manage fear and anxiety. As a result, I started a notebook and every time I found a technique that was useful in managing my fears, I would write it down in my small notebook.
Secondly, I talked to various professionals in the psychology and religious fields and they provided me with additional information. Again, I would write down in my notebook the information that the professionals gave me that I felt was most useful in managing my fears. Some of the techniques that I was told to use was learning how to use positive self talk, using thought stopping techniques, and breaking a overwhelming problem into its smallest parts.
For instance, I was told that I should visualize a red stop sign in my mind when I encounter a fear provoking thought. The stop sign would remind me to stop focusing on that thought and to think of something else. Another example, is when I conducted my job search. Instead of looking at the job search as a whole, I broke down the job search into many different tasks. I first developed my resume. When I completed my resume, I began to look for companies that would hire me and I submitted my resume. After sending out my resume, I then focused on the job interviewing process. During my job search, I performed each of these tasks one at a time which prevented me from getting overwhelmed.
I made it a point that every time I would experience a fearful or anxiety related situation, I would use the information in my notebook to help me. After the anxiety would go away I figure out what techniques worked and which ones didn't work. In every anxiety related situation I experienced, I began to learn what worked, what didn't work, and what I needed to improve on in managing my fears and anxieties
At the same time, I would continue to talk to various professionals to learn and to become better at managing the many types of fears and anxieties. I would review what I have learned with these professionals and they would provide me with additional information so that I would be better able to deal with my fears in the future. I did this research for around fourteen years and during this time, I gained a lot of valuable information on how to manage fear and anxiety.
The main point is that no matter how difficult it is to manage
your fear and anxieties, the answers are out there if you look hard
enough. It might take some hard work and persistence, but it is
possible to find those techniques that work for you.
The Three Most Critical Points in a Diet
Plan
At the beginning
The motivation to start dieting often begins with a desire to look better, to fit into your clothes, to feel better about yourself, and to improve your health -- and it often means experiencing strong, very negative feelings. You may feel disgusted with yourself for your lack of control, or hate to look at yourself in the mirror, or dread opening your closet in the morning because you have nothing to wear that will make you feel good about yourself. Although this is the stage that propels many overweight people into treatment, it can also become a black hole, in which motivation to change is overwhelmed by a sense of futility and self-loathing. This is why it's so important to get started with a belief in yourself and your own ability to succeed again. I frequently remind my clients that it's just a piece of food against them. Food has no life smarts or strategy -- It has no I.Q. You have every advantage when you know yourself, your history, and how to approach food situations.
At the midpoint.
There's a natural tendency to become less careful when you've started to succeed. Most people on a weight program start to see significant changes in 10 to 30 days. You don't even need to get to the end, to your ideal weight, to see the reward. Your clothes are looser, you're getting compliments, you're happier with yourself, your pain has gone away, and suddenly, you're sliding into old patterns, sabotaging yourself. You may believe that because you've lost a few pounds, you've lost your control problems with certain foods. You may forget that just because the pounds come off, it doesn't mean your history, your taste buds, or your vulnerability to your trigger or problematic foods has changed. Perhaps you're telling yourself that you can handle "just a little." You're feeling a lot less urgency to watch yourself with quantities, to plan ahead, to shop carefully. You become complacent -- and complacency is the enemy of thin. Fortunately, there are strategies to save you.
At the end.
Success is yours! You've reached your personal best. Every time you look in the mirror, you feel a thrill of pleasure and a sense of pride. The intense satisfaction of achieving your treasured goal convinces you that you'll never go back to your old ways again. Your motivation and commitment are high -- for a while. But soon, the honeymoon is over, and you've got to get down to the business of living trim. Maintenance is the most high-risk period of any weight-control effort. Lots of people succeed with dieting -- they get an A for dieting every time they stay the course -- and then they flunk maintenance. The cause, of course, is usually a lapse in the strategies that are designed not only to carry you through but to help you realize that just because you've lost the weight, you haven't lost the problem.
Many people think about achieving their weight goal in the same way they think about achieving a high school diploma -- you get it once and then you can take it for granted for the rest of your life. But food control is an ongoing, dynamic process. And to make the transition from dieting to lifestyle mode requires changing your thinking and staying with the strategies, which will give you the tools for life, to maintain a lifetime of trim.
Source: Dr. Stephen Gullo received his doctorate
in psychology from Columbia University, and for more than a decade,
he was a professor and researcher at Columbia University Medical
Center. He is the former chair of the National Obesity and Weight
Control Education Program of the American Institute for
Life-Threatening Illness at Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center. His
first book, Thin Tastes Better, was a national bestseller. He has
been interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Larry King, and Barbara Walters
and has also made numerous appearances on Today, Good Morning
America, and Hard Copy. Dr. Gullo is currently president of the
Institute for Health and Weight Sciences' Center for Healthful Living
in New York City. He resides in New York City and the U.S. Virgin
Islands. When additional products and services become available, Dr.
Gullos hotline, 888-DIET-911, will become activated. Reprinted from:
The Thin Commandments Diet: The 10 No-Fail Strategies for Permanent
Weight Loss by Stephen Gullo, Ph.D. © 2005 by Dietech Co.
Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available
wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling
(800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com. For
more information on this book, please visit www.writtenvoices.com
Here's what I mean. Last summer, my 10-year-old son Cody and I spent an entire day walking the fields, checking fences. When we saw a post that needed straightening or a strand of wire that needed to be tightened, we set right to work. Sweat poured across our faces, our shirts grew soaked from the hard work we were engaged in. But as we strained against the task at hand, we talked about his little league baseball team and how he could improve his hitting to the opposite field. Then, as we walked a little farther down the fence line, we laughed till we cried when a covey of quail nearly gave us a heart attack as they exploded out of the grass in front of us. We heard the amazingly varied call of a cardinal in the woods off to our right. We saw two red-tailed hawks circling lazily over our heads, and marveled at how they could see field mice at such a height.
It was a typical day for us, father and son. We weren't doing anything "special." We were working. And yet, I know from similar experiences with my own dad when I was Cody's age that days like these would be the ones that came to mind once he'd grown up and had children of his own.
So I ask again: was that "quality time?"
Think back to your own childhood. What things do you remember most about your parents? Was it the fact that your dad worked 16 hours a day at the office, and fell asleep on the couch on the weekends because he was too exhausted to move? No, I'm willing to wager that's not what you remember. More likely, you remember the time you went for a long walk along the country road in the rain and came home looking like not only something the cat had dragged in, but something he'd dragged in and forgotten under the refrigerator for a month.
It's been said that kids spell "love" ... t-i-m-e, and I couldn't agree more.
So the next time you hear yourself thinking that you'll make it up to your daughter when she asks you to play "Chutes and Ladders" for the seven millionth time, remember: your kids are watching you, and it doesn't matter how young they are; they know how to spell the word "quality," too.
Strangely enough, to our kids, the word "quality" is spelled exactly the same as the word "love."
They're both spelled T-I-M-E.
Man Blamed for the 'Metrosexual' says
'Sorry' - and outs himself as 'lesbosexual'
"I had no idea what I was starting," he said, speaking exclusively from his home in London, England. "If I'd known that metrosexuals would take over the world and make everyone wear fake tan and use glutinous hair care products I would have written about baseball instead."
In the last year, literally hundreds of newspaper, magazine and TV items on 'metrosexuals' have appeared around the globe. Several well-known men have 'outed' themselves as metrosexual, including Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean (though he seems to have gone back in the 'metrocloset' shortly afterwards). This Summer's biggest hit TV series was Bravo's metrosexual makeover program Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Metrosexuality has even conquered Middle America – in a recent hilarious episode of South Park, all the town's males turn metrosexual after watching an episode of Queer Eye.
Although Simpson first wrote about metrosexuals in UK national newspaper the Independent back in 1994, the current wave of what he dubs 'metrosexmania' began after he formally introduced the term to the US with his famous article 'Meet the metrosexual' on Salon.com in July of last year, in which he cited British soccer star David Beckham as the poster-boy of metrosexuality.
Here is Simpson's pithy definition from that article: "The typical metrosexual is a young man with money to spend, living in or within easy reach of a metropolis — because that's where all the best shops, clubs, gyms and hairdressers are. He might be officially gay, straight or bisexual, but this is utterly immaterial because he has clearly taken himself as his own love object and pleasure as his sexual preference. Particular professions, such as modeling, waiting tables, media, pop music and, nowadays, sport, seem to attract them but, truth be told, like male vanity products and herpes, they're pretty much everywhere."
"After 'Meet the metrosexual' aired on Salon," says Simpson, "metrosexuality went from being a visually to a textually transmitted disease – the word seems to have become even more popular than the phenomenon it describes." There are now over 24,000 Google hits for the term.
'Meet the metrosexual' was adapted from Simpson's 2002 collection of sharply satirical essays Sex Terror: Erotic misadventures in pop culture, which has just been rush-reprinted. Revised and updated, it now includes Simpson's bemused response to the extraordinary fame of what he calls his 'Frankenstein monster with perfect skin terrorizing and sashaying the globe", his thoughts on the way that his satire has turned into seriously hard sell – and why the mainstream, marketing version of the metrosexual is always sold as being 'straight'.
The gay daddy of the metrosexual also makes a startling confession in Sex Terror: "Clearly I display some of the symptoms of male vanity, but I'm a rather bad metrosexual. As my penchant for man-made fiber-rich sportswear and white socks would suggest, I'm more of a 'lesbosexual'. I may not be straight, but the gay 'Fab Five' would nevertheless have a hissy fit over my wardrobe, if I was stupid enough to let them into my house. Yes, I go to the gym – but only because it's the only club that will let me in, in my lesbianwear."
Other Simpsonisms from Sex Terror to mention at dinner parties:
Also in Sex Terror: Simpson is cruised by 'Galen' from Planet of the Apes, goes on a disastrous date with a Hollywood divorcee who isn't Liza Minelli, gets worked up with Alexis Arquette over Stephen Baldwin's bubble butt, 'outs' Brad Pitt as a one-night stand that won't leave and – very gingerly – confronts Henry Rollins with those 'gay' rumors.
For more information, visit:
About Mark Simpson: www.marksimpson.com
Sex Terror: Erotic Misadventures in Pop Culture www.haworthpress.com/store/product.asp?sku=4644
It's a Queer World: Deviant Adventures in Pop Culture www.haworthpress.com/store/product.asp?sku=1780
About Mark Simpson: Simpson is the author of
several critically-acclaimed books, including Male Impersonators,
It's a Queer World, Anti-Gay, the Queen is Dead (with Steven
Zeeland) and Saint Morrissey. He also appears to have been an
inspiration for Quentin Tarantino's manic cameo appearance in the
movie Sleep with Me as a party guest obsessed with the
homoerotics of the classic Eighties blockbuster Top
Gun.
The Seven Words of Well-Being for Men
Something inside a man sizzles. Red-hot coals lie aglow in his belly, waiting for the breath of inspiration that will set them aflame. This is the fire that lives in a man. These are the roots of his passion, his fervor, his fuel to create a well-tempered existence. Herein lies his tinderbox, awaiting to arouse a man to a luminous life. When his fire is tended and nourished and fed, a man can kindle a revolt of his spirit, and awaken a brilliance as bright as the sun. He need only build the proper hearth to channel this white-hot intensity into the energy of action. To build and to dance; to begin and to be. To radiate a light that shines from within and enlightens all in his orbit -- and nobody needs to get burned. A man has the power to be a firebug for his very soul, but first he must find his own matches. And then, he must play with his fire.
Fertility
This is not about sperm counts. This is about the potent fruitfulness that lives in a man. It lives in his fertile imagination, in his prolific mind, in the seeds of innovation and initiation that he gently scatters like milkweed on the wind. A man¹s heart is fertile when it gives rise to acts of perfect love and radical forgiveness. When it sows the seeds of peace and justice. When it flowers and drops its petals in receptive soil strengthened by the sun and nourished by the rain. A man walks upon fertile ground when his every thought and his every action favor compassion over contempt, and amity over animosity. This is more about productivity than it is about reproduction. This is about begetting a future void of old, obsolete ideas, and bringing forth new ways invigorated by new truths. This is about creating; this is about life.
Work
It doesn¹t matter how many jobs a man may have, unless he¹s found his work. Not just the work that pays the bills, but the work that feeds his soul. The real work of a man goes on twenty-four hours every day, seven days a week. The work to define his place in the world, and to help create that world. The vocation that fits him like a glove and that no one else can do exactly like him. If he listens, work will call to a man. But until he¹s found right livelihood, everything else may feel wrong. He can work for money or love or sheer satisfaction. He may wear a white collar or a blue collar or a pink collar or no collar at all. He can work for wages or work for himself, or work for the company store. A man can work with his hands or his head, but to work at what he loves, a man must work from his heart. He must give freely of the gifts that only he can give. Until he steps into his one true calling, a man¹s work will never be done.
Truth
There¹s a lot more to the truth than just facts. Or consequences. Truth be told, it matters little whether a man tells the truth, unless he also lives it. Unless he lives the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth of his life. The genuine article; the very life he was born to live. It is one thing to stand in a court of law and swear to be truthful; it is something else altogether to stand in front of the mirror and commit to live a life without lies. When a man creates a life in tune with his deepest knowings, he lives in his truth. When a man forsakes the agendas of others and lives according to his highest values, he can truthfully say he is living an authentic life. The truth is sometimes bitter, and often strange.
To get to the naked truth of his own existence, a man may have to peel away lifetimes of layers of lies. When he does, he will find his truth, his way, and his life.
Voice
Listen to the voice of a man. Hear it cry out for freedom and call out in triumph. Hear it keen and bellow and moan and wail. His is the voice that exploded in battle; his is the howl that ignited the flame. Beneath all the babble, he spoke sotto voce; his basso profundo enveloped the hall. You can hear the entire world in the voice of a man. The bit of brogue, the touch of twang, the patois of the plain, and the elocution of the noble. The changing voice of a boy becomes the unwavering voice of a man. A full-throated man voices his fears and his deepest yearnings. He voices his anger as he voices his joy. If called upon and ready, he voices the conscience of the people. The strongest men¹s voices still strain to be heard, while somehow, the lesser are heard over all. Listen to the sound of a man¹s voice in all of its glory. It just might be an angel, with the voice of a man.
Eros
Cupid pulled back his bow and hit a bull¹s eye, and now the man is real, real gone. He¹s leaking love all over the place and sucking the deliciousness out of life. He¹s stopping to smell the roses and sticking around to taste the dripping flesh of a ripe and juicy mango. He sees lovers cavorting in the clouds and alongside the road and he¹s trembling with runaway lust. Suddenly, all is sensational! Birdsong sweeter than he¹s ever heard lilts across meadows more lush than he¹s ever seen. A light rain sprinkles his face and he rises up into rapture. He trades in flannel for silk, and cotton for satin, and finally chucks it all to run naked beneath the moon. Love songs spill out of his lips without the slightest provocation, and he stays home from work on account of desire. He craves deep chocolate ice cream with hot raspberry syrup, passionfruit nectar with a twist, and Pavarotti twenty-four hours a day. He¹s washing in rosewater and soaking in ylang-ylang. He¹s been struck by an arrow, and he¹s taken it to heart.
Sanctuary
In the woods, beside the creek. High on the mesa, beneath the
ruins. Down in the cellar, behind the furnace. At his desk, late on
Sunday. Back at the woodpile, chopping, chopping. Out on the range,
running the horses and racing the wind. Over at the levee, skipping
stones. Hangin¹ at the garage, tinkering with tools. Men without
women. Men deep within. On the floor of the library, flipping through
picture books. Up on the roof, watching the sunset. At the tip of the
island, building castles in the sand. Down on his knees, surrounded
by Spirit. Underwater. Alone in his den, gathered at the lodge. Lost
in his music, seeking the silence. Finding his song, quelling the
voices. Behind the wheel. At the controls. On the road. Off the grid.
Below the surface. Beyond the din. Far away, men go within.
© 2006 Daniel G. Amen
Daniel G. Amen, M.D., is a
clinical neuroscientist, psychiatrist, and brain-imaging expert who
heads up the world-renowned Amen Clinics. He is a Distinguished
Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association and has won numerous
writing and research awards. He writes a monthly column in Men’s
Health called “Head Check” and has published nineteen
books, numerous professional and popular articles, and a number of
audio and video programs. His books include Making a Good Brain Great
(Harmony Books; October 2005;$24.00US/$34.00CAN; 1-4000-8208-0),
Preventing Alzheimer’s, Healing Anxiety and Depression, Healing
the Hardware of the Soul, Healing ADD, and the New York Times
bestseller Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. He is an
internationally renowned keynote speaker and a popular guest expert
for the media, with appearances on CNN, the Today show, The View, and
other venues. For more information please visit www.amenclinic.com.
Guidelines for Relating to Your Wife
During Divorce
Managing Day-to-Day Interactions
So how do you relate to each other? Even though you and your wife are divorcing, you are still together and still have many of the expectations of a married couple. She may still be your primary confidant, so you may be inclined to turn to her when something is troubling you. However, she is also the person you are divorcing and the feelings of rejection are still palpable. She is both friend and stranger at the same time, as are you to her.
While you are in this stage, it's likely that you and your wife may get into discussions that begin as pleasant recollections from the past, only to see them deteriorate into two conflicting versions of history. You may each ruminate about the future, only to find yourselves in a fight over how much support she seeks or whether she will agree to sell the house. Your situation is volatile, and what begins as a simple discussion soon becomes a battle with hurt feelings.
This is all part of the process of parting, and the sooner you acquire new expectations of each other, the better off you will be. Many couples come to me for mediation and express hope that they can come out of the divorce still being friends. It is very difficult to ratchet a relationship down from an intimate one to a friendship. Friends expect to be able to turn to each other for emotional sustenance, encouragement, and approval. Calling on each other for help or emotional reinforcement is tricky because intimate conversation between you triggers so many old and unresolved issues. You are the source of so much pain to each other that the pain is simply inconsistent with a friendship. So talk of friendship, more often than not, can just lead to further disillusionment with each other.
So, instead of aiming for friendship, the model that I return to repeatedly in this book is the appropriate dialogue with a business colleague. We expect business colleagues to be friendly rather than to be friends. When you talk to a colleague, you are careful to maintain a cordial and respectful tone. You do not engage in bursts of anger and you do not attack each other's character. You can agree to disagree, and you can negotiate amicable resolutions.
Because your relationship with a business colleague is limited to your common purpose, your communication is also limited. This helps ensure the relationship is long term; you do not stress it by demanding interaction outside of what is necessary to achieve a common goal.
This is especially important if you have children, as you and your wife will have to cooperate around child-related issues for a long time. You will have to be able to share relevant information, cooperate with each other to achieve common but limited goals, and resolve conflicts related to those goals on the occasions when such conflicts arise.
Although it is quite difficult to shift gears suddenly and move from an intimate relationship with complex expectations to that of business colleagues, you need to begin consciously moving toward the transition. As mentioned before, during the very difficult period after you have decided to divorce but before you have separated, it is easy to do great damage. Each of you may still be testing old agendas with each other. Each may look for approval and then feel angry when it is not forthcoming.
That's why now is the time to learn how to steer clear of trouble. You must be polite and cordial. Let your wife know when you are coming and going. Do your share of work in the house and have no expectations of personal service from her. Do your own laundry and shopping. Think of yourself as housemates, not spouses; you need to exercise the independence of a housemate. Do not burden your wife with your fears and do not expect to have intimate discussions. That is what you have friends for. That is what you use a therapist for. The sooner you and your wife achieve a respectful and cordial distance, the better off you both will be.
I also urge that you suggest divorce counseling for the two of you. Divorce counseling is not marital therapy and is not intended to achieve reconciliation. Divorce counseling uses a skilled therapist to help the two of you have any unfinished discussions about emotional issues that will help you both accept that the marriage is over. Ideally, divorce counseling provides a safe place where each of you can say things that you feel the need to say and ask questions that are still unanswered. Frequently in such counseling, the noninitiator of the divorce seeks answers about why you want a divorce and sometimes tries one last time to get you to agree to try again. It is a useful forum, because the therapist can interrupt to ensure that each of you are heard, can intervene to help you frame statements to minimize injury, and can provide the opinion of an independent third party that the marriage indeed seems to be over. It is also a safe place to try and obtain your wife's agreement to join you in managing a decent and gentle divorce. It gives you an opportunity to assure her that your intentions are to be fair and gentle and to meet your responsibilities to her and the children. A competent counselor should be able to help you do this in a few sessions. As in the choice of any professional, check out the counselor's credentials and experience carefully because an incompetent counselor can do more harm than good.
Managing Your Finances
Needless battles over money derail more divorces in the early stages than any other issue. Money is a source of power, so to be without money makes us feel powerless. At this point in your divorce, you want to avoid any behavior that will frighten your wife about money. Here are some simple rules.
1. Make no unilateral change in any bank or securities account. Well-meaning but ignorant advisers and some overzealous lawyers may counsel you to raid the accounts and move the money to new accounts in your name only. The usual rationale is that if you don't strike first, your wife will, and then she will have a huge advantage. And it is true that were she to sequester the money she would enjoy a slight bargaining advantage in the war that would follow. But it would also not be difficult to obtain a court order freezing the money so that neither of you could get at it without the consent of the other. But that is irrelevant because your objective here is trust, and trust cannot be achieved without some vulnerability and risk.
2. If there is some compelling reason that you have to make a withdrawal, such as payment of taxes, tell your wife first and secure her consent. Do not assume that she trusts you, and control your indignation if she asks for safeguards that she had not sought in the past.
3. Do not cancel your wife's credit cards or in any way take unilateral measures to control her spending. If you think that her spending is a problem, take the question up with your counselor or mediator. It is often necessary to negotiate temporary support or money management arrangements. By insisting on a bilateral agreement, you establish the premise that you and your wife can work out the details in negotiation and that power struggles through lawyers are unnecessary.
Managing Parenting Issues
At this stage of your divorce, it's critical to maintain the parenting status quo. If your wife has been the parent in charge of the children, now is not the time to assert your equality as a parent. Your relative parenting roles will be negotiated soon, and in your anxiety to maintain your role as father, do not precipitate threatening struggles over the children.
One of the most painful aspects of divorce is informing the children. I have seen many couples mess up this sensitive task by handling it unilaterally or precipitously. So develop a plan with your wife for you to together tell the children about the divorce. This is absolutely a joint task, and you may want some joint counseling about how and what to tell them.
Managing the News of Your Breakup
This is the time to develop a plan with your wife to break the news to relatives and friends. You can assume that she has discussed this already with intimate confidants, so don't be surprised to discover that some people already know. Nevertheless, offering to consult with your wife on the timing of the public dissemination of the news is an essential courtesy to extend.
Managing Your New Social Lives
Be very discreet in dating at this time. Even when your wife is the initiator, she will not be ready to receive information that she has been replaced without your even breaking stride. Do not assume that because she is leaving you she is done with you emotionally. She may even continue to harbor strong feelings toward you and may fantasize that you will make some dramatic gesture to win her back. If your wife gets a report that you were at the movies with some other woman just 2 weeks after she told you that she wanted a divorce, her resentment may sizzle even though you think she has no right to such feelings.
Ideally, dating should wait until you are living separately, and even then there is no reason to put new relationships in your wife's face. You have nothing to prove to her, and there is no issue here of who is right or wrong. It is only an issue of maintaining civility and moving the relationship along to a businesslike collaboration. But if you are dating while you are still living in the family home, it is worth taking pains to keep that activity thoroughly segregated from your continuing life at home.
© 2004, Sam Margulies
Source: Sam Margulies, Ph.D., J.D., has been one
of the leaders in the field of mediation for 25 years. An early
pioneer in mediation, Margulies was instrumental in helping to define
the field. He has taught mediation for 20 years, has made innumerable
presentations throughout the country, and has published extensively.
His first book, Getting
Divorced Without Ruining Your Life, was
one of the earliest texts that taught that divorce can be done
decently and without the traditional adversarial process. Margulies
lives and practices mediation in both Greensboro, North Carolina, and
Montclair, New Jersey. When not mediating, teaching, or writing, he
can often be found driving his tractor on his North Carolina farm.
For more information, please visit www.sammargulies.com,
or www.writtenvoices.com
Prostate Cancer Awareness Month
Why the debate? Prostate cancer screening saves lives
Prostate cancer is the most commonly diagnosed malignancy in American men. It is curable if diagnosed early. Early detection is the key.
About 30,000 men will die from it this year alone and one out of every 18 of those deaths will be of a Pennsylvania resident, ranking the state fifth in both of prostate cancer incidence and deaths. That's why Pittsburghers over 45 don't need another excuse to avoid taking care of their health.
But the argument against the use of the prostate specific antigen blood test for detecting prostate cancer has provided that excuse -- pitting public health officials and primary care physicians, who claim there is no evidence of PSA success beyond a reasonable doubt, against many urologists who ask why a 27 percent decline in prostate cancer mortalities in the past five years isn't evidence enough.
Despite American Cancer Society and American Urological Association guidelines that encourage doctors to offer a PSA test and a digital rectal exam while discussing the risks of the disease, too many doctors lean toward discouraging the test, focusing on misplaced convictions that the test discovers insignificant tumors and that it doesn't save lives.
Physicians who have deferred or waffled on PSA testing are losing their licenses and seeing their malpractice insurance carriers pay out millions of dollars to bereaved families.
In a November 2001 wrongful death suit, a widow was awarded $3 million in a case in which the doctor in question "did not tell the patient about [the high PSA level] or recommend further testing or follow up visits."
A study at Long Beach Community Cancer Center of 48 such prostate cancer malpractice cases determined that, of the 22 awards totaling over $8.4 million, roughly $7.5 million "could have been avoided if PSA screening and diagnostic guidelines . . . had been followed."
These cases have become legal benchmarks as the PSA debate has moved from the doctor's office into the courthouse. They should come as a warning to science and public health policy officials across the country: If you continue to delay a decision on PSA, lawyers and lawmakers will make it for you.
Urologists will tell you that, despite imperfections, the PSA test has changed the prostate cancer diagnostic landscape. Before it, nearly three out of four men diagnosed with the disease were in the late stages -- when prostate cancer is neither readily treatable nor curable. The advent of screening has inverted that statistic, giving men a fighting chance. Regional studies support that early detection reduces mortality. One study in Austria shows that prostate cancer mortalities were markedly reduced with widespread PSA screening.
Even though newer blood tests help clarify the likelihood of cancer when PSA is abnormal, we still need more research to determine better models for early detection. But should we doom the thousands of men who could die waiting up to 14 years for the results of a randomized trial to determine "perfect intelligence" on the PSA? With so many lives in the balance, how much evidence do we need to convince us that prostate cancer is our enemy, not the test that so often detects it in time to permit a cure?
Men over the age of 50 -- and even younger if they are at higher risk of prostate cancer (African Americans and men with family histories of the disease) should "get on with it." Set aside the excuses and resolve to be tested every year.
Source: Carl Frankel, an advocate for the National
Prostate Cancer Coalition, is retired general counsel for the United
Steel Workers of America and a prostate cancer survivor. He lives in
Point Breeze. www.post-gazette.com/healthscience/20020611hprostate4.asp
Good Résumé versus Great Résumé
A good résumé is a glorified application. This type of résumé explains to the hiring manager the following information in this order: dates of employment, companies, titles held, and job functions. It concludes with when and where you received your education. It is good because the hiring manager can get a clear summation of your past experience and education.
A great résumé is a marketing brochure. This résumé highlights the scope and depth of your experience. It describes the expertise you have developed throughout your career that relates to your future employer's needs. A great résumé communicates a compelling reason for the prospective employer to need and want your services.
Good résumés identify where you went to school, the jobs you have had, and your responsibility in those jobs. Great résumés extract the relevant accomplishments from your past experiences and highlight them. This prompts the interviewer to ask about them with the future in mind.
Great résumés also pave the way for great interviews. A well-crafted résumé will prompt the interviewer to target specific areas that are most relevant to the open position. A résumé that lists everything you have ever done requires you to be prepared to talk about all these things in an interview. It is difficult to prepare for such an extensive interview and can lead the interview astray.
Create a Great Résumé
Once you have adopted a future-focused orientation, you are ready to create your résumé. The presentation of your information, the layout, and the language you use to communicate value are extremely important. There are only two things you can be sure a hiring manager will do when reviewing your résumé: (1) Hiring managers will begin reviewing a résumé by starting at the top, and they will read the lines from left to right. (2) Their first impression will have the greatest impact and will influence how they perceive you. It creates the lens through which all other information is filtered.
Based on these principles, it is essential that the most relevant, important information be presented at the top and along the left side of your résumé. The least important information should be at the bottom and along the right side.
Résumé Format
In order to transform your résumé from a good résumé to a great résumé, concentrate on using your layout and language most effectively. Here's how.
Headings
The main heading is where you provide contact information for the hiring managers. Your main heading lets them know who you are and where you can be reached. This section should be designed like a professional letterhead. Résumés are formal documents, so you should not use abbreviations here.
Example:
Fran C. Smith
1153 Terry Avenue
Atlanta, Georgia 30306
francsmith@aol.com
404-555-1234
The main heading highlights your name and provides the contact information on one line, followed by a divider line. This format saves space that can be dedicated to communicating more of your strengths. Notice that it is not necessary to label the phone number or e-mail address; these items are understood. Be as concise as possible.
Use the same heading on your references page, cover letters, and thank-you letters. By creating a professional-looking letterhead, you offer a consistent image to the hiring manager. It also allows the hiring manager to quickly access your contact information on every document.
Section headings are titles you assign to different areas of your résumé. For example, your employment section will have one heading. Your education and community activities sections will have their own headings.
Section headings are extremely important. A section name influences how the hiring manager perceives the information within the heading. If you use an objective statement as your first section heading, you communicate your needs to the hiring manager. You are saying to the hiring manager, "My objective is to get a job."
If your first section is a summary of qualifications, your section heading communicates the value you offer the hiring manager. You focus the reader on the ways you will meet the company's needs. This heading also tells the hiring manager you are indeed "qualified" for the position. You summarize the qualifications that will be explained in detail in the remainder of the résumé.
A summary of qualifications should be confined to three high-impact statements.
The first statement should highlight your years of experience in the profession and industry.
The second statement should identify the areas of expertise you want to emphasize.
The third statement should identify personal attributes that are important to the role and company.
Example:
Summary of Qualifications
Offers more than 10 years of progressive advancement in the manufacturing industry, serving as an operations executive. Demonstrates a proven record of success in leading as many as 250 associates, streamlining business processes, and managing multiple projects delivered on time and within budget. Possesses exceptional communication skills and the ability to develop high-performance teams.
While "Summary of Qualifications" is the best section heading to begin your résumé, there are several exceptions to the rule. If you fall into one of these exceptions, then you need to consider beginning your résumé with an objective statement.
Exception 1: Clarity. If you are making a transition by applying for a position that diverges from your past experience, an objective statement is needed, since your skills are not an obvious or solid match for the position. Use the objective statement to clarify your interest in the position and show that your skills are transferable.
Exception 2: Intent. If you do not use a cover letter to introduce your purpose in sending the résumé, an objective statement is appropriate. The objective statement communicates the purpose of your résumé. In this circumstance, the objective should be very direct and specific to the prospective company and position.
Additional section headings that are useful in constructing a résumé that communicates value to a hiring manager include:
These sections follow your summary of qualifications. They emphasize specific strengths you have developed throughout your career. These sections provide an opportunity to bring special attention to experiences that are most relevant to the hiring manager, regardless of when and where they occurred.
For example, if you want to convey that your experience as a leader is a key asset even though your leadership experience has been in a different industry, you can emphasize this in a leadership experience section. This way, the hiring manager focuses on your leadership qualifications first before reading about it later in the context of the industry.
Be careful not to give too much information in this section. For example, if you create an areas of expertise section, ideally confine your expertise to four areas and not more than six areas. Listing too many areas dilutes the depth of expertise. The same holds true for accomplishments and achievements. Focus the hiring manager's attention on your most important accomplishments by creating three strong statements.
Select a high-impact section heading for your employment section. Do not use "Employment History" or "Work Experience." These headings are vague and generic. The terms employment and work define virtually every type of job available, from soda jerk or paperboy to corporate CEO or marketing director.
Instead, create a compelling section heading that optimizes your experience. The following section headings are appropriate for professional résumés. They communicate a career path, versus a series of jobs.
Now you are ready to arrange the most important information at the top left of the page and least important information at the bottom right. Start with what is most compelling to the hiring manager. Begin with your professional title or your industry and company name. Then list the location and your dates of employment to the right.
Example:
Marketing Director
XYZ Industries, Atlanta, Georgia June 1992-June 2002
Résumé Length
There are differing opinions regarding the appropriate length of a résumé. The general rule regarding résumé length is:
However, this rule can vary depending on your circumstances. For example, say you have more than 20 years of professional experience. If the last 5 to 10 years are the most relevant and substantial, then a one-page résumé that highlights this experience may be more appropriate.
This conversation between an author and his editor illustrates why you should pay attention to your résumé length.
Editor: I like your book except for the ending.
Author: What's wrong with the ending?
Editor: It should be closer to the beginning.
More is not better in résumé writing. Your objective is to keep the hiring manager's attention focused on your skills that add immediate value to the company. If you describe every experience and function of your entire career, you risk diverting the focus away from the parts of your résumé that are most important.
Additionally, if you put every single experience on your résumé, you have to be prepared to discuss every single experience in the interview. As a result, your interview will be more difficult to prepare for and you run the risk of being asked about experiences that are not relevant to the position. You may be perceived as "not a good fit" because, based on your résumé, the hiring manager asked about the wrong skill, rather than what was needed for that particular position.
Résumé Content
Transform your résumé from a description of job functions to a series of accomplishment statements that are of interest to the hiring manager. To do this, read your job function statements and ask yourself:
The answers to these questions are typically the most important elements of the résumé to the hiring manager and need to be communicated clearly.
Reprinted from: The
Play of Your Life: Your Program for Finding the Career of Your Dreams
-- And a Step-by-Step Guide to Making It a Reality by Colleen
A. Sabatino © 2004 Rodale Inc. Permission granted by Rodale,
Inc. visit www.writtenvoices.com
Over time the boy observes that the man does not laugh or smile and has no desires or joy in life. He asks about it, and eventually learns that the man was attacked by some evil elves who stole his soul, and that is why he is unable to feel any joy or move from this spot.
The story tells how the boy fights a musical duel with the elves and eventually outwits them. He wins back his father's soul, which the elves have imprisoned in a bottle, and brings it home to him. The father and son celebrate the recovery of the father's soul by dancing for joy all night, and at the breaking of dawn the father asks "How can I ever repay you?" And the boy answers, "By letting me remain your son for ever."
I tell you this story because I think it illustrates the situation with men today. No matter what our outward accomplishments, in many ways we feel like orphaned boys, wandering alone in the woods at night. 'Orphaned' means that we do not feel nourished and supported by our ancestors. 'Alone' means cut off from our families and community and other men. 'Wandering in the woods at night' means that we are trying to find our way through life without a map or a path, without a sense of where we are or where we are going. And 'boy' means without initiation into manhood and connection to something larger than ourselves.
The story also tells us the source of the problem: our fathers have lost their souls, their ability to feel the joy and desire that moves them towards what they love. We're even told one place to look for our father's soul: in a bottle. (As the son of an alcoholic father, I almost fell off my chair when I read that one.) And finally the story tells us what we must do: we must find and bring back the male soul so we can reconnect with our fathers and become complete men ourselves.
It would be easy to dismiss this as 'just a story' if the same pattern of male isolation were not showing up in national studies. One study found that while 87% of women have a female best friend, only 7% of men have a male best friend. Another study found that 2/3 of men have no best friend at all, and that of the 1/3 that do, most of those best friends are women. Both studies defined a 'best friend' as some one you can talk to about personal problems. Other studies revealed that only about 1% of men had a close relationship with their fathers.
As someone who has led men's groups for over 10 years, I would say that this sense of isolation is the biggest problem men face today. And underneath the disconnection from others -- and causing it -- is an inner disconnection, a disconnection from our own inner experience, from our own souls.
Causes
How did this situation arise? There are many interlocking causes, but we can explore a few.
Before the Industrial Revolution, most work was done in or near the home and it was done by everyone -- men, women, and children. Various tasks were the province of one or the other gender, but since all work was done by hand and no one was paid, it was all seen as about equally valuable. Children worked alongside adults and had time to absorb not only how to do the job, but how to be an adult man or woman in their community.
The Industrial Revolution changed all that. Much of the work of men was moved out of the home and into factories. This separated men from their families for most of the day, and changed the basic divisions of labor in the home. Whereas child-rearing had previously been shared by all the adults in the home, it now became the domain of women. Women ruled the home and child-rearing, and men ruled the outside world.
It also turned labor into a commodity, in that its value was now determined by the amount paid for it. Since men's work in the factory earned a wage, it came to be seen as more valuable than women's work in the home, which didn't. Men's status went up; women's and children's status went down. Women and children became even more closely connected emotionally, while men became more emotionally isolated. And it derailed the process by which boys develop their feeling life and mature into men. To understand this, we'll have to look at how children become adults and at the effects on that process of being mother-reared.
Being mother-reared. First, remember that children need help learning about their feelings. They need adults to name for them what they're feeling ("you seem angry", "you look scared"), and they need to see adults having a feeling life so they can see how it works. The fact that each of us modeled our own feeling life on that of our parents becomes obvious every time we find ourselves reacting just like they did, despite having promised ourselves that we wouldn't.
Now consider the possibility that there might be two different forms of adult feeling life -- a male form and a female form -- and that these forms are passed down from father to son and mother to daughter. What happens when the men are no longer involved in child-rearing and it is all done by the women? Quite simply, the girls are taught by their mothers how to have a female feeling life, but the boys are not taught by their fathers how to have a male feeling life. A boy may learn the female form from his mother, but it will never quite fit for him or seem indigenous to his masculinity. Over the generations, the male feeling life gradually dies out until we arrive at the situation today, in which most of the men are undeveloped emotionally or even numb, and society believes that feeling itself is inherently feminine.
As infants, we form our sense of identity through our relationships with the adults around us. A little girl says to herself, "I know who I am, I'm just like Mom." Both her personal security and her gender identity are reinforced by being close to Mom. Dependency on Mom is okay because she and Mom are similar. All she has to do is wait and someday she'll be a Mom, too.
For a little boy, the story is quite different. As an infant, he needs his mother just as much as a girl does, but to establish himself in a masculine identity, he needs to shift his attachment to his father. If his father is physically close and available, all goes well. But if there is no man to attach to, the boy has a problem. He has to identify himself by differentness instead of by sameness. He has to look for security in separateness and distance instead of in closeness. Dependency on Mom becomes a threat to his maleness, and he is constantly torn between his personal need for closeness and his gender-identity need for separateness and independence. This creates an unresolvable anxiety in him and to cope with it he begins to shut down his feelings and go numb inside.
Effects on Men
Shame. The boy doesn't know that the whole child-rearing process is flawed. He only knows that his Dad is distant. He wonders, "Why doesn't Dad love me?" If he decides it's because "I'm bad," he will conclude "I hate myself." If he decides that "Dad is bad," he will progress to "I hate Dad," thence to "I hate men," and again arrive at "I hate myself."
And underneath it all he will long for his father and for his father's love. This longing will probably be denied and hidden under anger or indifference, but the size of the anger or indifference testifies to the size of the longing. He will decide that his father or masculinity itself is flawed in some way, that it is not lovable or trustworthy. He will feel shame around his maleness and may need to attack it in others or defend it in himself. He will feel anxious about whether he is a 'real man'.
Isolation. In order to keep these feelings repressed, he will have to isolate himself emotionally. He will develop 'The Wall.'
If he lets a woman close, it throws him back into the fear that closeness with Mom will erode his masculinity. To cope with this fear, he has to control the woman and/or his feelings. Much of men's violence towards women arises from this dilemma.
If he lets a man close, it re-stimulates his longing for Dad and all the shame, despair, fear, and anger associated with it. These feelings are generally even stronger than men's fear of being close to women, and are a main source of men's enormous fear of love between men (homophobia), and of the violence used to suppress it.
Sex becomes the only way to feel close to someone, so his desires for intimacy become sexualized. Since his heart is blocked, the energy of the heart gets shunted into the sexual channel. When he wants to be held or loved, he thinks he wants sex. This makes sex seem very important, but it also makes it unsatisfying to the extent that it is being used as a substitute for something else. So he keeps thinking that he needs more: more sex, more variety, more partners . . . It also makes him fear intimacy with other men, because he thinks feeling close means he wants to have sex with them.
Stunted feeling life. Since much of his feeling life has been shut down, it has not had a chance to develop and mature. No one ever showed him what a mature male feeling life looks like, so he has no model to help him figure it out. He tends to distrust and devalue his own inner experience and substitute thinking for feeling. This causes his behavior to be overly rational and controlled, but punctuated by eruptions of raw, undigested emotion.
The energy of the prohibited emotions (usually fear, hurt, shame, need, love, and joy) gets shunted into the allowed emotions (usually anger, competitiveness, and sexual arousal). For instance, he may not recognize that he feels hurt when his lover disappoints him ("Big boys don't cry"), but only feel the anger that covers the hurt. Or his fear of approaching someone he finds attractive may be expressed as sexual bravado.
Sex and conflict become the main avenues to feel alive and engaged with others. He may engage in them passionately, but he will try to keep them from becoming too personal. He will more easily commit himself to an abstraction, such as a team or an idea, than to a personal relationship.
Solutions
So we see that the main root of all this trouble is the separation of fathers from their children, especially their sons. From that comes the disappearance of the male feeling life and generations of men who are increasingly shut down and isolated. What can we do to heal these wounds and resurrect male feeling life? The main thing we can do is to help men re-connect with their own inner experience and with other men.
Any situation that puts a man in the company of other men and supports his emotional openness can be helpful. But, for most men, the internal walls are high and hard to breach. Often the unconscious prohibitions on vulnerability will sabotage his attempts to open up. To overcome this, he needs the support of a sustained, conscious attention from outside. For many men, the most effective approach is to join a men's group or work one-on-one with a male therapist. Here, there is an explicit intention to tell yourself the truth, and the support required to do so.
In a men's group, a man gets to watch as other men work with their own feeling life. He gets to see how they do it, what works and what doesn't. He can try on new behaviors and see what fits. He can ask for feedback on how he comes across or on how to handle a particular situation. He can discover that he is not bad or broken.
In the context of a male community, he can discover that closeness and connection actually reinforce his masculinity, rather than diminish it. He can explore his feelings and learn to work with them skillfully. But most of all, he can experience being held and supported by a masculine love. This is the blessing that boys need as they develop into men.
I have seen again and again in my groups that as a man receives this blessing and his wounds heal, his feeling life blossoms. He experiences himself as more full and alive. He becomes generous and begins to nurture those around him, both inside and outside of the group. He becomes a more active and involved father and often a coach, mentor, scoutmaster, or the like. His intimate relationships become deeper and stronger as he begins to relish intimacy rather than retreat from it.
As more and more men develop this way, we will see fathering come back into vogue. Indeed, we have already seen good-father images reappearing in movies and advertising, and recently also in social and political debate.
The women's movement has made great strides in reclaiming power as a feminine attribute. I applaud them for it. Now it is time for the men to reclaim feeling as a masculine attribute. We will know we have succeeded when sons everywhere see their fathers dancing for joy.
© 1996 Steven Kessler. The fairy tale
mentioned is called "Mogarzea and his Son" and can be found in Andrew
Lang's Violet Fairy Book. Steven Kessler is a psychotherapist in
Albany, CA who has been leading men's groups since 1984.
EFTTherapyCenter.com
or eMail
We similarly justify disproportionate spending on women. If women are not proportionately represented in the boardroom and only earn 80 cents on the dollar—even if it’s because, of their own choice, they don’t want to work long hours--advocacy groups, through their mouthpieces in the media, decry the situation and promulgate an endless series of efforts to help women, usually at the expense of men.
So, it would only seem fair that when men have a deficit, they get disproportionate attention. What’s that deficit? A crucial one: how long they live. Men die six years sooner than women. There are more than four widows for every widower!
So, it would only seem fair that more health research and health education dollars be spent on men than on women. Yet in the budget of every federal health agency, more money is spent on women’s health than on men’s. There are seven federal health agencies specifically for women. Not one for men. 39 of the 50 states have an office of women’s health, only six have one for men. A search of more than 3,000 medical journals listed in Index Medicus found that 23 articles were written on women’s health for each one written on men’s. Although a woman is only 14 percent more likely to die from breast cancer than a man is from prostate cancer, funding for breast cancer research is 660 percent greater than funding for prostate cancer research. Even the post office has gotten into the act: there is only one disease for which you can buy a postage stamp and the profits will go to research to cure the disease: breast cancer, even though heart disease kills millions more men prematurely. !
Before the age of 65, men die of heart attacks at three times the rate of women.
The bias against men is not limited to government-funded efforts. Even though men die younger, and men’s last decade is spent in worse health than women’s, most media and private sector attention goes to women’s health: features on menopause on CNN, articles on osteoporosis in the Kaiser Permanente newsletter, and nonstop corporate-sponsored fundraisers for breast cancer: runs for breast cancer, walks for breast cancer, even go to an A’s game for breast cancer. Baseball, a game played by and watched primarily by men, has a Breast Cancer Day, but not a Heart Attack Day, even though millions more people—primarily men—die prematurely of heart disease. Yet when the media pays attention to heart disease, most of it is focused on women, even though women get heart disease long after the average man is dead.
Feminists and other liberals offer excuses such as, “Men got most of the research money in the past. Let’s even the score.” The implication is that researchers were only interested in making men healthy. The real reason men were overrepresented among medical research subjects was because few women would volunteer for the often dangerous trials. As a result, most research was done on volunteers from prison or the military, the vast majority of whom were men. And did men inadvertently benefit? Men still live six years shorter than women, a gap that, over the past four decades, has decreased by just one year.
Another feminist excuse for the underspending on men’s health is, “Men just need to organize like we women do.” I don’t hear women making that argument to other groups. Could you imagine feminists responding to African-Americans’ concerns about lack of funding with, “Blacks just need to organize like we women do?”
Most often, feminists and other liberals justify underspending on men’s health by blaming men themselves for their early demise: “If they only saw their doctor more often.” Fact is, far more potent than doctor visits in staving off the major killers (cardiovascular disease, cancer, and diabetes) are avoiding overweight and not smoking. Yet women, not men, have higher rates of obesity and smoking. Despite that, I don’t hear feminists or liberals saying, “It’s women’s own fault. Let’s not fund research on women and heart disease, cancer, and diabetes.” They want ever more money spent on women’s health. Nor do liberals say, “AIDS is caused by careless behavior so we shouldn’t spend money on AIDS.”
Only when straight men are involved, do the liberals sound like conservatives, telling men to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. With women, gays and minorities, the message is, “It takes a village.”
A fair society cannot have it both ways. It either needs to decide to allocate resources based on deficits or spend in proportion to the population: men 49% and women 51%, minorities 25% and whites 75%, heterosexuals 98% and homosexuals 2%. A double standard that hurts straight men is grossly unfair.
Source: Marty Nemko holds a PhD from the University of California, Berkeley, and subsequently taught in Berkeley’s Graduate School of Education. He is the worklife columnist in the Sunday San Francisco Chronicle and is the producer and host of Work With Marty Nemko, heard Sundays at 11 on 91.7 FM in San Francisco, and worldwide on www.martynemko.com Good Résumé versus Great Résumé
A good résumé is a glorified application. This type of résumé explains to the hiring manager the following information in this order: dates of employment, companies, titles held, and job functions. It concludes with when and where you received your education. It is good because the hiring manager can get a clear summation of your past experience and education.
A great résumé is a marketing brochure. This résumé highlights the scope and depth of your experience. It describes the expertise you have developed throughout your career that relates to your future employer's needs. A great résumé communicates a compelling reason for the prospective employer to need and want your services.
Good résumés identify where you went to school, the jobs you have had, and your responsibility in those jobs. Great résumés extract the relevant accomplishments from your past experiences and highlight them. This prompts the interviewer to ask about them with the future in mind.
Great résumés also pave the way for great interviews. A well-crafted résumé will prompt the interviewer to target specific areas that are most relevant to the open position. A résumé that lists everything you have ever done requires you to be prepared to talk about all these things in an interview. It is difficult to prepare for such an extensive interview and can lead the interview astray.
Create a Great Résumé
Once you have adopted a future-focused orientation, you are ready to create your résumé. The presentation of your information, the layout, and the language you use to communicate value are extremely important. There are only two things you can be sure a hiring manager will do when reviewing your résumé: (1) Hiring managers will begin reviewing a résumé by starting at the top, and they will read the lines from left to right. (2) Their first impression will have the greatest impact and will influence how they perceive you. It creates the lens through which all other information is filtered.
Based on these principles, it is essential that the most relevant, important information be presented at the top and along the left side of your résumé. The least important information should be at the bottom and along the right side.
Résumé Format
In order to transform your résumé from a good résumé to a great résumé, concentrate on using your layout and language most effectively. Here's how.
Headings
The main heading is where you provide contact information for the hiring managers. Your main heading lets them know who you are and where you can be reached. This section should be designed like a professional letterhead. Résumés are formal documents, so you should not use abbreviations here.
Example:
Fran C. Smith
1153 Terry Avenue
Atlanta, Georgia 30306
francsmith@aol.com
404-555-1234
The main heading highlights your name and provides the contact information on one line, followed by a divider line. This format saves space that can be dedicated to communicating more of your strengths. Notice that it is not necessary to label the phone number or e-mail address; these items are understood. Be as concise as possible.
Use the same heading on your references page, cover letters, and thank-you letters. By creating a professional-looking letterhead, you offer a consistent image to the hiring manager. It also allows the hiring manager to quickly access your contact information on every document.
Section headings are titles you assign to different areas of your résumé. For example, your employment section will have one heading. Your education and community activities sections will have their own headings.
Section headings are extremely important. A section name influences how the hiring manager perceives the information within the heading. If you use an objective statement as your first section heading, you communicate your needs to the hiring manager. You are saying to the hiring manager, "My objective is to get a job."
If your first section is a summary of qualifications, your section heading communicates the value you offer the hiring manager. You focus the reader on the ways you will meet the company's needs. This heading also tells the hiring manager you are indeed "qualified" for the position. You summarize the qualifications that will be explained in detail in the remainder of the résumé.
A summary of qualifications should be confined to three high-impact statements.
The first statement should highlight your years of experience in the profession and industry.
The second statement should identify the areas of expertise you want to emphasize.
The third statement should identify personal attributes that are important to the role and company.
Example:
Summary of Qualifications
Offers more than 10 years of progressive advancement in the manufacturing industry, serving as an operations executive. Demonstrates a proven record of success in leading as many as 250 associates, streamlining business processes, and managing multiple projects delivered on time and within budget. Possesses exceptional communication skills and the ability to develop high-performance teams.
While "Summary of Qualifications" is the best section heading to begin your résumé, there are several exceptions to the rule. If you fall into one of these exceptions, then you need to consider beginning your résumé with an objective statement.
Exception 1: Clarity. If you are making a transition by applying for a position that diverges from your past experience, an objective statement is needed, since your skills are not an obvious or solid match for the position. Use the objective statement to clarify your interest in the position and show that your skills are transferable.
Exception 2: Intent. If you do not use a cover letter to introduce your purpose in sending the résumé, an objective statement is appropriate. The objective statement communicates the purpose of your résumé. In this circumstance, the objective should be very direct and specific to the prospective company and position.
Additional section headings that are useful in constructing a résumé that communicates value to a hiring manager include:
These sections follow your summary of qualifications. They emphasize specific strengths you have developed throughout your career. These sections provide an opportunity to bring special attention to experiences that are most relevant to the hiring manager, regardless of when and where they occurred.
For example, if you want to convey that your experience as a leader is a key asset even though your leadership experience has been in a different industry, you can emphasize this in a leadership experience section. This way, the hiring manager focuses on your leadership qualifications first before reading about it later in the context of the industry.
Be careful not to give too much information in this section. For example, if you create an areas of expertise section, ideally confine your expertise to four areas and not more than six areas. Listing too many areas dilutes the depth of expertise. The same holds true for accomplishments and achievements. Focus the hiring manager's attention on your most important accomplishments by creating three strong statements.
Select a high-impact section heading for your employment section. Do not use "Employment History" or "Work Experience." These headings are vague and generic. The terms employment and work define virtually every type of job available, from soda jerk or paperboy to corporate CEO or marketing director.
Instead, create a compelling section heading that optimizes your experience. The following section headings are appropriate for professional résumés. They communicate a career path, versus a series of jobs.
Now you are ready to arrange the most important information at the top left of the page and least important information at the bottom right. Start with what is most compelling to the hiring manager. Begin with your professional title or your industry and company name. Then list the location and your dates of employment to the right.
Example:
Marketing Director
XYZ Industries, Atlanta, Georgia June 1992-June 2002
Résumé Length
There are differing opinions regarding the appropriate length of a résumé. The general rule regarding résumé length is:
However, this rule can vary depending on your circumstances. For example, say you have more than 20 years of professional experience. If the last 5 to 10 years are the most relevant and substantial, then a one-page résumé that highlights this experience may be more appropriate.
This conversation between an author and his editor illustrates why you should pay attention to your résumé length.
Editor: I like your book except for the ending.
Author: What's wrong with the ending?
Editor: It should be closer to the beginning.
More is not better in résumé writing. Your objective is to keep the hiring manager's attention focused on your skills that add immediate value to the company. If you describe every experience and function of your entire career, you risk diverting the focus away from the parts of your résumé that are most important.
Additionally, if you put every single experience on your résumé, you have to be prepared to discuss every single experience in the interview. As a result, your interview will be more difficult to prepare for and you run the risk of being asked about experiences that are not relevant to the position. You may be perceived as "not a good fit" because, based on your résumé, the hiring manager asked about the wrong skill, rather than what was needed for that particular position.
Résumé Content
Transform your résumé from a description of job functions to a series of accomplishment statements that are of interest to the hiring manager. To do this, read your job function statements and ask yourself:
The answers to these questions are typically the most important elements of the résumé to the hiring manager and need to be communicated clearly.
Reprinted from: The
Play of Your Life: Your Program for Finding the Career of Your Dreams
-- And a Step-by-Step Guide to Making It a Reality by Colleen
A. Sabatino © 2004 Rodale Inc. Permission granted by Rodale,
Inc. visit www.writtenvoices.com
400+ of his published writings are available free on that website.
mnemko@earthlink.net
Don't Bite The Hand That Feeds You: Four
Somethings to Keep Romance Alive
What? You claim you’re not a dog? If you’re a man, you’re a dog. You can either accept it or shave your fur, walk on your hind legs, and hide your tail in the waistband of your BVD’s. But, eventually you’ll fall back to all fours, the tail pops out, and you get five o’clock shadow all over your body. If you’ve got an Adam’s Apple, pump testosterone, and can grow facial hair, you’re either a dog or a female guest on “Jerry Springer”.
Okay, let’s be honest. Dogs are not completely oblivious to romance. We’ve all fallen victim to the “R” word. Although we hate to admit it, we dogs have all attempted romance at some point. But, there’s really only two reasons a dog is ever romantic: sex and points.
See, back in the day, when you were courting your woman, you tried to win her with what she wanted... romance. Be it candlelight, a bottle of perfume, or lingerie, you attempted romance for her sake. Why? You did it to land her in bed. Don’t be ashamed. You’re a man, a dog. We’re born this way. It’s out of our control. And, women know this. It’s a trade off, romance for sex.
The other reason we dogs ever take a dip in the pool of romance is to accumulate points that will keep us out of the proverbial doghouse when we inevitably mess up. Example; you do something romantic (buy her a bouquet of flowers) so that you can store those romance points for later. Then, when you pull a “dog maneuver” (forget her birthday or something else a woman finds incredibly important), she hits your behind with a rolled up newspaper and yells, “No, bad dog!” But you smooth things over by reminding her of the bouquet. This keeps you dog-house-free for another day, which means you’ve got your place back in bed for another night. And, that, of course, means there’s the possibility of finding yourself in the throes of hanky-panky, and we’re right back to where we started... sex.
Assuming you’ve been with your woman awhile, the courting stage has probably passed. Romance is long gone, honeymoon’s over. I don’t care if you’ve been with her six months, six years, or six decades, sex is still a priority, isn’t it? Keep this in mind, though... romance is still a priority for her. And, as we know, her romance is the catalyst to our sex. Therefore, if you want more “romping”, you gotta get with the romance program.
There are quite literally thousands of ways to display your romantic prowess with a woman, but they can all be categorized into four simple “somethings”: Remember Something, Write Something, Play Something, and Do Something.
Remember Something
God, it’s incredible, but women actually expect us to remember the most ludicrous and trivial bits of their lives, like their birthdays or anniversaries. Give me a break! What do they think we are, calendars with beards? We’ve got other things occupying our precious gray matter (the time of the game next weekend and whether to mow the front or back lawn next). But, if it will make them happy, if giving them the impression that we’ve remembered a couple of things about them counts as romance, might as well toss them this bone.
There are hundreds (maybe thousands) of things women would love for us to know, but they’ll be satisfied if we can pull off these few.
You need to remember her favorite:
Also remember:
Get this information. Write it down. And, make four copies. Keep the copies in your wallet, your car’s glove box, your night stand, and a safe deposit box.
Write Something
Instead of just saying something warm and eloquent to your woman, write it down and give it to her. Spoken words are gone the moment they’re blurted out, but if they’re written, they can last forever, and women are pack-rats when it comes to saving romantic stuff. This works to our benefit, because once the words are on paper, they can always be referred to, keeping us from visiting Fido.
What you write doesn’t have to be an Elizabethan sonnet. She probably doesn’t expect much from you. Just write her a love letter telling her you’re thinking of her and how lucky you are that she’s in your life yadda, yadda, yadda. If you’re feeling daring, attempt a simple poem (avoid “roses are red...”, over-done). Four or six rhyming lines is fine.
Can’t write to save your life? Borrow some poetry. Here are a couple you can rewrite and sign your name to:
Guess who At least there’s one good thing
Love you To look forward to when it comes
It’s true to growing old.
I do! We’re gonna do it together.
I know, not of the highest caliber, but if you’re a beginner use these or check out a poetry book from the library and utilize the words of another poet. What? You wouldn’t be caught dead with a poetry book? You don’t even own a library card? Then, just pop in some CD’s and write down the lyrics of some appropriate songs. Which leads us to...
Play Something
The right music at the right moment will give your woman tingles in places she had no idea could tingle. Women love romantic music. Watch them during an intimate time. Their entire demeanor changes as the music develops. Appropriate tunes add new levels to a romantic atmosphere, which, in turn, add loads of points for you. Romance = Points = Sex!
There are songs for every occasion. I’ve listed some here, but please do not corner yourself with this limited list. Go through your CD, tape, 8-track, or album collection. Listen to the radio. Keep your ears poised listening to lyrics. If a song works for you, use it.
Some General Romantic Songs
Anniversary Songs
Songs For When You Can’t Be With Her
Songs To Get You Out Of The Doghouse
Songs For The Bedroom
Do Something
Yes, do something. Everybody needs to do something. And, when you do something for her, that something becomes a romantic something. To “do” takes effort, and to women effort is often even more romantic than the end result. And, that something doesn’t even need to be complicated or extravagant.
You plan on wishing her a happy birthday? Call the radio station she listens to and announce your wish on air. Want to give her a gift on Valentine’s Day? Hide it and make a treasure hunt of it.
A birthday wish becomes a public display of affection. A Valentine’s gift becomes a romantic event. Just putting out some creative effort will definitely pay off between the sheets later. You can come up with dozens of these ideas, but I’m leaving you with a couple to get you started:
On her birthday send her folks a thank-you card for what they brought into this world (however many) years ago. Don’t tell your woman you’re doing this. Trust me, word will get to her. Tell her folks she’s the greatest thing since screw-off beer bottle tops and you need to thank them for her.
Simple, yet incredibly affective.
Give your woman a sealed envelope that reads: Don’t open until you get to (put an address here). Arrive between (put the hours here).
The address is that of some store you’re sending her to. Don’t mention the store’s name! This adds a bit of curiosity to the adventure. The hours you’ll list are the times the store doors will be open. Inside the envelope put a gift certificate or enough cash for something you know your woman wants at that particular store.
Inside the envelope stick a note along these lines:
Welcome to (store name),
I know they carry (the item she wants) that you really want. Along with this note you should find (amount of cash or gift certificate) sufficient enough to pay for (the item). I hope you have fun shopping.
Women love to shop. Dogs don’t. This is perfect. You give her what she wants and you’re not being dragged around a store with her.
Take these four “somethings” and expand upon them. Be creative, be original, but most of all be romantic. If you want more guidance, there are scores of sites on the internet. A few I recommend are
These sites offer more poem, love letter, gift and getaway ideas, as well as advice on romance, relationships and sex. Also, check out books written by Laura Corn. They’ll satisfy both you and your woman. Corn teaches romance through sexual relations.
Give your woman what she wants. You’ll get what you need. It’s been said that “Dog is man’s best friend.” Be sure that Dog is your woman’s best friend, too. Don’t bite. Don’t shed. Pee on the newspaper. And, always stay out of the doghouse. Ruff!
About the Author: Leon Lewandowski is the author
of Out of the Doghouse: A Man’s Secret Survival Guide to
Romance. He and his wife of over ten years are planning romance
workshops for men, women, and couples. Feel free to respond to this
article, request last minute romance advice, or ask about upcoming
events at info@doghousefree.com
or DogHousefree.com
19 Things that it Took Me 50 Years to
Learn
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Source: Dave Barry
Here is an example of how a “best wishing hour” works:
Joan recently bought a condominium and is throwing a house-warming party. A mid-level corporate executive, Joan has invited co-workers, friends, and relatives. There is a bittersweet quality to the celebration. Twice divorced, Joan would prefer to live with a husband and children in a house in the suburbs.
- Half way through the party, when almost all the guests are present, Joan’s co-worker Larry clinks on his glass to get everyone’s attention. He says: “I just want to take this opportunity to express to you, Joan, how much I enjoy working with you. I admire your whole-hearted dedication to the company, and your perseverance in getting the job done, even when that requires extra hours that nobody else wants to put in. Even when we don’t agree, you have the truly wonderful quality of putting the good of the company ahead of your own ideas, and admitting that I’m right! (laughter) Seriously, in terms of putting the company first you are truly a role model for me. I hope that your new home will be the setting for many happy times for you. May you enjoy only good health and much personal fulfillment in this lovely apartment.”
- Mary takes the next turn. “If I may add my two cents. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Joan’s sister. I happen to know that this house-warming is the fulfillment of a dream Joan has cherished for years - to own her own house. Joan is someone who not only dreams, but who actualizes her dreams, with hard work and energy and an optimistic outlook. Joan has always inspired me with her ability keep moving forward, even when it hasn’t been easy. And it hasn’t always been easy. Whenever she falls down, Joan manages to pick herself up, brush herself off, and keep trekking, and that’s an amazing quality.(applause) My wish for you, Joan, may sound strange, but here it is: I wish that within the year you’ll meet your true life’s partner, get married, sell this condo at a big profit, and buy a house in the suburbs, which you’ll fill with rowdy kids, like you and I were!”
- Olivia, a friend, speaks next: “I want to mention how beautifully you’ve decorated this apartment with so many of your hand-made touches. Most of you may not realize it, but Joan made the silk flower arrangements on the dining room table and on the shelf in the kitchen. (exclamations of “beautiful” and “wow”) Something else you may not know is that Joan bought all her tablecloths and curtains at the local institute for the handicapped. She is such a devoted advocate of that place that she got me to buy $200 worth of stuff there that I didn’t even need! (laughter) My wish for you, Joan, is that this condo may be a quiet place where you can regenerate and regroup after your very exhausting work day. And may it often be filled with people who love you, as it is tonight.
Things to Keep In Mind When Toasting Your Host
Notice the essential elements of each set of remarks:
1. Express appreciation for the person’s unique qualities. Be specific. “You’re a great guy,” is a meaningless compliment. Focus in on the person’s own positive attributes, even if it takes a few minutes of thought to realize what they are. Words heal only if they come from the heart. Forget generic compliments.
2. Wish the person well in the specific way that applies to him or her. Again, forget generic wishes that you could have copied off a Hallmark card. For elderly parents celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary, wishes for health and long life together are most appropriate. For a 30th birthday party, wishes for the birthday boy to actualize his potential according to his own specific interests and talents is a much better wish than a vague, “Many happy returns of the day!”
3. Let the person know how much you love and admire him or her. We
all need to hear words of encouragement. Such words are the greatest
gift you can bring to the party.
Source: WordsCanHeal.org
Prostate Cancer Awareness Month
Why the debate? Prostate cancer screening saves lives
Prostate cancer is the most commonly diagnosed malignancy in American men. It is curable if diagnosed early. Early detection is the key.
About 30,000 men will die from it this year alone and one out of every 18 of those deaths will be of a Pennsylvania resident, ranking the state fifth in both of prostate cancer incidence and deaths. That's why Pittsburghers over 45 don't need another excuse to avoid taking care of their health.
But the argument against the use of the prostate specific antigen blood test for detecting prostate cancer has provided that excuse -- pitting public health officials and primary care physicians, who claim there is no evidence of PSA success beyond a reasonable doubt, against many urologists who ask why a 27 percent decline in prostate cancer mortalities in the past five years isn't evidence enough.
Despite American Cancer Society and American Urological Association guidelines that encourage doctors to offer a PSA test and a digital rectal exam while discussing the risks of the disease, too many doctors lean toward discouraging the test, focusing on misplaced convictions that the test discovers insignificant tumors and that it doesn't save lives.
Physicians who have deferred or waffled on PSA testing are losing their licenses and seeing their malpractice insurance carriers pay out millions of dollars to bereaved families.
In a November 2001 wrongful death suit, a widow was awarded $3 million in a case in which the doctor in question "did not tell the patient about [the high PSA level] or recommend further testing or follow up visits."
A study at Long Beach Community Cancer Center of 48 such prostate cancer malpractice cases determined that, of the 22 awards totaling over $8.4 million, roughly $7.5 million "could have been avoided if PSA screening and diagnostic guidelines . . . had been followed."
These cases have become legal benchmarks as the PSA debate has moved from the doctor's office into the courthouse. They should come as a warning to science and public health policy officials across the country: If you continue to delay a decision on PSA, lawyers and lawmakers will make it for you.
Urologists will tell you that, despite imperfections, the PSA test has changed the prostate cancer diagnostic landscape. Before it, nearly three out of four men diagnosed with the disease were in the late stages -- when prostate cancer is neither readily treatable nor curable. The advent of screening has inverted that statistic, giving men a fighting chance. Regional studies support that early detection reduces mortality. One study in Austria shows that prostate cancer mortalities were markedly reduced with widespread PSA screening.
Even though newer blood tests help clarify the likelihood of cancer when PSA is abnormal, we still need more research to determine better models for early detection. But should we doom the thousands of men who could die waiting up to 14 years for the results of a randomized trial to determine "perfect intelligence" on the PSA? With so many lives in the balance, how much evidence do we need to convince us that prostate cancer is our enemy, not the test that so often detects it in time to permit a cure?
Men over the age of 50 -- and even younger if they are at higher risk of prostate cancer (African Americans and men with family histories of the disease) should "get on with it." Set aside the excuses and resolve to be tested every year.
Source: Carl Frankel, an advocate for the National
Prostate Cancer Coalition, is retired general counsel for the United
Steel Workers of America and a prostate cancer survivor. He lives in
Point Breeze. www.post-gazette.com/healthscience/20020611hprostate4.asp
A Zentrepreneur is someone who risks letting go of preconceived notions in order to deepen their knowledge of self - and beyond.. But more than that, a Zentrepreneur is someone who has made his or her own life noble and rich beyond counting by simply living a dream defined. While an entrepreneur creates a business, a Zentrepreneur creates a business and a life.
Once you find a passionate interest, it hits you, permeates your mind. It creates a continuous array of bright spots, an elation and excitement that can absolutely, positively, one hundred percent, provide you with the most important tool you will need to achieve success. Passion provides you with the best possible odds to successfully catch and live your dream.
The importance of risk-taking is not what you may get from taking a risk, but rather what you become because of taking it.Embrace risk-taking as an opportunity to see and appreciate possibilities.
It is more important to know what you should not be doing in life than to know what you should be doing.
Focus on who you are and what you are capable of, resisting the strong pressure from family and friends and the self-imposed limits that may prevent you from opportunities for personal fulfillment and achievement. Eliminate the things you are tolerating and that are draining your energy. Stop putting up with what's dragging you down.
Putting your goals in writing makes them real. By clearly identifying what you want, both your conscious and subconscious mind will adjust your thinking process, regarding the written message as a focus and not merely a daydream..By writing down your goals you create a contract with yourself, documenting and increasing your personal commitment to shaping and defining them.
Failure is the lubricant of success.it is an essential building block needed to succeed. And how you handle failure is the single hardest battle you must face in accomplishing your dream.
A Zentrepreneur knows that to move on, sometimes the best light for the journey can be the result of a burning bridge.
Zentrepreneurs value their humanity and strive to be spirits of compassion, giving of themselves freely and without hesitation. .Giving of your wisdom, value and service to others is like casting a pebble into the water. After the brevity of its drop, the ripples of energy continue to extend endlessly outward and in due course return to the Zentrepreneur's heart and soul manyfold.
Source: by Ron Rubin and Stuart Avery Gold authors
of Wowisms:
Words of wisdom for dreamers and
doers. Excerpted from SUCCESS
AT LIFE: How To Catch and Live Your Dream-A Zentrepreneur's Guide.
Copyright (c) 2001 by Ron Rubin and Stuart Avery Gold. Reprinted by
permission of Newmarket Press, 18 East 48 Street, New York, NY 10017,
www.newmarketpress.com
Ron Rubin, the "Minister of Tea," is Chairman of the Board of The
Republic of Tea. He keeps a permanent residence in Clayton, Missouri.
Stuart Avery Gold, the "Minister of Travel," is COO and the lauded
"editorial voice" for the company's Tea Revolution. He resides in
Boca Raton, Florida. For more information, please visit
www.Zentrepreneurs.com
Tips for Nourishing a Sex-Starved Marriage
Too often people just stick their heads in the sand, hoping the problems between them will just disappear. If you do this, the only thing that will disappear is your intimacy and friendship. You need to face the issue and do something about it.
Many people avoid taking action because they're embarrassed about low sexual desire. This is especially true for men. Low sexual desire in men is America's best kept secret. Millions of men, just like millions of women, aren't always in the mood for sex. And it's not always a matter of sexual performance problems. Men avoid sex for many of the same reasons women do. Frequently, relationship issues are major libido busters. But since men aren't talking, they're also not seeking help. There's another problem with the lack of openness about male low desire. Since no one is talking, the women in these marriages wonder, "What's wrong with me,?" "I'm the only woman in the world whose husband isn't chasing her around the living. I must be unattractive or unlovable." Get help
2] Quit playing the Blame Game
You need to stop blaming each other for being different. It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements to insure a healthy sex life. The only way you can really screw up is to tell your more sexual spouse, "It's your problem, deal with it." A sexual desire gap is a couple's problem and both spouses need to change.
For the more sexual spouse:
a) Tune into your spouse's turn-on's
Too often more sexual spouses do what turns them on, not their spouses. They buy sex toys, sex movies, and lingerie. This frequently backfires because what often turns on the less sexual person are the things that happen outside the bedroom- an offer to get up early with the kids so that the other spouse can sleep in, encouragement to have a guy's weekend away to relieve stress. Do what turns your spouse on, not you.
b) Use the "F-word"
Talk about feelings. Because the more sexual spouse feels angry and resentful, they often don't share their true underlying feelings of hurt, despair and loneliness. But doing so often prompts more compassion and empathy.and sexuality.
For the less sexual spouse
a) Use the "Nike Solution"- Just do it.
If you're not in the mood, do it anyway. Millions of people discover that even if they're not in the mood for sex when they start making love, once they get into it, they really and truly enjoy themselves. New research suggests that for half the population, sexual desire doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen. And being receptive to your spouse's advances is often the best way to jumpstart desire.
b) Take the great American sex challenge.
If you haven't been desiring sex because your spouse is irritable
or unkind, it may be because s/he is feeling rejected. Do an
experiment. For two weeks, make a commitment to making sex a bigger
priority. Initiate sex more often, get out of your sweat suits and
into something revealing, leave sexy notes around the house, tell
your spouse how great s/he looks..and watch what happens. You can
transform a marriage through touch and sensuality. I guarantee you
will see remarkable changes in your spouse. Send the results of your
"research" to www.sexstarvedmarriage.com
Source: Michele Weiner Davis is the author of
The
Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage
Libido, The Divorce Remedy, Divorce
Busting, A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man, Change Your Life and
Everyone in It, and In Search of Solutions. A regular guest on Oprah,
48 Hours, the Today show, and CBS This Morning, she created Keeping
Love Alive, a PBS broadcast seminar. An internationally renowned
seminar leader and marriage therapist in private practice, she lives
with her family in Illinois. For more information, please visit
www.sexstarvedmarriage.com
"Eight steps to having the relationships
you want - and to taking control of every situation in your
life!"
What we can choose, though, is which kind of gladiator to be, victor or victim.
Being a victim in this social arena translates into having bad relationships.
Most people are victims - victims of their own perceptions.
That's because people don't develop and listen to their own unique, authentic self. Rather they allow their mental spectators - those little tyrants rattling around in their heads - to tell them second by second how to fight their battles, what they can and cannot do. These tyrants applaud and they hiss, they encourage and they discourage.
These mental spectators are the memories of the judgments of real-life people. For example, it's the memory of your aunt saying, "I hope you marry someone rich, because you're not going far on brains." It's the echo of your father growling, "You've got a back problem - no spine."
And their influence over your relationships can't be overestimated.
Millions of people accept the judgments of their mental spectators as the truth and, therefore, the mediocre results that come from believing those judgments.
With so many people living this way, the question becomes, is this the way I have to live? Fortunately, the answer is not unless you want to.
Once you identify your mental spectators - and your interactions with them - you can move beyond victim and assume the role of victor.
What it takes are eight steps for getting command, eight steps you can apply to most any situation you want altered. You can positively influence your relationships, your employment options, any aspect of your life.
Let's look at the steps.
1. Define What Ails You. Ask, what's my problem? Am I a jealous weasel, troubled that others have what I want? Am I ticked off most of the time? Am I sad and whiney? Anxiety ridden? Moody? All of the above? Without this step, you're doomed. It will take personal courage, but you won't get results without identifying what ails you.
2. Discover the Effects. Ask, how are my problems affecting my life? Am I a lousy parent, a friendless dork, a backstabber, a slut, a drunk, a junkie? Am I none of the above, but someone who is less than I could be? This step requires absolute self-honesty, but the truth will help set you free.
3. Seek the Source. Ask, from where are my problems coming? Who are my real and my mental spectators? What do my mental spectators look like, say, and do? Exactly who or what is keeping me from taking command of my life? This could be one of the most incredible experiences of your life. You will look into the abyss and see who is looking back.
4. Identify Your Role. Ask, how am I contributing to my problems? What is my responsibility in all this? Did I decide to be a garbage disposal? Do I beat myself to death trying to please others? Do I expect things of myself that are unfair? Do I treat myself as a friend or an enemy? Do I allow my mental spectators to drive me to distraction, depression, anger, anxiety? Recognizing your role in your own problems is a positive - but scary - step toward knowing yourself and gaining personal command.
5. State Your Desires. Ask, what do I specifically want to do about my problems? Do I want to be a doormat, a slut, a drunk, a friendless geek? Or do I want to rule my mental spectators? Do I want to stand up to a spectator, real or imagined, who puts me down? Do I want to take command of my education, my bank account, my relationships? Until you can actually list your desires in the order of their importance, you will be a victim. However, once you do this, you are on your way to being a victor.
6. Seek Options. Ask, what are my options, and in what order should I place them? What is the first option I should concentrate on? The second one? The third? If you have a soul-sucking hangover most mornings, you might opt to give up your booze buddies for some real friends. Secondly, take the money you normally spend at bars and deposit it in a college fund for yourself or your kids. If, instead, you're a workaholic and you want to spend more time with your kids, then DO IT. Very few people on their deathbed have said, "If I could live life all over again, I'd spend more of it at work and less with people I love." Choices are involved here, but by weighing options and alternatives, and then making personal choices, you are taking command. Do this and you'll begin to gain real power.
7. Learn Winning Techniques. Ask, how do I rule my real and my mental spectators? Must I collapse in a heap when they point thumbs down? How can I learn to take charge on every level and get a grip on my life? There is no "magic" involved, but you might feel as if there is. Unlike a vanquished gladiator falling at the whim of spectators, you decide your own course.
8. Master Your Relationships. Ask, what more can I do to master my relationships by strengthening myself and my perceptions? How do I take command right now in developing my own identification and self-worth? Congratulations! You're working on the one person in the entire world you can work on - YOU! And any improvements in yourself can't help but enrich your relationships with other people and the world around you.
Although this is only a brief overview of each of the eight steps for jump-starting your relationships and taking control of your life, you'd be amazed at how significant the effects of a few minor adjustments in perception can be.
Source: Terry Rich Hartley, Ph.D. is a social
psychologist, a scientist, and the author of Tyrants of
Self-Concept: Ruling the Rulers, a 125-page ebook that thoroughly
describes the eight steps for improving your relationships, taking
control of your life, and living the life you want to live. It
includes easy-to-relate-to stories, examples, humor, and concrete,
practical worksheets and exercises that get results fast. To learn
more about how you can apply the steps, click here: www.rulingtherulers.com
A: Even as a college gymnast I enoyed teaching. No matter what I learned, only one person benefitted; when I taught, many could benefit. I was later appointed Director of Gymnastics at Stanford University, then served as a professor at Oberlin College, where I studied the fundamental qualities that developed a talent for sport, such as strength, suppleness, stamina, and sensitivity (coordination, rhythm, timing, balance, reflex speed). Later, my curiosity took me to the larger "arena" of daily life. I began an inquiry into the fundamental qualities that develop a talent not for sport, but for life.
Q: You write in "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" that you had an injury once and healed quickly on a vegetarian diet.What does your diet consist of before high intensity competitive events?
A: As it happened, after my right thigh bone was shattered into about 40 fragments in a motorcycle collision, and shifted to a vegetarian diet, my physician and coach were equally concerned. Yet I trained hard to recover, felt extremely healthy, and became one of the strongest gymnasts in the nation. The fuller account I describe in "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" is essentially accurate. Today, thirty years later, my old coach now tells me he's eating less meat! Still, no one diet is right for all people. We each need to experiment, pay attention, and trust my instincts.
Q: Who is your strongest inspiration in sports? In spirituality? And what activity do you find intellectually most stimulating?
I do not have a single strongest inspiration either in sports or spirituality; rather, I find moments of inspiration in many people. But I would have to say that my primary teacher of sports, of spirituality, of life, has always been God, revealing all necessary lessons in the world of nature and in the school of daily life. I believe I convey these lessons most clearly in a little book called "The Laws of Spirit" a parable in which a woman sage teaches me twelve laws for living up in the wilderness.
Being a teacher, lecturer, workshop leader and having worked with many people. And having been asked many questions about life. What do you see as the hardest thing for people to do or to understand?
A: We know much, but bringing what we know is highest and best into everyday life - acting in line with our inner wisdom, is always a great challenge. It may take ten years to embody what we have learned. I emphasize, however, that even small actions can make a big difference. A little bit of something seems better than a lot of nothing. Also, I believe we need to trust the divine spirit within each of us, in our hearts, and to trust the process of our life unfolding.
Q: You write often about the non-competitive principal in sports promoting healthier competitive events. How can one who is used to "beating" his opponent throughout many years of competitions achieve this feeling of higher winning other then just the satisfaction of being better then the opponent?
A: In my new book, "Body Mind Mastery: Creating Success in Sport and Life," I address the issues of competition and cooperation. On the basis of many solid studies as well as my own experience, I have come to believe that cooperation accomplishes more than competition. But rather than do away with competitive sports, I believe we need to examine and transcend the competitive state of mind (which even "non-competitive" artists, dancers, and musicians fall prey to). We can do this by viewing our "opponent" as our student and our teacher (intentional or not). In a tennis match, I may play my very best-not to "beat" someone or "make them fail," but to serve as their teacher, show them their weaknesses, even as they do the same for me.
Q: How do you cope with exhaustion in training when the body just doesn't feel like exercising but you have a competition coming up in a few weeks that you need to prepare for?
A: Tough question. A Zen master was once asked, "What is Zen?" He answered, "When I am hungry I eat, when I am thirsty I drink, when I am tired I sleep." In other words, a natural, ordinary, human approach to life. Yet in the pressures of competition (or, say, deadlines at work) we lose this natural sense. As a general rule, if one is exhausted one should rest; this is only natural. But at times of need, we can also test and temper ourselves, transcend our everyday capacities and reach deep inside to find inner strength. Doing this on occasion may not be best for the body, but it can be good for the spirit. If it becomes habitual or chronic, (as when doctors go through internship) we may a price as we go against our own body's wisdom.
Q: You seem like a very positive person, have you ever been seriously depressed? Did things look at some point in time really grey for you?
If yes, how did you "get yourself going again"?
A: Of course I feel depressed at times; any sensitive person ought to feel depressed at times by man's inhumanity to man. It is important for all of us to realize that writers, teachers, gurus - even "enlightenment masters" - can get depressed. We should not speak in the past tense (as in "did you used to feel such-and-such) as if someone's life is complete. We are all human, all dealing with much the same challenges. Life is a series of moments; sometimes I feel happy, and sometimes I feel sad. The important thing is to focus on constructive action despite whatever we are, or are not feeling. I do my best to live on the basis of three principles: (1) Accept your feelings; (2) Know your purpose (in this moment); and (3) Do what needs to be done.
Q: I think that every athlete, as withactors and other performers, have from time to time fears, be it stage fear or fear of failure etc. How do you deal with such fears?
A: As you say, fear, self-doubt, anxiety, and insecurity pass through us all in different situations. As I clarify in my book "Everyday Enlightenment" under the chapter titled "Face Your Fears," the only way to deal with fear is to accept the feeling (whether or not we happen to like it); then do what needs to be done. Fear is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. If the fear is objective-involves danger to the physical body, let fear guide you and prepare well, take precautions, etc. If the fear is subjective -fear of failure, embarrassment, shame, rejection-then cut through it and do what you fear.
Q: What advice can you give to people who just started to participate in competition or acting careers to deal with their fears?
A: Use the fear. The only difference between fear and excitement is whether you are breathing.
Q: Every person has from time to time "blue" days, especially sportsmen and women who have to exercise or perform on a regular schedule and have most of the time, especially in the morning some pain here or there. How do you make yourself get up and do those things? How did you develop your own discipline?
A: I cover this in detail in "Everyday Enlightenment" in the Second chapter: "Reclaim Your Will." I believe I've already given some clues in my responses to previous questions. Here I'll just add: Start small. If you find it difficult to begin a workout, then just put on your workout clothes. In other words, do a little. Tell yourself you'll just work out for three minutes. The "blue" days are the most important ones of all to reclaim our will and "just do it."
Q: Would you like to close with any final words or reminders?
A: I'll close by sharing with you a brief excerpt from the epilogue of my book, THE LAWS OF SPIRIT. The woman sage bids me farewell after an adventure together, with the following words:
"These are my wishes and prayers for you, all the days of your life. May you find grace as you surrender to life. May you find happiness, as you stop seeking it. May you come to trust these laws and inherit the wisdom of the Earth. May you reconnect with the heart of nature and feel the blessings of Spirit.
"The challenges of daily life will remain, and you will tend to forget what I have shown you," she said. "But a deeper part of you will remember, and when you do, life's problems will seem no more substantial than soap bubbles. The path will open before you where before there grew only weeds of confusion. Your future, and the future of all humanity, is a path into the Light, into a growing realization of the Unity with the Creator and all creation. And what lies beyond is beyond description.
"Even when the sky appears at its darkest, know that the sun shines upon you, that love surrounds you, and that the pure Light within you will guide your way home. So trust the process of your life unfolding, and know with certainty, through the peaks and valleys of your journey, that your soul rests safe and secure in the arms of Spirit."
© 2003 Dan Millman
Dan is a former world trampoline champion,
Stanford gymnastics coach, and Oberlin College professor. Dan has
written eleven books - two novels, seven non-fiction guides, and two
children's books. Each book provides a new and different facet of a
peaceful warrior's approach to living wisely and well. In a sense,
each book is another piece of the puzzle of personal and spiritual
growth. Way
of the Peaceful
Warrior,
Sacred
Journey of the Peaceful Warrior,
No
Ordinary Moments, Secret
of the Peaceful Warrior (for
children) and Quest for the Crystal Castle (for children),
The
Life You Were Born to Live,
The
Laws of Spirit, Everyday
Enlightenment, Body
Mind Mystery, Divine Interventions,
Living
on Purpose, Warrior
Athlete (out-of-print), The
Peaceful Warrior's Path to Everyday Enlightenment: 12 gateways
to your spiritual growth, and The
Journeys of Socrates due out this fall or early spring. His books
have inspired millions of readers in 22 languages. His talks and
seminars have influenced people from all walks of life and all ages,
including leaders in the fields of health, psychology, education,
business, politics, sports, entertainment, and the arts.
www.danmillman.com
I've sent my buck in. I hope you do
too
The latest in a long line of anti-woman decisions by the Bush administration is, for once, getting some attention, in part because of the sheer cheapness of the move.
President Bush has decided not to send the $34 million approved by both houses of Congress for the United Nations Fund for Population Activities (UNFPA). The fund provides contraception, family planning and safe births, and works against the spread of HIV and against female genital mutilation in the poorest countries of the world. Thirty-four million dollars goes a long way in the parts of the world where over 600,000 women die every year from pregnancy and childbirth, many of them children themselves.
Of course, our poor government is so broke it can't afford to waste $34 million on women in poor countries. It has more important things to do, like spending $100 million on "promoting marriage." (I'm in favor of recycling old Nike ads for this one: "Marriage. Just do it.")
Two women -- Jane Roberts, a retired teacher in California, and Lois Abraham, a lawyer in New Mexico -- have started a splendid symbolic protest, and it is spreading by email, fax, newsletters and all kinds of women's groups. The organizers are looking for "34 million Friends of UNFPA" to send $1 each to the United Nations (FPA) at 220 East 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10017.
Thoraya Ahmed Obaid, director of the UNFPA, said the $34 million U.S. contribution would have helped prevent 2 million unwanted pregnancies, 800,000 induced abortions, 4,700 maternal deaths, and 77,000 infant and child deaths. We don't have $34 million to save the lives of poor women, but President Bush wants to spend $135 million on abstinence education, which doesn't work worth a damn.
According to that fountain of misinformation, the Rev. Jerry Falwell: "This announcement angered school sex educators, who concentrate on teaching our nation's students that they should explore their sexuality and ignore the consequences. But Mr. Bush said government can teach children how to exhibit sexual control."
Actually, sex education is entirely about the consequences of "exploring sexuality," and it works. The Guttmacher Institute published a report last week showing that the abortion rate is down by 11 percent in this country precisely because young people are now getting more education about sex. One would think the anti-abortion forces would be grateful.
Instead, there is every indication that in addition to taking away a woman's right to choose whether to have an abortion, the Bush administration is going after contraception, as well. Bush's first action on his first day as president was to re institute the global "gag rule" that no foreign aid can go to any women's clinic abroad that that mentions the word abortion, even when the life of the mother is at stake. Now he wants to make W. David Hager chairman of the Food and Drug Administration's panel on women's health policy. Hager is an ob-gyn from Kentucky who wants the FDA to reverse its approval of RU-486, the so-called "abortion pill."
Although Hager is the editor of a book that includes the essay "Using the Birth Control Pill is Ethically Unacceptable," he told Maureen Dowd of The New York Times he does not agree with the essay. Then why include it? He does not prescribe contraceptives for single women, does not do abortions, will not prescribe RU-486 and will not insert IUDs. Hager also believes headaches, PMS and eating disorders can be cured by reading Scripture. I do not want this man in charge of my health policy.
It took almost all of human history for the population of the globe to reach 1 billion in people in 1800. It took only from 1987 to 1999 for world population to grow from 5 billion to 6 billion. At current rates, we will reach 13 billion by the middle of the 21st century. Ninety-five percent of this growth will be in Africa, Latin America and Asia.
Studies estimate that by 2025, two out of every three people on Earth will live in water-stressed conditions. The stress on global resources is already apparent. The National Wildlife Federation points to severe deforestation, habitat fragmentation, species extinction, water scarcity, climate change, loss of bio diversity and pollution. Eighty percent of the original forest is gone or degraded. The grim toll on the Earth's resources goes on and on.
While we spend trillions of dollars on weapons, the military and homeland security, the real threats -- water scarcity, climate change and population growth -- advance unchecked. Of course, you would know more about all this if the media weren't so busy wasting hours of time on rank speculation about the Maryland sniper. Crime doesn't pay, but it sells.
Bottom line: Please send $1 to UN FPA (Fund for Population
Activities), 220 E. 42nd St, New yYork, NY 10017. And here's a link
to the UNFPA web site: www.unfpa.org
Source: Molly Ivins
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